Childhood I'm Just A Shell Of A Man

[Teddy Bear]

I...as some of you may know I was abused as a child; sexually and domestically. It pains me to write this but I really at my wit's end. I didn't think I'd ever say that, but I feel empty inside...dead. Let me go back in time...

It's December of 2016 and my wife and I are part of a college group through our church. There is a winter retreat coming up in February and we both want to go. Well, it costs $200. The problem lies in the fact that I am not comfortable around guys at all. I don't like them, don't trust them, and couldn't bring myself to sleep with a group of guys. You see the rooms will be divided by gender and so the guys would sleep with the guys and the girls would sleep with the girls. Well, I told her that I can't sleep with guys and it has been this month long struggle of figuring out what to do.

Fast forward to last week, I text the group leader and he tells me that we can get a separate room. Yet, my wife doesn't seem to want that. Last night she tore into me. She brought up all that is going on and how I am making her miserable because I don't have a grip on my past. She expects me to apologize for not wanting to sleep with guys like it's my fault that I'm screwed up in the head. I told her to drop it and to stop throughout the conversation but she insisted that we have this conversation because it is making her miserable. I cried the whole way from work to her work, in her arms out on the sidewalk, and then the whole way home. It is now morning and well, I'm still crying. I feel like a shell of a man. Dead inside. Just a walking zombie. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, I had to tell myself to move just to keep from being late to work and I don't anything to do with anybody. I don't want anything to do with myself.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry. I would actually expect a married couple to have a room together at a retreat. There may be more going on here for your wife than her upset about how you want to manage your triggers and how it could impact her, and the sleeping situation at a retreat.

Is there an older couple, or leader or pastor that you and your wife could reach out to for support in navigating this? Are there any other married couples going?

Are you working with a therapist you could reach out to?

 

[Teddy Bear]

I'm so sorry. I would actually expect a married couple to have a room together at a retreat. There m...

I did reach out to the leader and there is another couple going but we were told to see if we can't just book a separate room, which will cost more than what everyone else is paying. Also, she is uncomfortable with sleeping with another guy in the room because she has low confidence of her looks.

 

[Justmehere]

You don't want to sleep alone in a room with other guys because of trauma triggers, she doesn't want to because of her low self confidence...

I think you both need someone to come alongside and help you two communicate with each other to find a path through this together. Not so much to come up with housing options, but someone to help you and her learn how to communicate and resolve conflict.