I'm Chris. I live in FL. I'm 30. I really do not like to talk about my problems, but they have gotten to the point where I cannot deal with it anymore... The internet allows me to speak without being seen or having to look someone in the eyes so here goes....
My father was murdered in 1991. I witnessed his murder and abduction. We had went to a flea market in Alabama. He had to use the payphone, and he gave me some change to buy a soda from a vending machine. I went to the machine to get the soda which was about 40 feet from the payphone. A yellow car came speeding upto the phone booth, 2 men jumped out of the car. There was a struggle, one of them men hit my dad in the head with a hammer, then both grabbed him and threw him into the car and drove off. I ran after my dad and got to the phone booth. I remember his hat was there. His coffee mug, too. There was alot of blood and teeth..... :( I cried and screamed. Some people took me inside a convience store and the police was called. I remember the police were very nice. They gave me candy and I watched TV inside the store until someone in my family came. Early the next morning my mom had came up from Florida, and took me back home.
My dad was missing for 9 days. Then the car was found. It had been burned. A farmer found my dad in a swampy area. He had been tied to a log with other logs on top on him. He had been shot, and his tongue had been cut out. The FBI came to my house in Florida. I remember they had me look at a book of mug shots. I did recongnize the two men who killed my dad. Later in 1998 I testified in the trial against the two men who murdered my dad. One recieved 2 consecuitive life terms, they other plea out, and testified against the other and recieved 20 years.
After my dad was killed one of my brothers friends started to touch me. Quickly it went from touching to molesting me. He continued doing that from age 9 until age 16 when he and his family moved from the area. I do not like talking about this, so I will stop there.
In 1998 I attempted sucicide. I took OTC sleeping pills. My brother found me and called the police. I was Baker acted and diagnosed manic depressive. I never took my meds. Zoloft.
In 2000 I again attempted to kill myself, this time using a gun. I was stopped by the police. One tackled me. I was Baker acted. I was again diagnosed manic depressive. I was prescribed Depokote, again I did not take my meds.
I then started to get better. I met a good girl and went to college. I was doing well until my moms new husband died. I left school as a junior and came home to help my mom out.
I had great jobs. I managed a construction company with 22 employees. Later I was the warranty manager for one of the largest builder in America. I managed West Orlando. After the housing bubble popped I moved to Texas and was Controller of a mid sized manufacturing plant that build GFRC products. Glass Fiber Reinforced Cement. I lost that job after snapping at my boss. I then moved to Florida an was over night plant supervisor for a large citrus company. I lost that job again for problems with the upper management.
I have been jobless ever since. I started having nightmares. Vivid dreams. Panic attacks, crying for no reason, insomnia, and hearing things. I finally started to think of sucicide again and went to see a doctor. I met with a psychiatrist for 2 hours. I told him about 1/2 of the things that were going on. He diagnosed me as PTSD severe with psychosis, and bi-polar severe with mania. He put me on Seraquill and Lithium. My condition got worse. The nightmares came more often. I would have vivid dreams during the day. I became reclusive. I quit cleaning, I quit shaving. I lost my house.
One day my mother came to check on me. She saw what my life was like and what was going on. She took my to my doctor again, and I finally told him everything that happened. I told him about all the things that were happening to me. I told him about the voices. He then prescribed Lithium (lithobid), Xanax, depokote, Saphris, Seraquil, Trazodone. I told him about everything. I felt so ashamed. I started to trust my doctor. I liked seeing him. I saw him twice a month. Then he suggested I get apply for SSDI. He wrote me a letter and told me to call one of the attorneys. I did and found one that I was comfortable with. I did quilify for it. Since I was 18 I've made over 400k.
There was a time when I had a home, boat, harley, and 2 cars. Now.... different. I live in a single wide trailer. I've sold everything I own. Tools, cars, boat, bike... everything. I'm broke. I cant afford my medications...
About 5 months ago my doctor took another job about 3 hours away. He was commuting about 2 hours one way to work where I live. After he left I felt lost. I was given a new doctor. She is nice, but I do not trust her. Right now just typing this I'm having problems.... I do not feel like I can talk to her. She keeps me on the same meds, and the same diagnosis, but I do not feel like I'm getting better. I don't like seeing her, but cant afford to see a different doctor. I've missed an appointment with her and am now very close to being out of my medication. I cant see her until the end of the month. Florida law will not allow her to write me a script until I see her and I'm having alot of problems.
I'm even more stressed because after 2 years of waiting my SSDI hearing is finally coming up in December. I was rejected the first time, my appeal was rejected before they even had my medical records, the third step is to go infront of the judge, and I'm scared to death.
I'm about to be homeless again, I've exhausted all of my money. I've sold everything of value. The computer I'm using right now is from 2000. I sold my laptop about 3 months ago to pay my power bill.
I feel like such a loser. I can't make these feelings go away. The meds are not working. I need to get the SSDI... I don't care about the back pay. I just need money to pay for my meds, to keep my lights on. I'm tired of being like this. I want to be the old me. I do not want any of this.
