I'm Being Dragged Down With Him

[Lady of Longbourn]

My husband and I (sufferer) aren't getting along right now. My own mental health is doing great, or was. My therapist actually said this was the happiest he's ever seen me. But in the past few days my husband is becoming more like a burden that I can't help.

Realizing that in the past few weeks I have: Tried to give him some gentle urges into some therapy of his own for childhood issues, work stress and learning self-care but he wont go. I've tried reminding him that he needs to take care of his own mental health too and find other things then just work and TV but that falls flat. I try reminding him to check his blood sugar at the doctors as well...it must be 2 years since he checked it himself.

But he's an adult. If he doesn't want to take care of himself then I can't do anything about it.

But he is taking it out on me and that's not acceptable. He probably isn't very happy himself and is critical is the things I do with my own life, with the things that make me happy. Since my life isn't very complex and I like to keep it simple he really runs with it.

I'm being dragged down. I can feel my own mental health slipping trying to worry about someone who doesn't seem to want it to begin with.

 

[Nam]

But he's an adult. If he doesn't want to take care of himself then I can't do anything about it.

I am a helpful person by nature. It makes me feel good to help others. But, with my limited experience on this earth, I've learned that people don't help themselves unless they want to. Keep taking care of yourself. Keep communicating with him. But also tell him when you've had enough. Let him know when he's hit the limit with you. He may have to adjust to your independence. Is marriage counseling something he will do? If he's with you?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Is marriage counseling something he will do? If he's with you?

We have tried that in the past and I asked again recently. I got a "No." And then a second later "Maybe. Maybe."

He may have to adjust to your independence.

This might be scaring him, my independence.

 

[Nam]

"Maybe. Maybe." is a start.

I'm unsure how long you've been married. Marriage is complicated without all the mental health stuff put in. So much of the the mental struggles are kind of lonely. I knew that my hubs did not fully understand what was going on in my body and in my mind (nor do I ever wish that on anyone). Even still, he stood by me.

(Warning, really bad analogy ahead.) I think of marriage as two separate people going through life together. We try to stay within each other's space often. Step for step, take it together. Sometimes we fight, and the space grows between us, but we still travel through life side by side. You have to remember this...because if you drift apart into separate paths, it's really hard to get back to that point where you left off. So no matter how difficult it may seem to communicate with him, try to still walk together. Even angrily. But still together. We all change. But we also adapt. As long as you both tackle life together, you will adapt to those external and internal changes.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@Ayesha Question. When are you "PC moderator" i.e., your post had the PC mod warning below. Am I replying to a PC Mod, or Ayesha?

It must be very hard to switch gears from public to private. Adults can and sometimes can not take care of themselves, at various levels, and ways of thinking about help, seeking help, responding to help, responding to the response for help, or not seeking help. All a part of life. For me, I can not always heal me. I do know when to seek healing. Listening to ones self may not be obvious to another, especially a someone close to you. It is not personal to another, hard to be around certainly, but not to be taken personally.

Hug to you both, and room to breath and grieve all in one's own seasons and moments.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Changeling You are misunderstanding. "PC" is what we call an email here. The signature you are seeing is saying to please not email me about forum matters but to ask all staff questions in the help desk instead for the sake of my privacy.

I am a member first and a staff member second. You are replying to Ayesha.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@Ayesha. PC is personally contact. Do not PC moderators? Post from help desk mod forum can be personal. Ok

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Changeling There are exceptions to every rule but generally it's asked to please ask in the help desk. Lets please keep this thread of mine on topic please.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@Ayesha - on topic was my response. Just wanedt to know who I was sharing my guts with.

Best to you. Hell I did not intend this path, when love struck me, and then the rest of the story. Weather it out? More than bad weather? And yes, add PTSD to the usual head over heels mix is chaos. Could be something wonderful, that shared finding out of one's self, real self, and into the fire with another doing the same. Alchemy. Diamond in the rough for each of you.

 

[ms spock]

When people improve and get better their supporter often unconsciously sabotages this, because if you get better and manage your life, then he can't stop looking at his issues by looking and focusing at you. It can be tough to manage and negotiate.

 

[KwanYingirl]

What @Ms Spock said happened in my marriage. I got sober and started living life on life's terms. I was happier, healthier, less isolated and he could not handle that. He did everything he could think of to get me to drink. We were codependent and I squashed that. Since I was his caretaker, when I divorced him, he made the children take care of him. They are 30 and 32 and still they clean up after him. I see lately that they've had it, too with him.

I wish I could've felt like we were walking side by side. Quite simply, a recovering alcoholic and an active one don't mix. I guess my advice would be for you to continue to work towards feeling your best and hopefully he'd be inspired by you and want to explore his psyche.

 

[Nicolette]

May I be so bold as to interject.... just because a partner is not being as supportive as you would like now, and has their own issues in their past, doesn't necessarily mean that their 'dragging you down' is due to them not dealing with their past. I've walked this path for coming up to 9 years and you know what, when Anthony has been a handful for months on end and suddenly comes good, I can't just shake off the past few months, trust that he is going to be good for a sustained period and run along holding his hand being totally supportive and the perfect wife when his sh*t has been more than I could bare at times. For me, by the time he comes good I've already been on the back foot and stuffing my stuff down as there is no room for it if the marriage is to sustain these periods of his illness. I might be dragged down with my own stuff - but sometimes it is my stuff that I haven't been able to deal with while Anthony hasn't been the best as I've had to put his stuff first as his illness takes precedence to my issues....unfortunately :(.Then, when he's okay I get to focus on myself and then my things I've stuffed down come up. It's not a choice of sabotage - sometimes it's just the reality of being married to someone with PSTD.

Sometimes we over think things like, for example, right now I'm probably being a drag as I'm in pain after having an allergic reaction to food so my tolerance is low. Yes, I have a past and issues however it's not due to not dealing with them that I'm not being what Anthony would probably prefer right now....

Perhaps a partner is dealing with something and I get how that it can get you down but please don't forget the times that your partner was supportive when you were at a stage where your actions were likely to drag them down.

I'm really sorry but I feel this thread is heading down a slope where it's leave your supporter because they're having an off time while forgetting all the tough times you may have put them through in the past.

Yes it is true that some partners can't cope with their PTSD Sufferer overall improvement and prefers them to be ill but

in the past few days my husband is becoming more like a burden that I can't help.

is not a sustained period in which to make a judgement upon in my opinion.

But he is taking it out on me and that's not acceptable.

That's true.......I agree and tell supporters that all the time.....just remember to put the shoe on the other foot is all I'm saying.

Hope this makes sense.. .can't get the words out right.