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Confused about tasks that make me feel worse/ more depressed

Ecdysis

MyPTSD Pro
So, I did a couple of household tasks today and - as usual - they made me feel worse - not better - by doing them.

It's been like that as long as I can remember... I guess ever since I started looking after my own household at 18?

Pretty much any/ all household tasks are like that, most paperwork tasks/ bills etc are too.

The "normal" logic is that if you do a task, then you'll feel better for having accomplished it.

My depression seems to work in the *opposite* way.

For example, if I don't do the vacuuming, then I'll notice as I'm walking through a room that dust and pet fur and what not is piling up "around the edges".

But my PTSD brain is soooo good at dissociating things away, ignoring them, using selective focus to hyperfocus on something else/ something more important, etc.

So as long as I don't have to somehow actively "deal" with the dust, my brain is literally capable of ignoring it pretty much 100%. It's like I literally don't see it. Like selective blindness, or something.

So then, if for some reason I do decide to vacuum - maybe a visitor is coming over, or like yesterday, one of the cats knocked a plate off the counter and after picking up the big shards, I had to vacuum to get rid of any small, sharp shards... or any reason that means I actually *deal* with the dust by vacuuming it... That makes me feel so much WORSE.

Cos now my selective blindness is turned "off" and my hyperfocus is on the dust and all I can see is dust everywhere and it makes me depressed how much of it there is and how quickly it "magically" returns as soons as you've just finished vacuuming and that reminds me of allllllllll the other household tasks that I equally try to ignore...

So while my mood may have been at say a 5 on a scale of 0 to 10, as I'm doing the vacuuming, it will sink to 4 and then to 3 and then to 2 and then to 1 and when I get to zero, I'm feeling suicidal.

Because of vacuuming and noticing the dust.

Which seems ridiculous.

Except that that's the pattern I've been stuck in for the past 30 years.

I know it has to do with childhood trauma at least in part. It was definitely use as a "punishment" when things got abusive - being forced to do housework, Cinderella style... Sigh... So there's that trigger.

And I know that I learned to "ignore" and "not see" mess and dirt when my parents were at their most dysfunctional. So I got plenty of practise in that.

It still confuses me tho and I'm clueless as to how to turn it around.

I literally get ZERO satisfaction out of having completed a task like that (I do get satisfaction out of completing other tasks, for example at work, or building something, etc, so my brain's not completely broken in this regard...) But in terms of housework and similar tasks, yeah, zero satisfaction and just that plummeting of mood to the depths of depression and bleakness and wanting to be dead.

ETA: I just remembered that I once read an article about the difference between "tradional men's work" and "tradtional women's work" once. The point being that back in ye olde days men used to have jobs like "building houses" or "building bridges" or "building cars" and it'd be something tangible that was achieved, with a result that everyone could look at and be like "Ooh ahh...!" And women would do stuff like housework - doing the laundry, doing the dishes, doing the cleaning, cooking meals and it's all stuff where pretty much as soon as it's done, you have to do it all over again... It's like Sisyphus and his rock... Or Groundhog Day... You're doing work all day long, just to keep things at the status quo, and the next day you can do it all over again.... I think that's part of what fuels my depression spikes during these tasks... The feeling of senselessness and pointlessness because I'll never get it all done and no matter how much I do, it'll never be good enough anyway... Which of course is a vicious circle, cos that has me avoiding these tasks, which means they pile up and it feels even more "endless"... But I also don't feel like doing "all" the housework for hours and hours everyweek just so things aren't "awful" would be any less depressing...
 
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for me, this phenom crosses the gender line. i keep donkeys (my avi pict is my ass's eye) and i have heard tell that you don't tell a donkey how-to. you tell them why-to. i relate to that on a soul deep level. when i am confused on WHY i am doing a particular thing, even something i love to do, i find myself wanting to plant my feet and stubbornly refuse to budge. not even a corn cob bribe can get me to budge.

nudging myself past the stubborn reluctance works sometimes, but the heart goes where it goes. what's a genius to do?
 
i'm still not too sure how to explain why in ass-ese. my donkeys do pretty much what they want, when they want.

but, the corn cob bribe is certainly worth a try. donkeys will perform amazing feats for a chewed up corn cob and/or corn husks. corn silk is their preview of heaven.
 
Sounds like it gets overwhelming?

Is there a way of compartmentalizing it in another way? Maybe by room? Or area?

I also wonder if it's something to do with feeling deserving or worthy?
 
Hmm... I guess it gets overwhelming... But I honestly wouldn't know how to reduce it any further. Like, even a 5 minute task will have me spiralling into doom... Doing it in 30 second chunks seems... confusing? messy? complicated?

I'm still pondering @arfie 's "Why?" question... I think in my childhood, housework was always a "punishment" or something you were forced to do because "what would the neighbours think". It was never, ever about having a nice space or making it more comfortable. And in my brain, "nice" and "comfortable" have turned into "avoiding as many PTSD triggers as possible" when I'm at home in my space. So now "nice" and "comfortable" is all about avoidance and tidying and cleaning is all about PTSD-triggers...?
 
It was never, ever about having a nice space or making it more comfortable.
"reframing" has been one of my more effective psychotherapy tools. have you revealed a potentially effective reframing for your own case?

i was raised in a 13 person+ cesspool and craved cleanliness more than i craved food. my first taste of that craving was boot camp. i still tend to keep house like a drill sergeant. i tied up with a partner who kept house like a "real man" and two sons who followed in his foot steps. my own reframing down this conundrum has gone down the line, "how important is it?"
 
It's been like that as long as I can remember... I guess ever since I started looking after my own household at 18?
YOU… need a maid.

IE, goal it, now. Not “must be nice” sneer… but an actual goal. They cost less than a daily coffee out, so they’re not something reserved for people whose cars cost more than most people’s houses. Personally? I had no idea how CHEAP maids are; $60 once a week? Or twice a month? For ALL the deep cleaning??? When I have a $5o budget per MONTH for food, yah, that’s nuts. But that’s also the cost of a coffee a day. So when I’m not abjectly poor? I don’t personally hire a maid, I hire an accountant. Because they pay. for. themselves. in. late. fees. avoided. And my life? INFINITELY easier. Same goes for maids. COD gifts from god. Someone to BLAZE through what would gut me and take ages and still not be half as good. Nope.

I felt bad about hiring an accountant, and odd? About so many of my friends hiring maids? Until, I spent 30 seconds thinking about how I pay out THOUSANDS to mechanics, and other trades… when? I. Can. Learn. That. Shit. And DO that shit. But “no one” thinks twice about taking their car to a mechanic. Or hiring an electrician. Or buying a coffee/meal out. Or hiring a tutor. Or, or, or. As its skills/time/energy/inclination they wish to spend elsewhere.

Some people? Adore cleaning. Or paying bills. Or hate the process, but feel so good after. Others of us? SHRED ourselves over it. And feel wrecked, after. If it guts you? Hire it done. If you cannot afford to hire it done? GOAL it, to be able to.
 
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