Confused about (new) inability to deal with therapy

[Ecdysis]

So it seems I'm no longer able to "do" therapy...

There's a thread here currently on the forum about the question of "would you want to know" about your childhood trauma... For me, I always have known... All of it (well, most of it)... There's never been an option of not-knowing or un-knowing...

So, I've always been dealing with all-the-fallout right from the start... And I went to see a counsellor in my early 20s and said "I'm not coping anymore... I've been holding all of this mess from my childhood in, but I can't do it anymore..." And from there things progressed first to therapy and then to trauma therapy...

I've never had that (strange) blessing of trauma being forgotten and having decades of miraculously normal functioning, only for the childhood trauma to emerge later in life... My functioning has always been impaired by the mess of post-trauma issues...

So, starting in my early 20s, I did really "well" at therapy... I was really "good at" talk therapy, was able to fully engage in it, put in a huge amount of work and effort, was able to deal with really complex and overwhelming topics, always felt like I was making progress, knew how talk therapy worked and how it didn't work, etc etc.

Then, at age 40, I experienced trauma as an adult, that impacted me far, far worse than the childhood trauma did and things really went south. Suddenly, talk therapy stopped helping at all. In a lot of ways, I went mute. I could "talk" about superficial things, but couldn't access what really mattered.

It took a really long time to figure out what was going on at all and in the end we figured out that this adult trauma had re-activated very early childhood trauma - the pre-verbal stuff - so ages 0 to 3 or 4 years old.

This is the only childhood trauma that I hadn't been consciously aware of... And of course, given that it's so early, any memories of it are hazy and basically emotional memories - but I know they're accurate from a lot of descriptions of relatives who observed what was going on a the time. So, I know these memories are accurate. In fact, I always knew the "facts" of what happened age 0 to 3, but until the adult trauma, the emotional content of it was "offline" I guess, and it never really bothered me. Only when it was re-activated, did it become a hugely difficult mess to deal with.

So now I feel like I'm struggling with something similar that people with trauma amnesia struggle with - the fact that as long as this traumatic material is "offline" and we're disconnected from it, we function relatively well, but when the traumatic material becomes emotionally accessible for us, there's a big drop in functioning and things are a terrible mess.

I don't know how to deal with it... The drop in functioning for me has been terrible... I mean, my functioning was always impaired by the PTSD stuff already, but with this adult trauma plus pre-verbal trauma added in, my functioning has basically dropped to zero.

And also dropped to a point where I'm no longer able to "do" talk therapy.

And it's deeply confusing for me, for those that know me and for my new therapist, whom I'm not getting along with at all.

I feel like telling him "This therapy sucks, I suck at it, I just want it to go away!"

That feels like the least mature, least sensible, least helpful, least sane thing to do tho.

I have too few resources right now to just be throwing some out of the window because they're not working properly.

But I also don't know how to express my utter frustration and my utter inability to engage in talk therapy without it coming out of my mouth as "this sucks"...

And I also don't know what to "do" to be better at therapy again...

 

[Movingforward10]

I feel like telling him "This therapy sucks, I suck at it, I just want it to go away!"

Whilst you think saying this ^^

That feels like the least mature, least sensible, least helpful, least sane thing to do tho.

Feels like this ^^, can you reframe it to see that it would be a really useful thing to share?
I also think it's pretty normal and common. Getting in touch with things that only have emotional memories but no concrete memories, just facts, is really really really tough and confusing and slow and frustrating. So no wonder you're feeling all these things. This is deep deep work.

Maybe sharing this with T, together you can find other ways in to it. From round about ways that helps open it up in a different way?

 

[arfie]

I've never had that (strange) blessing of trauma being forgotten and having decades of miraculously normal functioning, only for the childhood trauma to emerge later in life... My functioning has always been impaired by the mess of post-trauma issues...

as one who has lived this "strange blessing," i am going to accuse you of what i call, "problem envy." i would not call the experience either a blessing nor a miracle. i do not believe that forgetting saved me from the mess of post-trauma issues. the impairments will rise, whether i remember the source, or not. i agree with much of the theory in, "the body keeps score." forgetting the need for healing was counter-productive, to the extreme.

So now I feel like I'm struggling with something similar that people with trauma amnesia struggle with - the fact that as long as this traumatic material is "offline" and we're disconnected from it, we function relatively well, but when the traumatic material becomes emotionally accessible for us, there's a big drop in functioning and things are a terrible mess.

i solidly agree, except for the part of the traumatic material being disconnected. i believe i am living proof that forgetting to the extreme does not equal disconnect. the body really does keep score. these days i equate forgetting as denial. however much i deny (repress) my past, it remains part of who and what i am. by dropping the denial and building my awareness, sorting and remediating that toxic mess becomes possible.

