I'm Numb

[depressedjenn]

I have no other feeling but numbness. I'm tired of everything.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello Jenn :)

I am sorry you feel this way. 4 months ago I was also very mentally tired. And I have noicted your posts you feel that. How long as that been going on?

I am going to make a suggestion, you don't have to do it or even look it to it. Your choice. Have you thought of looking into a hospital or taking a more drastic step to change yourself for the better? That's what helped me. I was able to stablize there and get my life a little more back together. Just a thought.

Take care of yourself.

 

[shell]

I've been having a really hard time with this as well. I went off my anti-depressants because I felt they were making me worse, but maybe it's me just avoiding everything.

I was talking last week about not feeling fear, I don't even feel that anymore when discussing the past. I talk about memories, but there are no feelings, fear or anything that I should be feeling. When I discuss things it feels like I'm wasting his and my time.

The only fear I have (which is weird because I feel nothing else) is of feeling.

I became so self destructive about six months ago, that I scared myself to the point where now I'm afraid to feel. I knew I was irrational, but I didn't care, I could rationalize and justify my actions as stupid as they were. I could make any excuse seem logical, it was my intention to end everything, I couldn't deal with facing my past. My fear of having to face my emotions is so bad, that as soon as any threatened to surface, I switch them off. It's automatic, I shut down and disconnect as soon as any surface.

I know it doesn't help me deal with things, and we have been working for many weeks on making me feel, be in my body and stop physically numbing and mentally numbing. I realized today that I actually fear feeling anything. I'm scared to feel what I was feeling, because I wasn't coping.

I fear, feeling fear. I am starting to feel again, but it's been a very slow process.

It seems like a vicious circle, I can't process things if I don't emotionally connect, but I'm scared to feel anything, to allow myself to appear weak and vulnerable in front of him. I'm scared to cry, to feel, to talk about the past.

I was so scared to talk in therapy with the first therapist I saw, I totally disconnected from myself each time I walked in the room. He asked one time, what just happened then? I pretended it was nothing. I thought I was going crazy. It let me talk about the past, but it doesn't allow me to get better.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

((((Shell))))
hugs. Keep on writing and getting it out of you. Don't give up. the only way out is through it. You already survived it. It is the feelings you had at the time. It is normal to feel all you are feeling. You are not alone. Keep on going forwards, you don't have to repeat what you have already accomplished.