I'm Confused!

[Margo56]

I've been involved with a guy for 5 months and I'm new to understanding PTSD/Combat stress.Everything can be great, and he will phone me every day, then yesterday, he blocked me from Facebook and stopped calling! He isn't answering his phone, yet he appears to be ok with others. He has done this before, and he may not contact me again, I don't know. Sometimes he is very attentive and loving, the he can be distant and moody. I'm out of my depth, but I love him now, and I am prepared to support him if possible. i suggested that we could just be friends, but I'm blocked out. This post may not be necessary, as I'm not sure what is going on. Can I expect this? I'm so confused, upset and can't be;ieve he can switch me off like a light! What do I do? Is it over?

 

[Friday]

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[InvisibleSun]

Several years ago I was in a relationship with a man that had Combat PTSD and his behaviors were very similar to what you are describing. Very "come here, go away." He fluctuated between very loving and affectionate to very cold and distant, and was prone to periods of isolation. You need to understand exactly what your getting yourself into and be willing to accept that this could potentionally become very difficult for both of you. In my opinion, I think it might be best if you both went your seperate ways. I know you may love him, but he isn't in a place in his life and his recovery to support a relationship and give you the love and attention you deserve. I have non combat PTSD and I have put my love through hell over the last five years. It's almost ended our relationship several times and I know if I were not in treatment now, we would probably not be together in the long run. PTSD causes issues with love, trust, openess, safety, and happiness..all of which are major components of healthy relationships. PTSD can destroy relationships..only you can decide if it's worth the risk. Good luck!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Intimate relationships, even the best of the best, bring stress to a sufferer. Friends let us be us without the pressure. I can be freaking out and shutting out a romantic interest yet be perfectly fine around everyone else. It's confusing to those on the outside, but it is common amongst sufferers.

 

[Fadeaway]

This seems to be the most common scenario that supporters come her to get advice on. As a sufferer, I can tell you that we need time to decompress! Supporters see it as we as if we were shutting them out. We don't see it that way, we see it as the fact that we are over stressed, over stimulated and need to regain our mental equilibrium. Chances are, that even though he is trying to appear normal to everyone else, he isn't feeling that way. My guess is that he is putting up appearances so that people don't ask invasive questions.

 

[Margo56]

Hi, First of all, I would like to say thank you to the people who replied to my first question, and for welcoming me to the Forum. The replies/posts have helped me understand more about what to expect, and how better to handle a situation. I'm currently blocked, and being ignored from the guy's life, and I'm not sure he will come back to me. I don't know. Just to explain though, I would have been anything he wanted me to be, at any given time. I was happy to be a friend, and, although I developed a love for him, i could repress it,and just be his friend too. I never pushed him into anything, it all came from him. I had to go along with the things for fear of upsetting him. When he called me his ,,partner'', I was his partner, when he kept his distance romantically, I was also prepared to have no intimacy, and we never fell out. Maybe I got on his nerves, in some way, though I tried not to. In the past couple of days, I have phoned him and left a few messages of support on his answer machine. I'm not sure if he's listened to them or not, but today was my last request to him, I will leave it be now. I am suffering badly now myself, from it all, but there's a part of me doesn't want to give up on him. He called me every day, and we could chat for hours on the phone, he invited me to stay for a break, to his house. I have only met him a few times in 5 months, but it was special, and meant a lot. We have so much in common, we were a great team, but he has cut me off, just like that! Needless to say, he is not answering his phone to me.Is any of this familiar to anyone, and does anyone have an idea what happens next, please?

 

[Nico]

I would have been anything he wanted me to be, at any given time.

Hi @Margo56, that is a red flag to me that you say that. You are basically saying you would change who YOU are in order to be with this man. Be you and be real...don't change yourself in order to be someone you think a man may want. That's not being honest in a relationship. It appears to me that you are going through a lot with this man and it's only been 5 months. You're still getting to know each other and don't quite know each other fully. You need to ask yourself if this is something you can handle for the long haul. I don't think he is in a place where he can be a good partner at the moment. He cut you off of facebook...that's pretty mean. He's off telling the world one thing, yet not talking to you. My ex, who has combat ptsd, did the same. He would parade around on FB as if he was a hero and I was left ignored. FB is a safe place where he can put up any kind of front. He's not going to post his problems because he doesn't want people asking. My suggestion to you is to just back off. There's nothing you can do. Nobody knows what will happen next...there is no PTSD formula that fits the mold of everyone. The other thing, if your boyfriend isn't getting help, things are going to get worse...esp if he is self medicating with alcohol and/or drugs.

