Hi @Complex Lulu I saw your post under my trauma diary and I see why the forum put it there. We are very similar. My husband has brought out the severity of my attachment issues. I have been in therapy off and on for 15 years and never have attached to any of my therapists. But I attached to him. And wish I hadn't as attachment has proven to cause problems almost entirely with very little benefit from my perspective as a sad, broken person.
In the beginning he was so patient, kind, loving, understanding. He took care of me emotionally and I pushed him away constantly. He is now burned out and drained emotionally and no longer able to attempt the reassurances he used to do that were helping to change my unconscious belief that everyone is dangerous and I need to stay far away even though I want to be close.
It's sad as I finally got settled enough to be able to receive those loving gestures, and he's no longer got the energy to give them. I pushed back so much he won't try anymore. His version of trying is not leaving me. But he left emotionally. We have been married 7 years.
I'm sure it's a lot of pressure to be the only person that your partner trusts even a little. In my case I have protector parts that also cause issues. Or maybe it's the same. Idk. I think it's "me" being scared and reactive and also a protector that sabotages stuff in hope of keeping me safe. I'm safe but I'm alone.
This morning my husband was rubbing my back asking if I feel better as I've had a huge episode earlier this week and have been all messed up from it. I'm like nah. I'm sad. Because he could have stopped or reduced the severity of the episode and didn't. I'm mad at myself for being so hard to love that he's no longer available for the deeper parts of myself.
So anyway. You're not alone. I'm not sure I have any csa. I don't have any direct memories of it but sex has always been a huge trigger. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I am sure the therapist is right that we are finally safe to feel, but it's such a double edged sword. Feeling has made me volatile. It's made me unsafe. It's made me feel unsafe. I wish I could go back to that numb avoidant person I used to be.