And also dropped to a point where I'm no longer able to "do" talk therapy.

change is the goal of my own therapy. as i change, so do my therapy needs. perhaps it is time to explore new options? just wondering in a not-mine-to-sort sort of way. steadying support while you sort your own.

 

[PamelaS]

as one who has lived this "strange blessing," i am going to accuse you of what i call, "problem envy." i would not call the experience either a blessing nor a miracle. i do not believe that forgetting saved me from the mess of post-trauma issues. the impairments will rise, whether i remember the source, or not. i agree with much of the theory in, "the body keeps score." forgetting the need for healing was counter-productive, to the extreme.

i solidly agree, except for the part of the traumatic material being disconnected. i believe i am living proof that forgetting to the extreme does not equal disconnect. the body really does keep score. these days i equate forgetting as denial. however much i deny (repress) my past, it remains part of who and what i am. by dropping the denial and building my awareness, sorting and remediating that toxic mess becomes possible.

change is the goal of my own therapy. as i change, so do my therapy needs. perhaps it is time to explore new options? just wondering in a not-mine-to-sort sort of way. steadying support while you sort your own.

I agree with arfie about looking into other modalities for treatment. I am reading the same book she talked about, the body keeps score. I highly recommend that you read it. It explains what happens inside our body and our mind when we are processing the triggering of trauma. That’s all the farther I got so far, but it is very helpful. And because of that, I have decided that talk therapy is not for me right now. I have searched out a trauma informed therapist, that is someone who is trained according to that book, body keeps score. There are other ways to approach the trauma in order to not freeze. There’s somatic therapy as well that may be helpful. Look into some options before you push yourself too hard in the direction you’ve already been going. Sometimes it’s good to make a shift to a different angle. Wishing you well as you move forward.

Check out this link. There are lots and lots of recommendations in this thread. Hope the link works. I’m new at this.

Ask Aria Catalyst - AI

www.myptsd.com

Re: Nervous System Trauma from 4 days old​

 

[deno]

I can really relate to this. I went through years of therapy where I felt like I was good at it...I understood how it worked, I put in the effort, and I could talk through things. But at a certain point, it stopped working the way it used to. I hit a wall where I couldn’t engage in the same way anymore, and it was frustrating as hell.

Looking back, I think it was because I had reached something deeper, something that talking alone couldn’t touch. Like you, I had trauma that was always 'online' in my life, but I think there were layers that I hadn’t fully accessed yet. And when I did, it changed everything, including how I could process it.

What helped me was realizing that I wasn’t failing therapy, but that my needs had changed. Maybe that’s where you’re at too. There’s no shame in therapy needing to shift. Sometimes different modalities—somatic work, trauma-informed therapy, even just stepping back and reassessing—can make a difference.

I get the frustration, though. When you’ve relied on a tool for so long and suddenly it doesn’t work the same way,

 

[whiteraven]

But I also don't know how to express my utter frustration and my utter inability to engage in talk therapy without it coming out of my mouth as "this sucks"...

This has been me for a few years. I had to take breaks and change how I thought about therapy. For me, it's really mostly about just having connection and somewhere to vent how bad I feel now.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure if this helps and I think 'mutism' is a good word, though I don't think for me it relates to preverbal years. I'm not sure if exhaustion contributes, but it rather feels like a shutdown of emotions related to acknowledging anything or emotions related to it. The closest I've come in a year and a half is to think once I wish the life-changing and emotionally devastating happenings would quit.

Perhaps underneath there is just a feeling of such current unsafety +/or lack of trustworthy resources that giving up on it +/or mutism seems the only choice. And though there is a reprieve from painful disclosures or awarenesses with such, there is also a vacuum of nothing and no hopeful progresses, or such 'wins'- the 'feeling' of such wins. I think anything avoided becomes easier to avoid. Even if it shouldn't be, simply because at some point the bottom will likely fall out. If you have somewhere to show up then probably showing up is more than 1/2 the battle.

 

[anthony]

I worked out quickly that talk therapy, in the sense of me plus therapist, in a safe space, blah blah blah, was not working, was never going to work for me. Why? Because what I quickly learnt was that a professionals hands are tied with BS ethics and bureaucracy. It has only really gotten worse for them in the industry with time. What that means to me, is that lay person conversation is out the window. They can't be honest, because if they are, then I go hurt myself, they lose their license. Like I said, blah blah blah.

