I don't know where to put this so its going here for now. Admin/mods/whoever feel free to move this to wherever is more appropriate.
I'm going to do this is sections so it doesn't seem so disjointed because my thoughts are running rampantly random.
Background the the problem
I am/was diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder, depressive episodes and severe self-harm at age 15 only after a complete breakdown and removal from normal life. I was discharged from mental health services very abruptly at age 18, and I'm now 21 years old. I was on a small dose (2mg) of risperdal daily for 5 years (ages 15 - 20 when my GP took me off it) and up until 5 months ago I was also on 40mg of fluoxetine daily. Herein lies my dilemma.
The reason for the problem and its effects
The fluoxetine I stopped myself 5 months ago when I moved out of my parental home and to a house with my fiance. I am awful at remembering ANYTHING let alone medication and my mother had to remind me to take my medication every single day once I was allowed to take them myself. Since I have stopped them I am different in a bad way. I thought I could cope, but I can't. It wasn't so bad at first, I was just snappy and irritable. A situation (small incident of bullying in college) which should have just brushed me has hit me square in the chest and caused a "flare up". Now I am depressed, angry, tearful, on edge and no longer in remission it seems. I have damaged walls of my rented house in explosions of anger, almost broken my knuckle punching the wall, am actively trying to get over my no-self-harm-wall and have contemplated suicide on many occasions (passively, I don't know why but I can't do that to my fiance and puppy). My behavior has been described as "bi-polar"-like by my sister and a couple of people close to me.
The actual problem
I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm on an access to nursing course in my college and have just sent off my application to study mental health nursing at university, so this relapse has come at the worst possible time ever. There is no point taking my medication again right now because it won't kick back in until January-ish which is when I have an appointment for a re-assessment with mental health services (I was referred in October and that is the appointment they gave me... *headdesk*) and the fact is I hated fluoxetine anyway because I think I built a tolerance.
I don't want to be actively treated by mental health because of my university application but I know I need it. I need to go to university this coming year because of my financial situation but I'm worried they will reject me based on the outcome of my assessment, as the head of my course said: "Nobody wants a patient treating a patient".
I feel like I have two choices:
- Cancel/go in to the assessment and act as if everything is fine and it was just a overreaction of a locum at my surgery to refer me. This could end up very well if my relapse goes away, or very badly if I end up self harming properly again.
- Go to the appointment and tell them the truth. This also could go either way, as my mental health services can be really shite at times and may discharge me and not worthy of their time and resources, or they could treat me and I'll possibly have to give up uni if the universities find out that I'm a patient again, which will without a doubt would end me up in crisis mode.
Lose-lose.
Any thoughts or advice is welcome.
Apz x
I'm going to do this is sections so it doesn't seem so disjointed because my thoughts are running rampantly random.
Background the the problem
I am/was diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder, depressive episodes and severe self-harm at age 15 only after a complete breakdown and removal from normal life. I was discharged from mental health services very abruptly at age 18, and I'm now 21 years old. I was on a small dose (2mg) of risperdal daily for 5 years (ages 15 - 20 when my GP took me off it) and up until 5 months ago I was also on 40mg of fluoxetine daily. Herein lies my dilemma.
The reason for the problem and its effects
The fluoxetine I stopped myself 5 months ago when I moved out of my parental home and to a house with my fiance. I am awful at remembering ANYTHING let alone medication and my mother had to remind me to take my medication every single day once I was allowed to take them myself. Since I have stopped them I am different in a bad way. I thought I could cope, but I can't. It wasn't so bad at first, I was just snappy and irritable. A situation (small incident of bullying in college) which should have just brushed me has hit me square in the chest and caused a "flare up". Now I am depressed, angry, tearful, on edge and no longer in remission it seems. I have damaged walls of my rented house in explosions of anger, almost broken my knuckle punching the wall, am actively trying to get over my no-self-harm-wall and have contemplated suicide on many occasions (passively, I don't know why but I can't do that to my fiance and puppy). My behavior has been described as "bi-polar"-like by my sister and a couple of people close to me.
The actual problem
I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm on an access to nursing course in my college and have just sent off my application to study mental health nursing at university, so this relapse has come at the worst possible time ever. There is no point taking my medication again right now because it won't kick back in until January-ish which is when I have an appointment for a re-assessment with mental health services (I was referred in October and that is the appointment they gave me... *headdesk*) and the fact is I hated fluoxetine anyway because I think I built a tolerance.
I don't want to be actively treated by mental health because of my university application but I know I need it. I need to go to university this coming year because of my financial situation but I'm worried they will reject me based on the outcome of my assessment, as the head of my course said: "Nobody wants a patient treating a patient".
I feel like I have two choices:
- Cancel/go in to the assessment and act as if everything is fine and it was just a overreaction of a locum at my surgery to refer me. This could end up very well if my relapse goes away, or very badly if I end up self harming properly again.
- Go to the appointment and tell them the truth. This also could go either way, as my mental health services can be really shite at times and may discharge me and not worthy of their time and resources, or they could treat me and I'll possibly have to give up uni if the universities find out that I'm a patient again, which will without a doubt would end me up in crisis mode.
Lose-lose.
Any thoughts or advice is welcome.
Apz x
