EmptiedPie
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Hello. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was pretty young. I'm not sure where to start with this, but I felt that I needed someone's advice or insight on the situation to at-least give me a little backing. I have a mother who's bi-polar, has personality disorder, PTSD, a drinking problem, and a gambling problem all tied up into one neat little package of madness. I don't remember the majority of my childhood; everything I'll be talking about here is strictly from what my dad has told me and from the few, very limited memories I have (Mostly just still images or emotions). My mom and dad used to fight a lot when I was little, my mom had slowly descended into this weird emotional broken state for quite some time and it was just too much for my dad. He had told me of a time where she had, when she ran out of things to paint, began to start painting the ceiling of the house in a slightly different shade of white than the walls. After a while, my parents decided it would be better if they divorced. My mom was given custody of me.
Here is sort of like the dark age of my life, I don't remember anything and I think I'd prefer not to.
My dad got a call from CPS saying that he needed to go down to my mom's to pick me and my sister up immediately before they took us, and left it at that. He rushed down to her house and was ready to kick down the door if he needed to, but he said the door was unlocked. Inside there was trash everywhere, the fridge was empty, and my mom's door was locked. Me and my sister were trapped into the same hallway for god knows how long, apparently half starved.
Preschool wasn't fun for me. I was a really distanced kid, I loved being alone but always got extremely distressed when other kids tried playing or working with me.
Eventually my dad took me to a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD.
I've gone without a therapist for about 8 to 10 years now (Other than my dad, who is a therapist himself), disregarding the occasional school counselor who would take care of me. At-least that I know of or remember, I've never had flashbacks, but instead would have these violent and aggressive outbursts when I was younger when other people would yell at me or make fun of me. I would get picked on for having anger issues afterwards, even though I was always the nicest and most calm child disregarding my "meltdowns". I wouldn't exactly call them anger either, they were more like an instinctual act of trying to frighten the other person, or protect myself.
The end of middle school was the last time I had one, I gained control over myself in the course of the summer and even ended up with a few end-life goals that I still follow intensely. And then I had a small meltdown recently. It was different this time, but I still felt the same. I was tired and hungry at the time, not to mention I had kinda overworked my brain doing my lessons, but nevertheless it happened. At first was the rush of fear, and the complete shut down of my consciousness to my body, as if my brain was so preoccupied I didn't have time to use it; then came the yelling. It would take the form of people I talked to earlier that day instead of any voice in particular, in this case a few friends of mine. Then it escalated into images of me slamming my head desk it school, screaming at the top of my lungs asking for everyone to leave me alone. After a bit I managed to pull myself together, but I felt extremely shaken afterwards.
Then today a friend of mine had a bit of a meltdown from all of the stress he has to deal with and lashed a lot of it out at me. For some reason his yelling horrified me and I started to cry, so I distanced myself before it escalated into sobbing and took a break. Now, here I am, about an hour later typing this.
Any advice on what to do? Should I talk to someone about this? Or maybe you all have some insight on the period where I was in my mom's custody. At this point It's pretty much a given that she abused me in one way or another, whether I can believe that or not. I'm wondering if she ever hit me, that especially I can't bring myself to believing. Sure, there have been times where she's yelled at my sister while she was drunk because they were arguing, or one time that she yelled at my step dad. But she has never touched or threatened anyone even like that.
Here is sort of like the dark age of my life, I don't remember anything and I think I'd prefer not to.
My dad got a call from CPS saying that he needed to go down to my mom's to pick me and my sister up immediately before they took us, and left it at that. He rushed down to her house and was ready to kick down the door if he needed to, but he said the door was unlocked. Inside there was trash everywhere, the fridge was empty, and my mom's door was locked. Me and my sister were trapped into the same hallway for god knows how long, apparently half starved.
Preschool wasn't fun for me. I was a really distanced kid, I loved being alone but always got extremely distressed when other kids tried playing or working with me.
Eventually my dad took me to a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD.
I've gone without a therapist for about 8 to 10 years now (Other than my dad, who is a therapist himself), disregarding the occasional school counselor who would take care of me. At-least that I know of or remember, I've never had flashbacks, but instead would have these violent and aggressive outbursts when I was younger when other people would yell at me or make fun of me. I would get picked on for having anger issues afterwards, even though I was always the nicest and most calm child disregarding my "meltdowns". I wouldn't exactly call them anger either, they were more like an instinctual act of trying to frighten the other person, or protect myself.
The end of middle school was the last time I had one, I gained control over myself in the course of the summer and even ended up with a few end-life goals that I still follow intensely. And then I had a small meltdown recently. It was different this time, but I still felt the same. I was tired and hungry at the time, not to mention I had kinda overworked my brain doing my lessons, but nevertheless it happened. At first was the rush of fear, and the complete shut down of my consciousness to my body, as if my brain was so preoccupied I didn't have time to use it; then came the yelling. It would take the form of people I talked to earlier that day instead of any voice in particular, in this case a few friends of mine. Then it escalated into images of me slamming my head desk it school, screaming at the top of my lungs asking for everyone to leave me alone. After a bit I managed to pull myself together, but I felt extremely shaken afterwards.
Then today a friend of mine had a bit of a meltdown from all of the stress he has to deal with and lashed a lot of it out at me. For some reason his yelling horrified me and I started to cry, so I distanced myself before it escalated into sobbing and took a break. Now, here I am, about an hour later typing this.
Any advice on what to do? Should I talk to someone about this? Or maybe you all have some insight on the period where I was in my mom's custody. At this point It's pretty much a given that she abused me in one way or another, whether I can believe that or not. I'm wondering if she ever hit me, that especially I can't bring myself to believing. Sure, there have been times where she's yelled at my sister while she was drunk because they were arguing, or one time that she yelled at my step dad. But she has never touched or threatened anyone even like that.
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