Childhood Confused on if my memories of abuse are real - How do I know if they’re real or not?

[Mama bear]

I have had these dream like memories of my older brother sexually abusing me for as long as I can remember. There are multiple memories of different times of being abused and different sexual acts. I am around 3-5 in these memories. They have came and gone all through out my life. I go through years of never thinking about it. Once when I was 16 I told my then boyfriend about it and he got me to ask my mom about it. When I did my mom said nothing had happened between me and my brother. I let it go but this confused me for the rest of my life because these memories are so real to me. I started to think it was something my brain made up.

Fast forward my daughter turned 3 in July and since then I started having flashbacks. Sometimes now it’s been so bad I’ve started to disassociate in the middle of conversations with my boyfriend and once while I was driving. I know my mental health is really struggling now and it’s affecting my family.

I’m asking how do I know if it’s real or not

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I try to verify things in such memories. One I was in a crib and I thought the memory was false because the sheet was blue and no one had blue sheets it the 50s. Then I realized the sheet wasn’t a sheet, it was the blanket thus the “memory” was consistent with that time period. I have another of me walking in on one of my mother’s suicide attempts. I knew the year and model of her car so I googled the exhaust system on the car and found my memory of the swimming pool vacuum hose running from the exhaust was consistent with the car design. I try to find details I can verify to see if the memory is more or less likely to be real. Writing this I am thinking this stuff is really awful for a child to experience.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's incredibly confusing when memories resurface and you'll find lots of similar threads with many of us trying to work this out.

Sometimes there is no external person to ask or another way to verify the memories as true or not. So the only way to figure it out is within yourself. Therapy can help a lot too, in exploring it all and helping you to work it out.
For me, there was a sense of 'knowing' about sexual abuse that I felt I had and that helped to solidify the memories for me. That my sense of 'knowing' developed. Also, I learnt that if something didn't feel real, I learnt that it meant it probably was real. And that helped to work things out too. Very confusing tjbstart with because if something doesn't feel real, how can it be? But I learnt that my mum would change reality at times so I was grown up with my feelings and reality being changed, and it then the feeling or things not feeling real when they are made sense.

It's a difficult process to go through.

For me, I don't see it as a coincidence that this is coming up as your daughter has turned 3, given this seems the age from when your memories start. That seems a very real connection and trigger.

 

[Sideways]

I’m asking how do I know if it’s real or not

It’s real enough in your mind, at the very least, that it causes very significant distress and is impacting your relationships.

If you don’t already, that is more than enough reason to get professional support. Life doesn’t need to include distress like this.

 

[Mary. OoH]

I have had these dream like memories of my older brother sexually abusing me for as long as I can remember. There are multiple memories of different times of being abused and different sexual acts. I am around 3-5 in these memories. They have came and gone all through out my life. I go through years of never thinking about it. Once when I was 16 I told my then boyfriend about it and he got me to ask my mom about it. When I did my mom said nothing had happened between me and my brother. I let it go but this confused me for the rest of my life because these memories are so real to me. I started to think it was something my brain made up.

Fast forward my daughter turned 3 in July and since then I started having flashbacks. Sometimes now it’s been so bad I’ve started to disassociate in the middle of conversations with my boyfriend and once while I was driving. I know my mental health is really struggling now and it’s affecting my family.

I’m asking how do I know if it’s real or not

Does it matter?

Is the sensation real? In your limbs and cells? Does the feeling confuse your thoughts, has media influenced/disrupted the question?

Aim internal response, no image will offer resolve, yet breathing /inhaling a sensation and thriving threw it? It that overly proactive , as many childhood baba's rather cry than breath... that's how you tell a victim from a cry baby. Actively active to correct a process vs winge upon a notion.

Welcome to the ocean.. Big pond.

Inhale, no memory is real. Ptsd drags you into time not back in time.

M.Oh

 

[Donda]

I have had these dream like memories of my older brother sexually abusing me for as long as I can remember. There are multiple memories of different times of being abused and different sexual acts. I am around 3-5 in these memories. They have came and gone all through out my life. I go through years of never thinking about it. Once when I was 16 I told my then boyfriend about it and he got me to ask my mom about it. When I did my mom said nothing had happened between me and my brother. I let it go but this confused me for the rest of my life because these memories are so real to me. I started to think it was something my brain made up.

Fast forward my daughter turned 3 in July and since then I started having flashbacks. Sometimes now it’s been so bad I’ve started to disassociate in the middle of conversations with my boyfriend and once while I was driving. I know my mental health is really struggling now and it’s affecting my family.

I’m asking how do I know if it’s real or not

Hi, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’ve been in a similar place, and I have this to offer:

You may never know.

This does not mean that it didn’t happen, but that the denial we lived with to survive, and the lies we told ourselves, are sometimes so strong that we will never be able to mend the cognitive dissonance on the side of what was real.

Rationally, I know I was abused. But I live with not-knowing because emotionally and mentally I cannot have it.

I’ve become content to not-know. Years back I would have died to know the truth. But now I don’t want to know. I don’t need to know. All the healing we need can be had without the certainty.

What matters is now. When you are around your brother, do you want to be there? Are you emotionally well being in relationship with him? There is no rule binding you there. You can take care of yourself now. If you need to you can leave. If you need to you can never see him again without any explanation.

I found it to be the very sign of abuse that I needed to see when I dissociated around this family member. This is all in the present.

I found courage to take care of myself and estranged myself when I realized that a sign of childhood abuse is to keep trying to be accepted someone who doesn’t accept you.

