I'm so tired...

[SeekingAfrica]

It's been sooo hard of an year, and it's exhausting. Every time I thought I was finally doing well some emergency happened. Health issues, things breaking down, other issues. And every time I think I've gone a step forward I slide backwards. But I handled everything. And kept telling myself one more step, just one more thing.

And now that objectively I might be getting close to things being a LOT easier, it's like I'm broken. Two months ago I had a relapse back into high anxiety/panic attacks and what seems to be some of my PTSD symptoms again. I'm back on meds and that's good, but my system is still adjusting to them. I should have gotten them sooner, because I only got them when things had gotten so bad that it was the only way to keep going- I had started having issues getting out of my apartment, working, and pretty much anything concerning normal functioning. I had a lot of days wondering what's the point in anything. No specific plans, but I was just in that much pain and feeling that hopeless.

I should be starting therapy back soon(waiting for new therapist to start work as mine left). My medication is working, but I think it's still adjusting or it needs to be stronger(it's been about 4 weeks). Logistically, I'm slowly reducing the sources of my stress, but it's like my mind has gotten to a point where it can't recognise that or trust it. I am starting to have a bit less panic attacks(meds, I suppose), but I'm struggling a lot with other things. I have gotten to survival mode and I keep feeling hopeless and helpless, and not sleeping, and having nightmares and rechecking if I locked the door way too many times. I'm taking steps forward, but it feels like too little too late. I'm afraid I'll completely fall apart right before things finally get a bit better and all those months of trying would have been for nothing. I'm trying to talk to friends and sometimes that helps and sometimes that freaks me out, because I'm afraid I'm dragging them to my darkness.

My life needs changes. I need changes. I need better work, more work. I need to take good care of myself again. I need to do a lot of changes. I need to get in shape. I need therapy. Most of all, I really wish I could take few months off to just take care of my health, but it's not an option. I'm still in so much mental pain, every day, and it feels like it will never get better, and I'm exhausted from believing it will...And yet I'm trying, I am. I just wish I knew how to make this better sooner. In this state it's hard to have faith, and I need that.

 

[bellbird]

Hang in there, you're going to get through this.

I should be starting therapy back soon

My medication is working

I'm slowly reducing the sources of my stress

These are all great things :hug:

it's like my mind has gotten to a point where it can't recognise that or trust it

This is because your brain has been in a stressed state for so long, that those neural pathways have been dominant.
You will get back there, it just takes time and conscious effort to keep making those positive steps mentioned above :)

My life needs changes. I need changes.

One suggestion: write a list of all the changes you want to see, and practical, achievable steps you can put in place to make those changes happen.
Things can seem so overwhelming and loud and insurmountable when they're up in our heads, I find that writing things down makes them seem less so.

I need therapy.

This will happen soon.

I need to get in shape.

Try brainstorming for yourself some dietary/exercise/lifestyle changes you can make. Nothing major to begin with.. just baby steps to give yourself the best chance of sticking with it.

I need to take good care of myself again.

This point could fit in with the above brainstorm.

I really wish I could take few months off to just take care of my health, but it's not an option.

So what plans can we put in place instead?

And yet I'm trying, I am.

I know you are. And I know it is hard. But you're going to get through this.
Proud of you :hug:

 

[ms spock]

You are brave.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

You are brave.

Thanks! Some days I really need to hear this, today in particular. Everything feels so hard, so bleak, so pointless. And I have to work, I have to do all the regular stuff if I want to reach a time when things get better, but I feel so weak. I just wish I could get a break from this. Everything feels so hard.

 

[ms spock]

I hope it shifts soon. I really do.

I am barracking for you.

 

[shimmerz]

I need changes. I need better work, more work......

That's a whole whack of a ton of 'I need to's' and 'mores and betters'. When my head starts to do that I know immediately that I need to write a gratitude list or sit down and recall the strides that I have made in the recent past (there are always those).

That internal dialog, in my opinion, is adding to your feeling so beaten down. Is it possible to replace the I needs with accomplishments instead?