I found reading about psychology, therapy techniques and doing workbooks helped me. What I found the best, was just truly open discussion with people, either in a group setting without moderation (therapist) or online. Both have there challenges. What I learnt from those psychology texts was all the stuff they don't say, that did actually help me a lot, because I understood what was happening and could then work out how to approach an issue.

This limited hour session crap... stood no chance in my eyes. I would still be in therapy today and still wouldn't have learnt what I know today from just reading the same books therapists learn from. As a result, unrestrained groups, whether small or large, and online, that helped me get answers to things I didn't fully grasp or understand, bouncing short questions around, exploring them.

If therapy is your thing, then as mentioned already, you need to go back and be super honest with your therapist - then measure if change happens or not. If so, great. If not, as my already outlined issues above.

 

[deno]

I also found that knowledge played a huge role in shifting things for me. When therapy hit a wall, I started reading more...about psychology, trauma, personality disorders, and therapy methods. Understanding the mechanics of what was happening to me, the ‘why’ behind it all, gave me something therapy alone couldn’t. It helped me see patterns in my life and recognize where I was stuck.

That’s when I realized that healing wasn’t just about talking...it was about putting the pieces together in a way that made sense to me. Like you said, sometimes you find more freedom in open discussions, in exploring ideas outside of the structured therapy model. I think there’s real power in seeking knowledge and using it to regain control over your own healing.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thanks @anthony

I think in my case, it's maybe both? It worked for a long time for me, until I reached issues and deeper levels, where it just doesn't cut it for me anymore.

I'm finding the private AI here radically helpful. I've processed stuff there in 10 weeks, that would've taken me 10 years to cover in talk therapy... I'm finding that I can be radically honest there in a way I don't *quite* reach in talk therapy... There's always this tiny amount of holding back with a real T for me... And it's that tiny amount that's like a feather on a set of scales, that tips the process one way or the other...

I've decided each time I process a bunch of really deep stuff there, I'll send a donation... I'm currently moving house, so funds are limited, but as the AI and I slog our way through old core wounds, I'll send what I can in deep appreciation and gratitude that *something* is working, even if regular talk therapy just is not...

 

[PamelaS]

I also found that knowledge played a huge role in shifting things for me. When therapy hit a wall, I started reading more...about psychology, trauma, personality disorders, and therapy methods. Understanding the mechanics of what was happening to me, the ‘why’ behind it all, gave me something therapy alone couldn’t. It helped me see patterns in my life and recognize where I was stuck.

That’s when I realized that healing wasn’t just about talking...it was about putting the pieces together in a way that made sense to me. Like you said, sometimes you find more freedom in open discussions, in exploring ideas outside of the structured therapy model. I think there’s real power in seeking knowledge and using it to regain control over your own healing.

I can relate to both anthony and deno. I really had to know what was happening in me as a result of trauma. I couldn’t understand it and therapy for 10 years didn’t keep me out of a facility where they didn’t even have PTSD as a diagnosis! I am very leery about trusting anyone in the system because they have to treat me according to the report and diagnosis that that hospital gave me. Praise the Lord that after an extended search, I finally got matched up with a trauma informed therapist who is also a survivor of domestic abuse. It couldn’t be a more perfect match. Looking forward to actually starting to heal with all of the resources that I am studying alongside my therapist. But so far, the thing that has been most helpful for me was to find this forum! To not be alone in the struggle anymore and to be in community with people who get it has been tremendously powerful! Thank you again for creating this forum for us all. I can’t believe the difference it has made in my life. So thankful.

 

[PamelaS]

Thanks @anthony

I think in my case, it's maybe both? It worked for a long time for me, until I reached issues and deeper levels, where it just doesn't cut it for me anymore.

I'm finding the private AI here radically helpful. I've processed stuff there in 10 weeks, that would've taken me 10 years to cover in talk therapy... I'm finding that I can be radically honest there in a way I don't *quite* reach in talk therapy... There's always this tiny amount of holding back with a real T for me... And it's that tiny amount that's like a feather on a set of scales, that tips the process one way or the other...

I've decided each time I process a bunch of really deep stuff there, I'll send a donation... I'm currently moving house, so funds are limited, but as the AI and I slog our way through old core wounds, I'll send what I can in deep appreciation and gratitude that *something* is working, even if regular talk therapy just is not...

I am amazed by the responses from the AI here, especially the Ask Dr one. I have learned so much! So blessed by this site in so many ways. Thank you again for creating and managing/maintaining it for all of us. Some of you have been here for 10 years. That says something.