• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Loneliness due to inability to connect with people

Adobe

MyPTSD Pro
I am in despair. I am intelligent, have a good sense of humor,attractive (all developed for acceptability). I am as authentic as I can be in all areas except my past which I hide. That is not something I want to talk about. I live with this disorder,as I know others know. I have been in many group situations over the years. However, I cannot connect like others seem to connect with one another. Everyone seems to like me,so no issues there.However, I go home and I feel empty and drained..not energized. I have a loving husband and we have a good marriage but he does not know how I feel inside. I am secure and as connected as I can be but still lonely at times. We are exceptional friends at this stage in our marriage. This has been a life long issue from the time I was very little. At age 8 I tried to commit suicide by drinking rubbing alcohol with my milk. But it tasted terrible so I stopped. Why would a child be that desperate to die?But nobody noticed. It was one of three suicide attempts that were not thought out but impulsively done. I am not there now and those were when I was much younger. I think all centered around rejection. Will I ever be free from being able to connect?It has affected my relationships. I call me,”the go away girl” . I just find legitimate excuses to leave to deal with the pain. It has been years since I have been here. Time to isolate again but this time stay there.Therapy has been a disaster. I will not go that route again. No one where I live is taking new patients at a PhD or MD level. That is what this needs but no ability to do that.
 
I am in despair. I am intelligent, have a good sense of humor,attractive (all developed for acceptability). I am as authentic as I can be in all areas except my past which I hide. That is not something I want to talk about. I live with this disorder,as I know others know. I have been in many group situations over the years. However, I cannot connect like others seem to connect with one another. Everyone seems to like me,so no issues there.However, I go home and I feel empty and drained..not energized. I have a loving husband and we have a good marriage but he does not know how I feel inside. I am secure and as connected as I can be but still lonely at times. We are exceptional friends at this stage in our marriage. This has been a life long issue from the time I was very little. At age 8 I tried to commit suicide by drinking rubbing alcohol with my milk. But it tasted terrible so I stopped. Why would a child be that desperate to die?But nobody noticed. It was one of three suicide attempts that were not thought out but impulsively done. I am not there now and those were when I was much younger. I think all centered around rejection. Will I ever be free from being able to connect?It has affected my relationships. I call me,”the go away girl” . I just find legitimate excuses to leave to deal with the pain. It has been years since I have been here. Time to isolate again but this time stay there.Therapy has been a disaster. I will not go that route again. No one where I live is taking new patients at a PhD or MD level. That is what this needs but no ability to do that.
Ignore this. It is wallowing in self pity. I have lost 3 days of sleep and I am dysregulated. I have lost 22 lbs in one month. That also causes problems. Today is a new day to get back on track.
 
I don’t disregard
I too tried suicide as a small child.
Life was tough. Life is still tough but it is worth living. I am sorry you are in despair. I don’t know your story, but please know that many of us here, on this forum have unhealthy pasts. But we get by. We can be stronger. We can be happy. I have been a member of this forum for a long time now. I don’t “need” it in the same passionate way that I felt at the beginning. But it is still my crutch.
I hope that you are able to share more and get the help you so obviously need and deserve.
Back on track…
 
I don’t disregard
I too tried suicide as a small child.
Life was tough. Life is still tough but it is worth living. I am sorry you are in despair. I don’t know your story, but please know that many of us here, on this forum have unhealthy pasts. But we get by. We can be stronger. We can be happy. I have been a member of this forum for a long time now. I don’t “need” it in the same passionate way that I felt at the beginning. But it is still my crutch.
I hope that you are able to share more and get the help you so obviously need and deserve.
Back on track…
Thank you. It helps that you have experienced this and shared. Not that I would want anyone to be a small child and be that desperate.
 
Life can feel heavy. Attempted suicide at 15 and now I’m over 30. Promises I’d never try again. We got this. One day at a time and sometimes that can feel heavy. Take it an hour at a time. Those who hurt us continue living and we deserve to escape their chains. I wish you well.
 
Life can feel heavy. Attempted suicide at 15 and now I’m over 30. Promises I’d never try again. We got this. One day at a time and sometimes that can feel heavy. Take it an hour at a time. Those who hurt us continue living and we deserve to escape their chains. I wish you well.
I am slowly learning not to define myself by these things as well as the Cptsd. When I do I become embroiled in the past. In order to go forward I don’t deny these things but am seeing they can be a bondage that holds me to what was. I was stuck for awhile.I now am attempting to look forward and bringing tools into my thinking so I can move on.
Thank you for sharing. We need to really reach outside ourselves….
 
