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Undiagnosed I'm Incredibly Confused...

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wtfhappened

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I'm new to this site. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD and, besides my anxiety, I've always felt like there's something else psychologically wrong with me but I've had different theories about which other disorder I might have. I have a therapist but I don't feel comfortable talking with her about many things. I don't think I could ever be fully comfortable talking about my deeper issues in-person with anyone. I joined this site and started this thread to see if anyone else has insight into what's wrong with me and how I can move forward.

I'm 23. I do not have any memories of being physically or sexually abused as a child. However, when authority figures besides my mom raise their voice at me, even if it's a mild scolding, I struggle to control my bladder. I do manage to control it for the most part, but when I was a kid and maybe in my early teens (I have a hard time remembering exactly when things occurred) I lost control of my bladder a few times when my dad yelled at me. I live in constant fear that this will happen again and now that I'm older, there would be no way to get over the embarrassment. I've never been suicidal even though I've been depressed but I think I would at least contemplate killing myself if that ever happened.

I hate being around my dad. When my parents lived together and I lived with them (all of my life until college, when I left and they began divorce proceedings) I would almost never leave my room when I was at home, which was pretty much all the time when not at school or whatever extracurricular my mom forced me to participate in. I hated both of my parents in high school and would sometimes wish I would get a call about them being killed in a car accident. Sometimes I felt guilty for thinking that. When I try to remember all the reasons I was so angry at them, the following stick out: They thought they knew what was best for me but I knew that was impossible because they didn't really know me because I was very secretive (because I didn't trust them at all-why would anyone trust the people they most rely on with their darkest secrets? If they judge you, they have the most power to use what they've learned against you), My dad would be mostly permissive and then explode with anger at random things that I didn't know were wrong the first time I did them (like resting papers on a keyboard which apparently can damage the keyboard), My mom took pride in her parenting ability because she was a strict parent and she'd say things like "I'm your parent, not your friend" and I hated her because I felt like she didn't know me or what I needed and she'd tell me to do things and all that mattered to her was that I was obedient and that she appeared like a good mother to other people-she didn't judge her parenting based on how healthy or happy her children were (I could go on with this one but it would take too long), I was very depressed and actually somewhat homicidal in highschool (fantasized about school shootings, being a serial killer, and killing my parents), and while I kept the latter very secretive, the former should have been obvious and they did absolutely nothing to help, My father was horrible to my mom and would belittle her constantly, My mom would get mad at me because my dad favored me over her and my brother, at least in her eyes, My mom thought she was treated much worse by my dad than my brother or I were, which, even if that's true, ignores the fact that, unlike my brother and I, she had the ability to separate from my dad and try to gain custody of us, whereas my brother and I were trapped, My mom waited until I left for college to divorce my dad

Now that my parents are divorced, I live with my mom and choose not to stay at my dad's at all. My brother switches houses on a weekly basis. My relationship with my mom is still strained but better. We have very different values and I think she bases her idea of truth on her emotions instead of trying to empathize with others feelings or use logic (for example, even if she knows she did something wrong if someone calls her out on it she gets upset with them because them calling her out on it made her feel bad, even though it was justified), but if we avoid certain subjects and I'm careful to only tell her certain parts of my life goals we can get along. My relationship with my dad is better, in that it's healthier for me, but we also have less of a relationship. I get dinner with him and see him at family gatherings sometimes but we are very emotionally closed off from each other and struggle to have any type of real conversation about anything. Our conversations are mostly small talk with a lot of awkward pauses.

I hate being touched or having any type of closeness (physical or emotional) with men who are much older than me. When my uncles hug me at family gatherings I act like I'm fine with it but in my head in those moments I'm absolutely repulsed and even somewhat angry. I cannot imagine what a healthy relationship with my dad would look like besides no relationship because the idea of talking about anything meaningful with him makes me feel grossed out, like I would feel violated just from being emotionally open with him. I don't remember ever being molested as a child by anyone but my feelings about older men and intimacy make me wonder if I was and just don't remember.

