I am in despair. I am intelligent, have a good sense of humor,attractive (all developed for acceptability). I am as authentic as I can be in all areas except my past which I hide. That is not something I want to talk about. I live with this disorder,as I know others know. I have been in many group situations over the years. However, I cannot connect like others seem to connect with one another. Everyone seems to like me,so no issues there.However, I go home and I feel empty and drained..not energized. I have a loving husband and we have a good marriage but he does not know how I feel inside. I am secure and as connected as I can be but still lonely at times. We are exceptional friends at this stage in our marriage. This has been a life long issue from the time I was very little. At age 8 I tried to commit suicide by drinking rubbing alcohol with my milk. But it tasted terrible so I stopped. Why would a child be that desperate to die?But nobody noticed. It was one of three suicide attempts that were not thought out but impulsively done. I am not there now and those were when I was much younger. I think all centered around rejection. Will I ever be free from being able to connect?It has affected my relationships. I call me,”the go away girl” . I just find legitimate excuses to leave to deal with the pain. It has been years since I have been here. Time to isolate again but this time stay there.Therapy has been a disaster. I will not go that route again. No one where I live is taking new patients at a PhD or MD level. That is what this needs but no ability to do that.
Hi, I found reading The Body Keeps the Score helped me understand for the first time how my childhood trama caused an injury to my brain, preventing it from developing normally. For the first time I understand why I cant feel, what makes me do things, why talk therapy can be re-traumatizing and what we can and need to do to recover and lead happy lives.
All the best to you Sister