I found courage to trust myself ENOUGH when I realized that it’s a sign of abuse when you think you HAVE to marry a psychopath because you don’t have any hard evidence that he’s not a psychopath, even though you know he isn’t alright.

Didn’t know that I could say no.

We don’t need to “know” even though we know. I’ll never be able to prove anything in a court of law, but my heart knows, yet I still don’t “know.”

 

[Roland]

Can you ask your brother? If he denies it, it doesn't mean it didn't happen but if he confirms it, there's your answer.

It's very difficult to figure out. I assume my memories and flashbacks are at least based on true sexual abuse. It's not like I would fake or make up such a thing. But I also don't trust them as factual memories since I don't remember much facts. Those young ages 3-5 are so hard because there's very little you can work with (generally). But I do have some conscious memories as well.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible.

 

[Donda]

Can you ask your brother? If he denies it, it doesn't mean it didn't happen but if he confirms it, there's your answer.

It's very difficult to figure out. I assume my memories and flashbacks are at least based on true sexual abuse. It's not like I would fake or make up such a thing. But I also don't trust them as factual memories since I don't remember much facts. Those young ages 3-5 are so hard because there's very little you can work with (generally). But I do have some conscious memories as well.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible.

I asked my family member and they denied it. Said they would never do such a thing. Someone who sexually abused someone has too much to lose for them to be honest. You could only trust the answer if they said yes. If they say no your're in the same confusion, only more intense.

 

[Roland]

I asked my family member and they denied it. Said they would never do such a thing. Someone who sexually abused someone has too much to lose for them to be honest. You could only trust the answer if they said yes. If they say no your're in the same confusion, only more intense.

Definitely. But some do admit to it.

 

[beckyblue10]

I have had these dream like memories of my older brother sexually abusing me for as long as I can remember. There are multiple memories of different times of being abused and different sexual acts. I am around 3-5 in these memories. They have came and gone all through out my life. I go through years of never thinking about it. Once when I was 16 I told my then boyfriend about it and he got me to ask my mom about it. When I did my mom said nothing had happened between me and my brother. I let it go but this confused me for the rest of my life because these memories are so real to me. I started to think it was something my brain made up.

Fast forward my daughter turned 3 in July and since then I started having flashbacks. Sometimes now it’s been so bad I’ve started to disassociate in the middle of conversations with my boyfriend and once while I was driving. I know my mental health is really struggling now and it’s affecting my family.

I’m asking how do I know if it’s real or not

I really relate to this. I have very early childhood flashbacks and sensations about my dad although I have no proof of this. It's my reaction to him. My body telling me something. The fear is very real. But I can't see a real face. It's more the sensations in my body, and seeing my body and my bed.

I am no contact with him which makes it much easier as there was emotional abuse through my childhood so those memories are tangible. Do I want to know for sure? I don't think I do. But I do want my body to feel safe. Since doing therapy and talking of these memories and learning how to calm my body from PTSD, they seem to have been shut away again. But occasionally come back in dreams. Sending love, but know it's very horrible x

 

[thursday]

I;m working trough a period of abuse with my Therapist. I know this was from the age of 12 until 16. I have also vague memories of weird things happening at a much earlier age, but I can't put my finger on it. My memories are mixed up with each other. I said "I don't know which brother did what." The therapist said that this isn't important. A memory is not an exact video of how things really happened, it's a way you perceived things. You didn't make it up. Your brain has put certain overwhelming events far away to protect you.
The fact that you get flashbacks and had these memories coming up before, it sounds to me it would be good for you to explore these with a professional.

 

[katz]

I have had these dream like memories of my older brother sexually abusing me for as long as I can remember. There are multiple memories of different times of being abused and different sexual acts. I am around 3-5 in these memories. They have came and gone all through out my life. I go through years of never thinking about it. Once when I was 16 I told my then boyfriend about it and he got me to ask my mom about it. When I did my mom said nothing had happened between me and my brother. I let it go but this confused me for the rest of my life because these memories are so real to me. I started to think it was something my brain made up.

Fast forward my daughter turned 3 in July and since then I started having flashbacks. Sometimes now it’s been so bad I’ve started to disassociate in the middle of conversations with my boyfriend and once while I was driving. I know my mental health is really struggling now and it’s affecting my family.

I’m asking how do I know if it’s real or not

I try to write down things down. Sometimes I can't figure out what bothered me just then. But, later on I can look back and figure it out. Once I know what upset me it seems to reassure me that it was real (or that the feeling is real to me. Which is most important.)

It took me years and lots of memories to convince me that it really happened. I also was able to look at the different things that "bothered" me. As the years went on, everything started to make sense. This was a good way to allow myself to accept myself, and not to blame myself.

I now know why I hate the color yellow. I know why all the lights in my present house are round, not square. Even smells that I don't care for can help me understand. It is very relieving to know which choices of today are mine, and which are due to the past.

Everyone in the family denied me that it ever happened too. I know that this makes it harder to believe in your own feelings. Just remember that "you" know how you feel. Even without their confirmation, what matters is that you believe yourself and your feelings. If it bothers you, then it is real to you. Lots of journal writing and notes is what kept me going for years. I was much older when I finally felt a physical feeling to go with my thoughts. Then I was able to cry and mourn for the feelings and experiences of my past.

Take it slow. When you're ready, both emotionally and physically, then - and only then - you will remember enough to "know" for yourself.
Be strong and take care of yourself and be patient.

--one last thing that I learned - for me at least - was to trust myself that I will only remember enough for me to confirm the experiences. I learned that I don't need to remember all of it, just enough. And only enough for me to handle at the time.

-- sorry for the long preaching.