I'm Being Dragged Down With Him

[ghotiff]

I love collecting things too. I've got to be careful not to hoard, but collecting things appeal to me :)

 

[RussH]

@Ayesha we are here for you, and let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I'm not trying to ignore people's comment's. Thank you everyone for commenting. I'm just having a hard time processing everything.

Another fight today and a few more that he tried to pick. It was the normal things. That I don't listen/only hear what I want to hear. Sometimes he yells things at me that I think he gets from other places (work/ his family in India). Seems to not understand that it's also about how the person you are yelling at will feel hurt by what you are saying regardless of what you claimed you meant after the fact. It's also about how you made the person feel. Or at least that's my impression...I know fights lead to a lot of hurt feelings and things said in the heat of the moment.

I can't handle the fighting and he tried to lock me in the car when I tried leave. This is something that my therapist actually wants to happen; to leave. Fights not going anymore, leave and then come back and talk when calm. Rarely do fights go anywhere.

I'm trying to remain calm, trying to see things clearly. I'm in a much better place then I was years ago. Much better understanding but it's eating away patience quickly. Stress cup is nothing compared to fighting so much, fighting daily, him complaining as soon as he comes home, that I can't understand where it's coming from to behind with with things being thrown at me that I don't understand.

In my world I'm doing well (with some current stress) and I'm growing and learning...To him I seem to be a terrible person who doesn't listen.

I'm just confused.

 

[ms spock]

I was thinking about you and your husband and I am wondering if that as you are quite mentally well at this time Ayesha, maybe the stress if just leeching out of him, his supporting you has meant he has kept a whole lot of stuff inside, and now it is coming out?

It is not fair that he is taking his stuff out on you, but maybe it is just his stress coming out?

Can you do a session with your therapist and your husband to say - when we are fighting, I will leave and come back and talk. when you and I are not so angry? Maybe he is scared that you will leave him?

 

[ghotiff]

To him I seem to be a terrible person who doesn't listen.

This comment, and the fights that don't go anywhere, and that he doesn't want you to leave lead me to the below thoughts.

Have you explored the possibility that it's "projection" from him. This means that he's not really arguing with you, but himself. If it's projection then it's him not listening to himself, but this thought is too uncomfortable so he then blames you for not listening.

If you read up on projection (commonly it's discussed in narcissistic books) then maybe these fights that don't go anywhere may become clearer to you as to what they are really about. Knowledge is power, and once you can see the truth behind them, the sting lessens because you know they are not about you.

I may be wrong, just thoughts. I hope you find some peace soon.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I know he is prone is making threats during arguments that terrify me. Some of them are more childish and others are not; where he wants to call the police on me during an argument. I think he has done this twice. One more recently. I wasn't even in the room when this happened, already walked away from the fight like my therapist had told me was the best thing to do. By evening my husband was trying his best to be loving and was talking about us buying a house together!! I saw my therapist in the morning and told him [my therapist] that I can't forgive my husband for something like that. It was terrifying. My therapist told me that the police wouldn't have taken me out of the house but what if my husband told the police I am mentally ill?

I believe we talked about it again. I think he claims to not remember doing that.

In almost 7 years of marriage I can honestly say my husband doesn't have good relationship maturity. I think he learned the threats from his father who I know would threaten his siblings and his mother.

 

[Nicolette]

I think he learned the threats from his father who I know would threaten his siblings and his mother.

So, you do have some power over this...... Anthony used to threaten to leave during arguments, a dance he and his Ex played very well. It would distress me terribly due to my abandonment issues. I tried to understand it but my feelings would override any logic and I would panic. Once I worked out a different response and talked to him about it at other times when there were no issues we finally resolved it to a point where he's conscious of undoing a learned behaviour, as am I, but trying to be respectful of where each other is coming from and not intentionally provoking each other in these situations.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

his stress coming out

Maybe. I know he is stressed. I'm trying to find someway to make it easier. But I can't see me being a huge source of stress. My life is very simple. I think a lot of the stress is an outside source.

Can you do a session with your therapist

Even my therapist mentioned this. We had these sessions before. He leaves the sessions very angry and will normally fight with me afterwards. He says we just talk about the same things over and over again in therapy. He may have the wrong impression of therapy. Sometimes you hear what you don't want to hear. We don't just talk about me, sometimes we talk about him and I don't think he was expecting that.

projection

I've thought of that too. I have a hard time following the arguments. I get them but something I don't understand where all the angry is coming from.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

So, you do have some power over this

You mean knowledge of where it might be coming from?

Saying he or I is/should walk home is one thing but saying he is going to call the police on me is another. I have no money of my own. And then turning around and acting like everything is just fine. That crossed a line. It broke trust. We should probably talk about that in therapy...

I understand Nicolette what you are saying and I wish it was that simple but this is about safety not just about abandonment issues. I did back off though, even before it started.

 

[Nicolette]

this is about safety not just about abandonment issues

I guess it's a matter of perspective @Ayesha as, to me, being abandoned is about my safety and Anthony calling the police wouldn't bother me... my point, we have our own triggers and I guess if you can disarm someone from using them against you by trying something different it is worth a try in my opinion.

 

[ms spock]

I actually thought along the same lines as you @ghotiff. But canvassing all options is important.

 

[ms spock]

could it be that he is threatened that you have hobbies?

He might be scared of them. That you don't want to spend as much time with him and thus you are not needing him or perhaps leaving him. Being scared can make people unreasonable. (Unfortunately I don't need to be scared to be unreasonable! LOL, Nah fear pretty much is it.)