I know you guys have a lot of problems of your own. Does anyone know of any meds that might help? Anyone with any experience with this SSDI stuff? Anyone just want to talk?
My father was murdered in 1991. I witnessed his murder and abduction. We had went to a flea market in Alabama. He had to use the payphone, and he gave me some change to buy a soda from a vending machine. I went to the machine to get the soda which was about 40 feet from the payphone. A yellow car came speeding upto the phone booth, 2 men jumped out of the car. There was a struggle, one of them men hit my dad in the head with a hammer, then both grabbed him and threw him into the car and drove off. I ran after my dad and got to the phone booth. I remember his hat was there. His coffee mug, too. There was alot of blood and teeth..... :( I cried and screamed. Some people took me inside a convience store and the police was called. I remember the police were very nice. They gave me candy and I watched TV inside the store until someone in my family came. Early the next morning my mom had came up from Florida, and took me back home.
My dad was missing for 9 days. Then the car was found. It had been burned. A farmer found my dad in a swampy area. He had been tied to a log with other logs on top on him. He had been shot, and his tongue had been cut out. The FBI came to my house in Florida. I remember they had me look at a book of mug shots. I did recongnize the two men who killed my dad. Later in 1998 I testified in the trial against the two men who murdered my dad. One recieved 2 consecuitive life terms, they other plea out, and testified against the other and recieved 20 years.
After my dad was killed one of my brothers friends started to touch me. Quickly it went from touching to molesting me. He continued doing that from age 9 until age 16 when he and his family moved from the area. I do not like talking about this, so I will stop there.
In 1998 I attempted sucicide. I took OTC sleeping pills. My brother found me and called the police. I was Baker acted and diagnosed manic depressive. I never took my meds. Zoloft.
In 2000 I again attempted to kill myself, this time using a gun. I was stopped by the police. One tackled me. I was Baker acted. I was again diagnosed manic depressive. I was prescribed Depokote, again I did not take my meds.
I then started to get better. I met a good girl and went to college. I was doing well until my moms new husband died. I left school as a junior and came home to help my mom out.
I had great jobs. I managed a construction company with 22 employees. Later I was the warranty manager for one of the largest builder in America. I managed West Orlando. After the housing bubble popped I moved to Texas and was Controller of a mid sized manufacturing plant that build GFRC products. Glass Fiber Reinforced Cement. I lost that job after snapping at my boss. I then moved to Florida an was over night plant supervisor for a large citrus company. I lost that job again for problems with the upper management.
I have been jobless ever since. I started having nightmares. Vivid dreams. Panic attacks, crying for no reason, insomnia, and hearing things. I finally started to think of sucicide again and went to see a doctor. I met with a psychiatrist for 2 hours. I told him about 1/2 of the things that were going on. He diagnosed me as PTSD severe with psychosis, and bi-polar severe with mania. He put me on Seraquill and Lithium. My condition got worse. The nightmares came more often. I would have vivid dreams during the day. I became reclusive. I quit cleaning, I quit shaving. I lost my house.
One day my mother came to check on me. She saw what my life was like and what was going on. She took my to my doctor again, and I finally told him everything that happened. I told him about all the things that were happening to me. I told him about the voices. He then prescribed Lithium (lithobid), Xanax, depokote, Saphris, Seraquil, Trazodone. I told him about everything. I felt so ashamed. I started to trust my doctor. I liked seeing him. I saw him twice a month. Then he suggested I get apply for SSDI. He wrote me a letter and told me to call one of the attorneys. I did and found one that I was comfortable with. I did quilify for it. Since I was 18 I've made over 400k.
There was a time when I had a home, boat, harley, and 2 cars. Now.... different. I live in a single wide trailer. I've sold everything I own. Tools, cars, boat, bike... everything. I'm broke. I cant afford my medications...
About 5 months ago my doctor took another job about 3 hours away. He was commuting about 2 hours one way to work where I live. After he left I felt lost. I was given a new doctor. She is nice, but I do not trust her. Right now just typing this I'm having problems.... I do not feel like I can talk to her. She keeps me on the same meds, and the same diagnosis, but I do not feel like I'm getting better. I don't like seeing her, but cant afford to see a different doctor. I've missed an appointment with her and am now very close to being out of my medication. I cant see her until the end of the month. Florida law will not allow her to write me a script until I see her and I'm having alot of problems.
I'm even more stressed because after 2 years of waiting my SSDI hearing is finally coming up in December. I was rejected the first time, my appeal was rejected before they even had my medical records, the third step is to go infront of the judge, and I'm scared to death.
I'm about to be homeless again, I've exhausted all of my money. I've sold everything of value. The computer I'm using right now is from 2000. I sold my laptop about 3 months ago to pay my power bill.
I feel like such a loser. I can't make these feelings go away. The meds are not working. I need to get the SSDI... I don't care about the back pay. I just need money to pay for my meds, to keep my lights on. I'm tired of being like this. I want to be the old me. I do not want any of this.
I know you guys have a lot of problems of your own. Does anyone know of any meds that might help? Anyone with any experience with this SSDI stuff? Anyone just want to talk?
