Ecdysis
MyPTSD Pro
So, I did a couple of household tasks today and - as usual - they made me feel worse - not better - by doing them.
It's been like that as long as I can remember... I guess ever since I started looking after my own household at 18?
Pretty much any/ all household tasks are like that, most paperwork tasks/ bills etc are too.
The "normal" logic is that if you do a task, then you'll feel better for having accomplished it.
My depression seems to work in the *opposite* way.
For example, if I don't do the vacuuming, then I'll notice as I'm walking through a room that dust and pet fur and what not is piling up "around the edges".
But my PTSD brain is soooo good at dissociating things away, ignoring them, using selective focus to hyperfocus on something else/ something more important, etc.
So as long as I don't have to somehow actively "deal" with the dust, my brain is literally capable of ignoring it pretty much 100%. It's like I literally don't see it. Like selective blindness, or something.
So then, if for some reason I do decide to vacuum - maybe a visitor is coming over, or like yesterday, one of the cats knocked a plate off the counter and after picking up the big shards, I had to vacuum to get rid of any small, sharp shards... or any reason that means I actually *deal* with the dust by vacuuming it... That makes me feel so much WORSE.
Cos now my selective blindness is turned "off" and my hyperfocus is on the dust and all I can see is dust everywhere and it makes me depressed how much of it there is and how quickly it "magically" returns as soons as you've just finished vacuuming and that reminds me of allllllllll the other household tasks that I equally try to ignore...
So while my mood may have been at say a 5 on a scale of 0 to 10, as I'm doing the vacuuming, it will sink to 4 and then to 3 and then to 2 and then to 1 and when I get to zero, I'm feeling suicidal.
Because of vacuuming and noticing the dust.
Which seems ridiculous.
Except that that's the pattern I've been stuck in for the past 30 years.
I know it has to do with childhood trauma at least in part. It was definitely use as a "punishment" when things got abusive - being forced to do housework, Cinderella style... Sigh... So there's that trigger.
And I know that I learned to "ignore" and "not see" mess and dirt when my parents were at their most dysfunctional. So I got plenty of practise in that.
It still confuses me tho and I'm clueless as to how to turn it around.
I literally get ZERO satisfaction out of having completed a task like that (I do get satisfaction out of completing other tasks, for example at work, or building something, etc, so my brain's not completely broken in this regard...) But in terms of housework and similar tasks, yeah, zero satisfaction and just that plummeting of mood to the depths of depression and bleakness and wanting to be dead.
ETA: I just remembered that I once read an article about the difference between "tradional men's work" and "tradtional women's work" once. The point being that back in ye olde days men used to have jobs like "building houses" or "building bridges" or "building cars" and it'd be something tangible that was achieved, with a result that everyone could look at and be like "Ooh ahh...!" And women would do stuff like housework - doing the laundry, doing the dishes, doing the cleaning, cooking meals and it's all stuff where pretty much as soon as it's done, you have to do it all over again... It's like Sisyphus and his rock... Or Groundhog Day... You're doing work all day long, just to keep things at the status quo, and the next day you can do it all over again.... I think that's part of what fuels my depression spikes during these tasks... The feeling of senselessness and pointlessness because I'll never get it all done and no matter how much I do, it'll never be good enough anyway... Which of course is a vicious circle, cos that has me avoiding these tasks, which means they pile up and it feels even more "endless"... But I also don't feel like doing "all" the housework for hours and hours everyweek just so things aren't "awful" would be any less depressing...
It's been like that as long as I can remember... I guess ever since I started looking after my own household at 18?
Pretty much any/ all household tasks are like that, most paperwork tasks/ bills etc are too.
The "normal" logic is that if you do a task, then you'll feel better for having accomplished it.
My depression seems to work in the *opposite* way.
For example, if I don't do the vacuuming, then I'll notice as I'm walking through a room that dust and pet fur and what not is piling up "around the edges".
But my PTSD brain is soooo good at dissociating things away, ignoring them, using selective focus to hyperfocus on something else/ something more important, etc.
So as long as I don't have to somehow actively "deal" with the dust, my brain is literally capable of ignoring it pretty much 100%. It's like I literally don't see it. Like selective blindness, or something.
So then, if for some reason I do decide to vacuum - maybe a visitor is coming over, or like yesterday, one of the cats knocked a plate off the counter and after picking up the big shards, I had to vacuum to get rid of any small, sharp shards... or any reason that means I actually *deal* with the dust by vacuuming it... That makes me feel so much WORSE.
Cos now my selective blindness is turned "off" and my hyperfocus is on the dust and all I can see is dust everywhere and it makes me depressed how much of it there is and how quickly it "magically" returns as soons as you've just finished vacuuming and that reminds me of allllllllll the other household tasks that I equally try to ignore...
So while my mood may have been at say a 5 on a scale of 0 to 10, as I'm doing the vacuuming, it will sink to 4 and then to 3 and then to 2 and then to 1 and when I get to zero, I'm feeling suicidal.
Because of vacuuming and noticing the dust.
Which seems ridiculous.
Except that that's the pattern I've been stuck in for the past 30 years.
I know it has to do with childhood trauma at least in part. It was definitely use as a "punishment" when things got abusive - being forced to do housework, Cinderella style... Sigh... So there's that trigger.
And I know that I learned to "ignore" and "not see" mess and dirt when my parents were at their most dysfunctional. So I got plenty of practise in that.
It still confuses me tho and I'm clueless as to how to turn it around.
I literally get ZERO satisfaction out of having completed a task like that (I do get satisfaction out of completing other tasks, for example at work, or building something, etc, so my brain's not completely broken in this regard...) But in terms of housework and similar tasks, yeah, zero satisfaction and just that plummeting of mood to the depths of depression and bleakness and wanting to be dead.
ETA: I just remembered that I once read an article about the difference between "tradional men's work" and "tradtional women's work" once. The point being that back in ye olde days men used to have jobs like "building houses" or "building bridges" or "building cars" and it'd be something tangible that was achieved, with a result that everyone could look at and be like "Ooh ahh...!" And women would do stuff like housework - doing the laundry, doing the dishes, doing the cleaning, cooking meals and it's all stuff where pretty much as soon as it's done, you have to do it all over again... It's like Sisyphus and his rock... Or Groundhog Day... You're doing work all day long, just to keep things at the status quo, and the next day you can do it all over again.... I think that's part of what fuels my depression spikes during these tasks... The feeling of senselessness and pointlessness because I'll never get it all done and no matter how much I do, it'll never be good enough anyway... Which of course is a vicious circle, cos that has me avoiding these tasks, which means they pile up and it feels even more "endless"... But I also don't feel like doing "all" the housework for hours and hours everyweek just so things aren't "awful" would be any less depressing...
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