I'll Always Fight Feeling Small And Helpless

[Panda Bear]

One major issue that I struggle with is the feeling of being a small child. It's often times T and I are trying to pinpoint the age I feel and where it corresponds to my trauma at that age, including the feelings. He and I have spent countless hours on me recognizing that small feeling and how I get back to the present/here and now.

It's distressing.....feeling small all the time. I can fight it and recognize it, but it's a lot of work and feels like garbage! I feel stupid when I get caught up in those feelings and I find my self bridging between two worlds. The past and present. Life this week has dealt me some struggles in this area, feeling small and insignificant!

Today, I asked him if I'll always struggle with the feeling of being a scared little girl, and he told me yes. I'll always have to mindful of those feelings, it'll get easier and quicker to recognize and adjust accordingly....but it'll always be an issue. Yes.....

Why is this so sad? All the work I do/have done and. No matter how much progress I've made, I'll always struggle and have to be mindful of so many areas of my life. Forever!

 

[Friday]

:) Some of that is just life. PTSD, no PTSD, being an adult means choosing to be minding ourselves; not throwing tantrums no matter how much we may want to, being patient when what we really want in now-now-now, self awareness & self restraint & self control & many other things. It's not like neurotypical people don't have to be mindful. It's more that they already learned how. Once we learn how to do a thing? We still have to actually do it.

 

[Leighlee87]

This is really interesting and encouraging to hear. My therapist keeps asking me how old I feel whenever she notices me starting to curl up into myself, and I've always avoided responding to her question. Seeing your description of that process makes me more comfortable opening up. I don't have any words of wisdom on the process, but like everything else in this journey of ours, it seems to just take a lot of time and practice to go from feeling horrible and awful, to putting it behind us and feeling confident and whole.

 

[RumblePie]

Life is work, I agree. Sometimes I like to think that my body and its chemistry is the thing that is having a problem, and it's becoming evident by a symbol in my understanding and emotions. Like, I feel small and shrunken up, like i have no influence, can't reach out, can't 'be' very talented or hold much space in the universe. The feeling is from my body panic, and not really from my heart and soul. So I realize this is part of being me, part of the normal existence. and that's ok, and it's not everything. It's not owning me. I feel it. I want to do other things with my time than let it engage me again in that old struggle...