I'm terrified for children. Whenever I hear a child crying, whether it's at the mall or the beach or whatever, I immediately have a very hard time not focusing on it and I worry that they're being abused. In some ways, I think this fear is a good thing because it's made it so I've decided to devote my life to becoming a lobbyist on behalf of children's human rights. On the other hand, I'm in constant anguish. I think corporal punishment of children, such as spanking, is basically normalized assault and when it involves taking their clothes off it's basically a physical violation on par with rape, and so many people defend it so passionately and even more people just see it as normal and not a problem. I also think that forcing children to practice certain religions even when they say they don't believe in that religion is abusive. That, and more extreme and legally recognized forms of abuse are so hard to detect that I feel like I'm surrounded by this horrifying world of violence against children and oppression of children that I can't really fix because I can't really see into their homes and there's no way to monitor and other people just don't see it or don't care or even endorse it. I feel like children are treated like property more than people and it horrifies me. If you don't feel the same way but you want to understand what this feels like to me, just imagine the sense of anger and sadness and hopelessness you probably felt when you first learned about the holocaust, but try to imagine what that would feel like if the holocaust was still happening and no one cared. I know child abuse is different from the holocaust but my point is that to me it feels like grave injustice that is being widely permitted. I don't think the fact that I believe the way children are treated is unjust is a sign of PTSD but the degree to which I feel it makes me wonder why I feel so differently about it than everyone else, and maybe the degree of feeling and paranoia is a sign of some kind of traumatic event I don't remember.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. I'll hint at different parts and talk about being opposed to corporal punishment and passionate about fighting child abuse, for example, without mentioning how I feel when I hear a kid crying at the mall. I feel like I can't just say the whole truth to anyone, even my therapist. The world horrifies me, and I don't think it's wrong for me to feel that way and want to change it but I am concerned that I'm not strong enough to change it and part of that may be because I haven't addressed trauma that I've experienced because I don't even know I've experienced it.

I feel like that probably wasn't very coherent. I normally am good at communicating, but I'm so worked up writing this that I can't think straight.

Please don't turn this into a debate about corporal punishment of children. I just want to know: Do you think I could have these symptoms just from having a father that randomly explodes with anger, even though he never did so with physical violence? If not, do you think I have repressed memories? If so, how do I get those memories back?
 
The one thing that would help you, is opening up to your T.
We wish it didn't have to work that way. That we could keep our secrets and still get healthy.
You can always write down on paper why you are afraid to open up, and just hand it to your T. They can't help us if they don't know what's going on.
So maybe instead of trying to figure this out on your own,which you are very entitled to do,it would go much faster with your T, while being taught to navigate life.
Am sending you energy to face your fears with your T, so that you will find answers and solutions.
Glad you are here. We are hearing you.
 
Welcome to the forum!

corporal punishment of children, such as spanking, is basically normalized assault
I like that.

At the bare minimum the emotional abuse you described can cause PTSD. One of the most damaging experiences in my childhood was emotional abuse. When someone says things like "I'm your parent, not your friend" it can be appropriate. But when statements like that are made with a lot of emotional weight that has nothing to do with parenting, then things can get pretty difficult for the child.

Like @ladee said, you at some point will need to rely on your therapist. Having a lack of trust of authority figures makes that hard. It has for me. I told my therapist I don't trust her and told her why. She has put a lot of work into being trustworthy.
 
As others have said, no one here can diagnose you or tell you what may or may not have happened in your childhood. PTSD is a complex condition and the process of diagnosis isn't always straightforward. For example an incident might be sufficiently traumatic to cause ptsd but that doesn't mean the person involved will go on to develop ptsd, about 80% of people who experience a qualifying trauma don't develop ptsd, it's far from an automatic thing.

You're clearly showing signs of anxiety and are in treatment, I'd be inclined to suggest you do all you can to engage in that process. If there's anything else there it'll come to light soon enough, your T is the best person to support you through whatever you're going through. Try not to look for "signs" of ptsd, because some of the symptoms are common across a range of diagnosis and it's easy to think yourself into having a condition that you don't have - and then end up frustrated that people won't treat you for something you think you have but which doesn't fit.

It does sound like you're looking for answers, I wonder if copying what you've written here and giving it to your T might be a way in to getting the help you need?
 
Thank you everyone for the replies I've gotten so far! I like the idea of printing out a copy of what I've said here to bring to my therapist, instead of trying to think of the best way to word things when I'm there.

Would those here who have been diagnosed say that the diagnosis helped you?

Also, is it normal to wonder if your therapist actually likes you and have some doubts or is that a sign that I should change therapists? I can't tell if there's any truth to my doubts or if it's all in my head.
 
@wtfhappened The diagnosis helps to the extent that you can put a name to the illness just as if you were seeking a diagnosis for a physical issue. With mental illnesses, sometimes we can have multiple diagnosis and sometimes the symptoms overlap with other diagnosis. What is important is the therapy.

Yes, it is normal to wonder if your therapist actually likes you but if he/she is a professional it doesn't matter. By that, I mean, he/she doesn't need to like you as a friend but does need to develop a trusting and professional relationship to be able to help you.

