I'm Not Shy... Or Am I?

[Upside Down Eagle]

I just went to an memorial exhibit of Operation Market Garden in my city. It is the last city the allies were in before Arnhem, "a bridge too far". I love WWII history so I thought it would be fun to go take a look.

There were a group of re-enactors there, soldiers, and civilians. An elegantly dressed man, a woman knitting. I was curious about them, they were talking to two other visitors. But I had no idea what to say to them, or how to participate in the conversation at all. I walked on. One soldier tried to engage me in the history by saying that he needed to fabricate a light or they wouldn't have any at night.

I was like: ".........". I like that he talked to me but I just could not interact. I felt like I was from another planet and could not understand his attempt at communication -and this is not the first time. I feel like that lots of times since my really bad, suicidal winter of last year. I've slammed shut.

As a kid I used to be like that, too, but I thought I'd grown out of this contact impediment. I thought I was confident, as I am with people I know. But even with them, I slam shut sometimes and I just can't respond or say anything -the words aren't even there.

Before my bad winter, I also had social anxiety -my heart rate would race during a presentation at the university or I would sweat when interacting with the professor in the middle of a lecture (as part of a discussion). But I didn't have the "freeze" thing, being left without words, making gigantic eyes, and then just walking away, like a skittish deer.

I'm so confused! I thought I knew who I was. But now I'm not sure again...
Also I don't know how to battle this huge silence in my head. It's a deafening silence sometimes.

Anybody recognize it?
I would love to have some advice :)

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Radise,
Thanks for articulating a question that I had not worked out that I needed to ask.

I know the freeze response well,

I also know the not being able to think of anything to say to people, or how to start a conversation.

I'm only just beginning to understand that it is PTS, so I'm sorry, no insights, just shared experience, hugs :hug: and hope for a way forward.

 

[Friday]

I was absolutely shocked when I first quit numbing out (alcohol, drugs, sex, violence) to find out I was shy.

Come to find, I'm not. At all. What I was, was interacting with the world without my walls up for the first time in ages. Crap. That's not going to happen! So I overcompensated. By throwing up mental walls in my own mind that kept me back. Since I wasn't keeping the world back anymore, I retreated myself.

Walls aren't necessarily a bad thing. In healthy parlance, they're boundaries. And I didn't have any. I was completely raw.

In time, as I learned to build new boundaries instead of depending on outside sources for them, I became less "shy". I got comfortable in my new roles and boundaries, and my placement within them. Ones I wasn't comfortable with, I stretched until I was.

It was exactly those kinds of situations, where I wanted to do XYZ, but my feet wouldn't take me there, or my mouth wouldn't open, or my mind shut down... That taught me what I actually wanted & where I needed to nudge out those boundaries. I was too close in. Too guarded. Not in an "everyone needs to" sense, but in how I wanted to be living my life, sense. It's vexing, for sure. It's also kind of exciting. Or, at least, it became exciting. Because it meant I was becoming more in control of myself, my life, my reactions. I could see what I wanted, so I could get there. It just sucks to run face first into a wall to know its there! Okay. Crap. Time to sort this thing out!!!

((The "Dares" thread is the best explanation I've ever come across on how to achieve that))

 

[Whirlwind]

I thought I knew who I was. But now I'm not sure again...

Very interesting question...I can relate but I don't have an answer. I was isolated growing up and my social skills were poor so I faked it by mimicking as best I could. And I didn't talk, hardly at all into young adulthood. I mean that literally.

So, over time my mimicking got better and I started to piece together "me" and I have wondering, am I an introvert by nature or an extrovert who was squashed by my environment?

I say this because I came to publicly speak for a living, truly unimaginable. And talking? Wow, my private joke was I was making up for lost time! LOL

I was/am? considered very extroverted and for a long time it felt great. I think that was the real me?

unfortunately when my PTSD arose late in life...I clammed back up, today I can hardly believe I spoke to rooms full of people with confidence. I feel very rarely like that anymore, its like I've been muffled (again). I am not as handicapped as I started but its odd how I have come full circle.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks for answering you guys,

It was exactly those kinds of situations, where I wanted to do XYZ, but my feet wouldn't take me there, or my mouth wouldn't open, or my mind shut down...

Yeah, exactly, that's what I mean. You want to do one thing, but the system just won't respond. It's weird because it doesn't happen everyday. For example, yesterday I also went out on my own and I talked to some strangers and I had no problem. It seems completely random...

I was isolated growing up and my social skills were poor so I faked it by mimicking as best I could. And I didn't talk, hardly at all into young adulthood. I mean that literally.

Yeah same here. I grew up on some remote village on an island, everything else was pretty far away, I had no siblings. I talked to my cats and to pictures of people. I can relate to those much better than people, normally. I also actually think I am an extroverted person, very confident, but my childhood battered it out of me and people think I'm "shy" or introverted by nature.

Yeah I feel muffled too. But I seem to get breaks here and there.

 

[Whirlwind]

Yeah, I get that, I suspect my nature was squashed into something different. Socially despite my early isolation I am very capable today, and I enjoy it. Ah, but I remember the first time I saw teenagers, they petrified me, LOL. I didn't know they existed! And speaking of cats, sadly but lovingly my cats were my saviors, I loved them, honestly, I think they deserve credit for raising me. Silly but they gave me affection I wasn't getting otherwise.

So, what makes you feel "right"? When your extroversion emerges? One consideration is that you can choose you know, its your life :) and no ones knows any different, you can "wear" anything you like.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

@Whirlwind thanks for the reply, I had an episode of brainfog for a good while, so I read your post but felt incapable of reacting in a good manner ;-)

Hmm I don't really know what makes me feel right. I guess it depends on the day. Sometimes I like to be detached and quiet, and just watch people as they flaunt and busy themselves around. Other days I'm more of the extrovert, I'm the first one to joke, and generally have a capacity to lead other people even when they're in a group.

After my real big dip of last year I've become way more quiet. Maybe I need some time to recuperate.