Loneliness due to inability to connect with people

[Low]

I am in despair. I am intelligent, have a good sense of humor,attractive (all developed for acceptability). I am as authentic as I can be in all areas except my past which I hide. That is not something I want to talk about. I live with this disorder,as I know others know. I have been in many group situations over the years. However, I cannot connect like others seem to connect with one another. Everyone seems to like me,so no issues there.However, I go home and I feel empty and drained..not energized. I have a loving husband and we have a good marriage but he does not know how I feel inside. I am secure and as connected as I can be but still lonely at times. We are exceptional friends at this stage in our marriage. This has been a life long issue from the time I was very little. At age 8 I tried to commit suicide by drinking rubbing alcohol with my milk. But it tasted terrible so I stopped. Why would a child be that desperate to die?But nobody noticed. It was one of three suicide attempts that were not thought out but impulsively done. I am not there now and those were when I was much younger. I think all centered around rejection. Will I ever be free from being able to connect?It has affected my relationships. I call me,”the go away girl” . I just find legitimate excuses to leave to deal with the pain. It has been years since I have been here. Time to isolate again but this time stay there.Therapy has been a disaster. I will not go that route again. No one where I live is taking new patients at a PhD or MD level. That is what this needs but no ability to do that.

Hi, I found reading The Body Keeps the Score helped me understand for the first time how my childhood trama caused an injury to my brain, preventing it from developing normally. For the first time I understand why I cant feel, what makes me do things, why talk therapy can be re-traumatizing and what we can and need to do to recover and lead happy lives.
All the best to you Sister

 

[Adobe]

Hi, I found reading The Body Keeps the Score helped me understand for the first time how my childhood trama caused an injury to my brain, preventing it from developing normally. For the first time I understand why I cant feel, what makes me do things, why talk therapy can be re-traumatizing and what we can and need to do to recover and lead happy lives.
All the best to you Sister

It has been since May since I wrote that. I just realized I did the “good bye girl” routine again with a legitimate reason as driving distance. I just left a loving pastor and church and the inbuilt response to group dynamics no one would have guessed in a million years. I have isolated and we are enjoying teaching on line and I am so much more centered deciding when and where I interact with people. Group settings re introduce past trauma. I have read “The Body Keeps the Score”. I agree with its premise entirely. However, having the understanding and integrating responses into action when triggered represents a whole other dimension to living with CPTSD. I think guarding my heart and mind has brought me peace. I have a few friends that have the greatest respect for each others value. They are all pretty healthy and centered in their core and give me a sense of stability and trust as due to the longevity . It is the group situations that make me dive into my pathology. Thank you for your kind response. This is a lifelong journey. I used to have all the answers in my head but living them out experientially has left me a little more humble and the reason I am not on the forum much other than to say,” way to go.” “ I am sorry for the pain,” and most of all I get to pray . There are skills we can grow in but this is a life long journey. I have stumbled over that fact more than once but now do accept that one truth.