Jenbrookify
Bronze Member
Warning- this is pretty much a rant, sorry.
This week has been terrible. I am a junior in high school and while there probably wasn't much more work to do this week than any other week it was just particularly difficult. I am averaging 4 and a half hours of sleep per night and had 2 break downs. My flash backs are getting worse and my jaw hurts and it's making it harder (for those of you who don't know my trauma was with my jaw & face). I have chronic nausea that comes and goes and several times this week I had to force myself to eat, or didn't eat at all. I've been getting migraines. There's this weird thing I do with my wrists when I get stressed out that I've done my whole life, but since my trauma it has gotten a lot worse, and on particularly bad weeks they can get messed up pretty bad. I'm having other symptoms of stress that 40 year olds get, and I'm 17. I have made it through the tests and projects and readings that were due this week only just barely. I can't sleep and my brain just doesn't function during the mornings because of that.
So last night, I decided that I would let myself have a rest. The only thing other than homework that was due today was an outline that I could email to my teacher. There were no assessments, no presentations, no essays. I was exhausted, and I didn't care anymore about internalizing it. I just wanted a break. So I asked my mom for a favor and she agreed. She let me stay.
I got 11 hours of sleep. I managed to fall asleep fairly quickly and I didn't set an alarm for the morning. I did wake up a few times, as usual, but I was so tired that I managed to go to sleep again. I took my time in the morning, made myself breakfast, took a long shower, and after finishing an assignment, sending it to my teacher, cleaning the kitchen, and taking care of my dog, I let myself do nothing. It was a good day. There were barely any triggers.
Then my little brother comes home. He wants to know why I got to stay home for no reason. This guy has 14 absences for this year alone, is failing 2 classes, and plays minecraft instead of doing homework, all while complaining about how hard his basic level 8th grade classes are. I understand that school work can be hard. But what do you expect when you put more effort into whining about it than studying? Meanwhile I can count my absences for this year on one hand, have an all AP and honors course load (except for math), am president of a club, am in 3 others, and participate in other sports and extracurriculars outside of school.
I understand that I brought this schedule onto myself. I enjoy learning. I like the clubs I'm in. I feel happy when I am doing gymnastics and diving. It tires me out but maintaining my schedule is the only way I can function at the moment. If I don't do too much I won't do anything.
So I get stressed out. I guess my way of running from my problems is just creating more. And I realize that now, and this one day I decided to let myself not stress out. I am no longer functional. I am too tired.
As soon as my brother comes home, though, he just starts on a tirade about how I am a fake. He starts yelling and he doesn't stop. He goes on to tell me his sob story, and asks me if I know what it's like to have stomach problems all the time, or headaches all the time, or back problems, like he has, and how I can't imagine how hard it is for him. He says I stayed home just because I was tired and what the hell kind of a reason was that. He complains like he always does about how terrible his life is, and that I am just a weak person who can't deal with being tired.
I don't push all of my issues on other people. I don't acknowledge that I am having a difficulty with something out loud unless I am dying. So everyone thinks I'm ok. I just can't live up to that expectation anymore. I can't keep pretending everything's fine. At the same time I can't talk about it, because then I feel like a fake and an attention w**re and like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I don't want to deal with opinions. I don't want to have to explain my needs. I realize this is ridiculous to ask but I am not taking anything away from my brother, and if I don't change something I'm just going to continue to be mad at everything which just makes him mad at me.
I'm sorry for writing a lot about things probably no one wants to read. I just needed to get it out.
This week has been terrible. I am a junior in high school and while there probably wasn't much more work to do this week than any other week it was just particularly difficult. I am averaging 4 and a half hours of sleep per night and had 2 break downs. My flash backs are getting worse and my jaw hurts and it's making it harder (for those of you who don't know my trauma was with my jaw & face). I have chronic nausea that comes and goes and several times this week I had to force myself to eat, or didn't eat at all. I've been getting migraines. There's this weird thing I do with my wrists when I get stressed out that I've done my whole life, but since my trauma it has gotten a lot worse, and on particularly bad weeks they can get messed up pretty bad. I'm having other symptoms of stress that 40 year olds get, and I'm 17. I have made it through the tests and projects and readings that were due this week only just barely. I can't sleep and my brain just doesn't function during the mornings because of that.
So last night, I decided that I would let myself have a rest. The only thing other than homework that was due today was an outline that I could email to my teacher. There were no assessments, no presentations, no essays. I was exhausted, and I didn't care anymore about internalizing it. I just wanted a break. So I asked my mom for a favor and she agreed. She let me stay.
I got 11 hours of sleep. I managed to fall asleep fairly quickly and I didn't set an alarm for the morning. I did wake up a few times, as usual, but I was so tired that I managed to go to sleep again. I took my time in the morning, made myself breakfast, took a long shower, and after finishing an assignment, sending it to my teacher, cleaning the kitchen, and taking care of my dog, I let myself do nothing. It was a good day. There were barely any triggers.
Then my little brother comes home. He wants to know why I got to stay home for no reason. This guy has 14 absences for this year alone, is failing 2 classes, and plays minecraft instead of doing homework, all while complaining about how hard his basic level 8th grade classes are. I understand that school work can be hard. But what do you expect when you put more effort into whining about it than studying? Meanwhile I can count my absences for this year on one hand, have an all AP and honors course load (except for math), am president of a club, am in 3 others, and participate in other sports and extracurriculars outside of school.
I understand that I brought this schedule onto myself. I enjoy learning. I like the clubs I'm in. I feel happy when I am doing gymnastics and diving. It tires me out but maintaining my schedule is the only way I can function at the moment. If I don't do too much I won't do anything.
So I get stressed out. I guess my way of running from my problems is just creating more. And I realize that now, and this one day I decided to let myself not stress out. I am no longer functional. I am too tired.
As soon as my brother comes home, though, he just starts on a tirade about how I am a fake. He starts yelling and he doesn't stop. He goes on to tell me his sob story, and asks me if I know what it's like to have stomach problems all the time, or headaches all the time, or back problems, like he has, and how I can't imagine how hard it is for him. He says I stayed home just because I was tired and what the hell kind of a reason was that. He complains like he always does about how terrible his life is, and that I am just a weak person who can't deal with being tired.
I don't push all of my issues on other people. I don't acknowledge that I am having a difficulty with something out loud unless I am dying. So everyone thinks I'm ok. I just can't live up to that expectation anymore. I can't keep pretending everything's fine. At the same time I can't talk about it, because then I feel like a fake and an attention w**re and like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I don't want to deal with opinions. I don't want to have to explain my needs. I realize this is ridiculous to ask but I am not taking anything away from my brother, and if I don't change something I'm just going to continue to be mad at everything which just makes him mad at me.
I'm sorry for writing a lot about things probably no one wants to read. I just needed to get it out.