Out of nowhere comes the thought of wanting to be done with life. This has happened once when my second child was one week old and I had post partum depression. I have no warning just kind of an anxiety attack. I found my husband making out with another gal when I had to run to the store. They were in the parking lot. The doctor put me in a terminal cancer ward. All of the women talked at me about my life and what I had to look forward to. The second time I was 37 and newly divorced. I had the kids. My husband was a high functioning alcoholic. He lived life but never dealt with it. He traveled 4 to 5 days a week until he bought his own business but would stay out to drink all night. I was alone with two teens and trying to work and be mom and have some type of a social life. Of all things the doctor I was dating was an alcoholic and in despair no warning I just tried to end it. The thoughts still come out of no where and it is usually when the pain of the past rears its ugly head. It is almost like a cloud descending on me. I recently had the same feelings but I have learned ways to deal with it. I recently got long Covid which worked on my brain and one night I thought long and hard. No one in my world would ever suspect. Does anyone else have recurrent thoughts. It is like a deep pain and follows rumination. Like I said I was 8 yrs old when my first attempt happened. My emotional abuser stepfather was an alcoholic. I repeated the habit of this many times in dating men and some were most unlikely types. Guess there is no type. The thoughts come still when I have anxiety attacks. I just do not feel safe with people. My husband has no idea and would be horrified. He is extremely stable.
 
No one in my world would ever suspect. Does anyone else have recurrent thoughts. It is like a deep pain and follows rumination

My husband has no idea and would be horrified.
A common symptom of CPTSD is keeping secrets and believing that your concerns are too difficult/complex/repulsive/meaningless/dramatic for anyone to warrant concern or care for. This is projection from your childhood experiences and a way of protecting child you from further emotional or physical pain. But it’s not helpful for adults who are no longer in those conditions.
these days i view that as the secrecy code which allowed my birth family dysfunctions to escalate to criminal activity. i have also come to believe that i am only as sick as my secrets.
Had to bring @arfie in here because what she said here is so meaningful and wise. Whatever secrets you are keeping from your friends and husband are hurting you so badly that you want to disappear. That’s not living—and you know it or your wise self wouldn’t be reaching out for help. You deserve a chance to live life without those thoughts and feelings controlling you, to be connected with those you love without this wall between you.
 
I just don’t trust anyone as I can envision being further abused or rejected. It is true what you said. I have a lot of secrets. Nothing for 42 years. It happened so long ago. I can’t make the transition to the life I was given 43 years ago. I keep living back before that. I guess I have to do a lot of homework. Therapists are hard to come by here. It would take a miracle to find someone I could be open with. I have had a difficult time with the two I have tried over the years. I could have counseled the last one. Dx wrong. No symptoms of bipolar 2. She dx me in one hour. No hypomania. Just depression. I will have to consider…said this before but always back out. The saddest part of all this in reality I have presently and have had a good life. Secrets.. oh yes.thank you. I manage the symptoms pretty well but the suicidal ideation is a force for sure.
 
I have had an amazing evening. I came across a talk on self rejection. Aha.. not rejection. We all have rejection and some times to validate self loathing we set up circumstances to perpetuate that rejection. Our communication, our perfectionism, our isolating. All these years I could only think about rejection at some level but not SELF REJECTION. What does self rejection lead to…of course despair, depression, Suicidality. Wanting to destroy the self because deep inside my childhood brain I started believing the lie that they told me from the beginning of my life. I set up relationships and circumstances to validate this. I still do. I avoid social situations, I have developed a persona too good to be true. Very concerned with being well read etc etc. I do believe I have the key here for the thoughts of suicide that has plagued me. It is the ultimate Self rejection. I honestly have had my eyes open to my self destructive behavior. I always put the enemy out there. I have a lot of work to do on the ways this has manifested itself in my life. There are about 10 signs of ways I have compensated for the self rejection right down to the perfection of the way I look before going out! Maybe this does not seem new to anyone but me. But I see a life time of self defeating behavior toppling! With time and awareness.
 
BTW I have projected my self rejection onto other people. Whether they felt anything toward me or not. Usually not. Thus, it has kept me fearful almost paranoid about socializing at times. Then when I would leave a situation I would beat myself up going over what I said or what I should have said on and on. More self rejecting….merry go round.
 
OK this is weird. Does anyone believe in deliverance?! I went to a gathering for years where my reaction was social anxiety. I was relaxed wanted to attend and was totally without anxiety yesterday. I was greeted and loved on and people just were warm. Not once did I have a trigger, a sense for being unsafe. I was confident and felt for the first time I was at home in my body and in my mind. Ever since the revelation of self rejection and self hatred to the point of suicidal ideation I believe a light went on and something left me. For years I have projected on to others what I felt about myself. It was deeply pathological.I wish I had the words to make this clear. It was like an evil spirit left me that wanted to see me dead. I wake up each morning with a quiet sense of well being. I truly love me. I can honestly say I am enough. The torment for years and years, the consequences of poor decisions, the hatred from my mother and father, the divorce and alcohol abuse…physical abuse , ..there is no shame. This is who I am the whole damn mess of my life. I used to want to go back and do better. Soren Kierkegaard said trials come into your life not to show you how weak you are but how strong you are. I pray this is not delusion… more time will tell. A light switch went on and a key was given. A diagnosis that started before I could talk. I am taking a class this fall. It will be a test.I know this is a strange post.. but God.
 
Back
Top