Loneliness due to inability to connect with people

[Hulda]

I am in despair. I am intelligent, have a good sense of humor,attractive (all developed for acceptability). I am as authentic as I can be in all areas except my past which I hide. That is not something I want to talk about. I live with this disorder,as I know others know. I have been in many group situations over the years. However, I cannot connect like others seem to connect with one another. Everyone seems to like me,so no issues there.However, I go home and I feel empty and drained..not energized. I have a loving husband and we have a good marriage but he does not know how I feel inside. I am secure and as connected as I can be but still lonely at times. We are exceptional friends at this stage in our marriage. This has been a life long issue from the time I was very little. At age 8 I tried to commit suicide by drinking rubbing alcohol with my milk. But it tasted terrible so I stopped. Why would a child be that desperate to die?But nobody noticed. It was one of three suicide attempts that were not thought out but impulsively done. I am not there now and those were when I was much younger. I think all centered around rejection. Will I ever be free from being able to connect?It has affected my relationships. I call me,”the go away girl” . I just find legitimate excuses to leave to deal with the pain. It has been years since I have been here. Time to isolate again but this time stay there.Therapy has been a disaster. I will not go that route again. No one where I live is taking new patients at a PhD or MD level. That is what this needs but no ability to do that.

 

[Hulda]

I am in despair. I am intelligent, have a good sense of humor,attractive (all developed for acceptability). I am as authentic as I can be in all areas except my past which I hide. That is not something I want to talk about. I live with this disorder,as I know others know. I have been in many group situations over the years. However, I cannot connect like others seem to connect with one another. Everyone seems to like me,so no issues there.However, I go home and I feel empty and drained..not energized. I have a loving husband and we have a good marriage but he does not know how I feel inside. I am secure and as connected as I can be but still lonely at times. We are exceptional friends at this stage in our marriage. This has been a life long issue from the time I was very little. At age 8 I tried to commit suicide by drinking rubbing alcohol with my milk. But it tasted terrible so I stopped. Why would a child be that desperate to die?But nobody noticed. It was one of three suicide attempts that were not thought out but impulsively done. I am not there now and those were when I was much younger. I think all centered around rejection. Will I ever be free from being able to connect?It has affected my relationships. I call me,”the go away girl” . I just find legitimate excuses to leave to deal with the pain. It has been years since I have been here. Time to isolate again but this time stay there.Therapy has been a disaster. I will not go that route again. No one where I live is taking new patients at a PhD or MD level. That is what this needs but no ability to do that.

Ignore this. It is wallowing in self pity. I have lost 3 days of sleep and I am dysregulated. I have lost 22 lbs in one month. That also causes problems. Today is a new day to get back on track.

 

[Lucycat]

I don’t disregard
I too tried suicide as a small child.
Life was tough. Life is still tough but it is worth living. I am sorry you are in despair. I don’t know your story, but please know that many of us here, on this forum have unhealthy pasts. But we get by. We can be stronger. We can be happy. I have been a member of this forum for a long time now. I don’t “need” it in the same passionate way that I felt at the beginning. But it is still my crutch.
I hope that you are able to share more and get the help you so obviously need and deserve.
Back on track…

 

[Hulda]

I don’t disregard
I too tried suicide as a small child.
Life was tough. Life is still tough but it is worth living. I am sorry you are in despair. I don’t know your story, but please know that many of us here, on this forum have unhealthy pasts. But we get by. We can be stronger. We can be happy. I have been a member of this forum for a long time now. I don’t “need” it in the same passionate way that I felt at the beginning. But it is still my crutch.
I hope that you are able to share more and get the help you so obviously need and deserve.
Back on track…

Thank you. It helps that you have experienced this and shared. Not that I would want anyone to be a small child and be that desperate.

 

[Hummingbirdcagefree]

Life can feel heavy. Attempted suicide at 15 and now I’m over 30. Promises I’d never try again. We got this. One day at a time and sometimes that can feel heavy. Take it an hour at a time. Those who hurt us continue living and we deserve to escape their chains. I wish you well.

 

[Hulda]

Life can feel heavy. Attempted suicide at 15 and now I’m over 30. Promises I’d never try again. We got this. One day at a time and sometimes that can feel heavy. Take it an hour at a time. Those who hurt us continue living and we deserve to escape their chains. I wish you well.

I am slowly learning not to define myself by these things as well as the Cptsd. When I do I become embroiled in the past. In order to go forward I don’t deny these things but am seeing they can be a bondage that holds me to what was. I was stuck for awhile.I now am attempting to look forward and bringing tools into my thinking so I can move on.
Thank you for sharing. We need to really reach outside ourselves….