You need to have faith and trust in a therapist in order to feel free to opening yourself up to that person. If you don't feel it's right, that is not a bad thing, it just means it's not a good match from your perspective. You change therapists till you find one you are comfortable with and you feel you can trust. When that happens, the healing begins.
 
I'm new to this site. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD and, besides my anxiety, I've always felt...
I always felt something happened to me, something bad. No memories until about six years after on/off therapy. I trusted this therapist very much. Had heaps of others before her though. But I trusted her the most. So six years later I get the most vivid life changing flashbacks. I end up with ptsd at age 35. I have a breakdown, lose everything. But now I'm free of having to pretend to be part of my family who all walked away from me anyway. I realise now I was part of a very toxic family and now I'm free to go forward and create my own family, a genuine loving family where no one has to pretend. I relate to what your saying when you don't feel comfortable with anyone touching you esp at family gatherings getting hugged by uncles etc. over the course of my years of therapy I learnt how to say no and I don't let anyone touch me if I don't want them near me. In my opinion, it will come to you if it's there. I had the same questions as you. It was something I couldn't avoid when I reflect back. Maybe try a few other therapists if you have the feeling within you that you just have to know. Find someone you connect with. You can't force it anyway, it will happen when it happens if it happens. If you pursuit is to know the truth it will come. Hard work and hard times but worth it. Good luck.
 
I'm new to this site. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD and, besides my anxiety, I've always felt...
One thing I can relate to from your story: when i hear a child being verbally abused or neglected when crying, I get extremely upset. I had my first flashbacks (I had been previously never diagnosed or in treatment) after the birth of my first child because he was colicky and cried many hours of the day. No matter what i tried to do, I could not get him to stop crying for certain periods of the day or night. This caused ME severe anxiety bc I felt like he was suffering severely. Others around me would not think it was a big deal ("babies cry"). His crying drove me into severe flashbacks and I ended up in the psych ward dissassociating. Years later, I pieced together that my mother believes in letting babies "cry it out", (she told me this herself and i saw her do it with my sisters baby). I have since had severe abandonment flashbacks, and although I cannot verify it, I believe i must have been left for long amounts of time to "cry i out". My earliest memories that i do have involve me wanting my mom to rock me and hold me and her refusing and telling me she is "too busy." I dont know if any of this can help you piece together your story, but I printed it in case it might help......
 
I've always felt like there's something else psychologically wrong with me but I've had different theories about which other disorder I might have. I have a therapist but I don't feel comfortable talking with her about many things. I don't think I could ever be fully comfortable talking about my deeper issues in-person with anyone. I joined this site and started this thread to see if anyone else has insight into what's wrong with me and how I can move forward.
I'm glad you like the suggestion of printing your OP and giving it to your therapist. Self-diagnosis is almost impossible; we can't see ourselves completely clearly. Your therapist may not be qualified to diagnose, either (it depends on their credentials and, in the US, the state licensing laws) - but they can certainly help you tease out a great deal of what might be going on with you. If they cannot diagnose you, they can help connect you with someone who can.

Also, is it normal to wonder if your therapist actually likes you and have some doubts or is that a sign that I should change therapists? I can't tell if there's any truth to my doubts or if it's all in my head.
It's pretty normal. I think everyone goes through a 'does my therapist like working with me/are they just doing this for the paycheck?' phase or two...or ten...

Something to remember: being a therapist is a profession. It's an odd profession. It's their job to be open to every client that they take on, and to engage with them without imposing any of their own emotions. So, the question isn't so much "does my therapist like me?", as "does my therapist find working with me to be rewarding and productive?". That's actually a fair question to ask.

Another fair question - and one that I don't think gets asked often enough - is, "if you believed you could no longer help me, would you tell me so and help me find someone else to work with"? If you'd like it to be less personal, as whether they have referred anyone out, and under what circumstances.

Empowering yourself in your client/therapist relationship is just a part of gaining a comfort level with them - but it can be a very useful part.
 
My diagnosis helped me a lot.I had been struggling in and out of different therapies for many years.
PTSD wasn't a thing until the early 90's at least where I lived at the time.
There was only T I thought didn't really care. He kept falling asleep during session.
I can laugh about it now..it crushed me. My main trigger is 'not being heard'.
I not only wasn't heard..I put the poor man to sleep. Found out later he had Narcolepsy. But still!
I liked all my docs and they liked me. Trust? I dodnt trust anyone. But knew I had work to do that I could not do alone.
My primary T doc Has me do am MMPI during assessment.(do they even do those anymore??)
She found out with the results of the rest that trust was a huge issue.
So, hoping you get thru this with your T and you can get more healing done.
Gentle hugs if you accept.
 
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