You also pointed out in your second post that you've only met him a few times in 5 months. I think you are much further invested in this than he is...PTSD or not. You really haven't gotten to be with him on a daily-long basis. He can call you every day, but he could only be sharing certain things with you. I think you should reevaluate this situation.

 

[Margo56]

Hi, thank you for your advice. There are a few red flags, and I now realise he isn't ready to be a partner, all his idea, not mine.He probably isn;t telling me everything, but it didn't really matter to me before. I just liked chatting to him. Doesn't look like he's my boyfriend now. I have no idea why he would cut me out his life so abruptly though. It 'is' pretty mean. He does take 36 tablets a day, and he has a Psychiatrist. He takes Cannabis to ease the pain etc and help him sleep. Looks like I'm out my depth with this one, but it has taken it's toll on me. I had to go and see a Counsellor to help me, and I increased my anti-depressants to cope with the sudden loss of someone I considered a friend. Maybe I was getting too close..You're right about him being one way to some people and different towards me. He says he told them I was his partner, but he probably didn't. I think he's hiding something. I've been taken for a fool. I thought he was a lovely person to, at first, and even laterly. It's very sad, and I'm devastated. I wasn't really sucking it up at the time, but I didn't think he would do this to me.You are right about me not changing, but if I disagree with him, he gets mad at me, so I would go along with it. I could go the long haul with him if it's the ptsd, etc, I think, but I don't have a choice at the moment. Have you any idea why he would do this to me, after phoning me every day for 5 months?

 

[Nico]

It's good you are seeing a counselor to help you through this. You need to stand your ground and be yourself, so if he gets angry at you for disagreeing on something, that's not a good sign. It's also not a good sign that that is happening so early in your relationship. I think he laid his cards on the table and you're not really looking close enough at the band hand he has right now. Him not speaking to you and shutting you out is a message. The message is that he doesn't want to be bothered. If you read around on here you will see that many partners were shut out...and some were married, etc. I was with my guy for over a year and we've known each other for 20. He full on went AWOL. He had never done that before to me...even when we weren't together as a couple...he was in touch. He knows he hurt me bad, so I highly doubt I will ever hear from him again. If he does, it will only be after he's gotten a lot of help and can't live with the guilt anymore.

I suggest you read more on relationships and PTSD. You will see that you are not alone and there are countless stories like yours and mine. You sound really young to me, so maybe you might want to look at dating someone that lives closer to where you do. LDR are incredibly hard and they only work if the separation is temporary. It's not the best way to START a relationship.

 

[Margo56]

Well, he has never got back to me in over a week, nearly 2. He hasn't answered any messages either, so I'm just trying to carry on with life now, and heal from the painful sadness I have been left with. Looks like I'm well and truly dumped, I've been used as well. I will never understand why he dropped me from a great height so abruptly,unless I missed the signs of the build up to it. Very cruel. He may have someone else, but I would only be guessing. I still like him, but looks like it's over, I'm not a young girl, I'm 56, so it's hard pill to swallow. I'm not vulnerable either, but I did break down my barriers for him, as time went by. He used to ask me for money too, so the red flags were flying, I just chose to ignore them, not because I.m a silly woman looking for love, but because I liked him, even as a friend. It's apparent that the feelings were not mutual, in the end. I have no idea how he could go from ok, to being a rat.Is this a symptom of Ptsd behaviours? I don't know where to separate one from the other.How much is personality, and how much is ptsd? That's what I can't get my head around. I guess I just move on. Thank you for replying to my questions though, it was very helpful, and I can take something from it for myself too.

This seems to be the most common scenario that supporters come her to get advice on. As a sufferer, I c...

This makes a lot of sense!! I see where this could apply in my situation!! I reckon I may have blown it on that front. My naiveity cost me a relationship/friendship!

Intimate relationships, even the best of the best, bring stress to a sufferer. Friends let us be us wit...

I have never put any pressure on the guy to move into a relationship, it all came from him. I never expected intimacy, or romance, and was happy to be just a friend. I thought it would be the best way to go, but he, himself pursued me, very strongly, in spite of my suggestions to take it easy. But, if I appeared to hold back, that was a problem too!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I have never put any pressure on the guy to move into a relationship, it all came from him. I never expected intimacy, or romance, and was happy to be just a friend.

Was there ANY inkling of there being more than just friendship between the two of you? (I'll take that as a yes given what you've already said.)

It doesn't matter that you've never pressured him. The feelings are there, so the pressure is there. I know this is hard to understand, but yes, the pressure IS there. Its pretty much an automatic thing once someone moves past friendship. (And I mean feeling wise, not in an official "we are together" sort of way.)