Impermanence

[Sighs]

The other day my sufferer said "If it doesn't happen this year it's no big deal. We're going to live here for the rest of our lives so there's no rush." I didn't say anything but I was like "Wow! Really?"

I'm nearly 40. The longest I've lived in one place is 6 years. When I was 6 we moved interstate. When I was 12 we immigrated across the world. I moved out of home when I was 17. Lived in a bunch of places. Some as short as 6 months. Longest in one house 5 years. Out to the country, back to the city. Across town. I never seem to put down roots in any one spot.

In 2014 I moved interstate in January and moved again another 700 km away in May.

Since May my sufferer has "broken up" with me at least twice. That would mean me moving out as I can't run the property without him. Neither of those "break ups" lasted more than a couple of hours, but I feel like it could happen at any time.

Interesting that he (at least in that moment) felt secure enough that we would be staying together and staying put.

 

[Sighs]

PS - I looked up the word "impermanence" to check my spelling. Turns out its a Buddhist doctrine that all existence is in a constant state of flux. Pretty much how I feel.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I get this totally.

We have been having the "moving in together and/or getting married" discussion, and I cant tell who is more freaked out... me or him. He bought me diamonds for our last anniversary, but made sure they earrings so I didn't panic.

It is nice when they start to see a future though, instead of just surviving day to day.

 

[Sighs]

Diamond earrings! Win!

The marriage discussion is one I have very mixed feelings about. I've been divorced twice. Not proud but there it is.

He always says he was married for 24 years, but actually they didn't get married until about 10 years into their relationship. They lived together and had kids together before they got married. I asked him once why did you get married after all that time. He said they just wanted to.

He told me the ex before me didn't believe in marriage and didn't want to get married and that he did.

After the first big disagreement when we reunited he asked me if I could see myself marrying him one day. I said I would marry him tomorrow. He said he would have to start saving for a ring. That was over a year ago. Plenty of money spent on other things since! Lol

I would like him to WANT to marry me, because I feel that he wanted to marry his ex, but he doesn't want to marry me. But I don't know that I really want to get married again. And how can I say "why don't you want to marry me?". Who wants a proposal that feels pressured? And what would that achieve anyway when I'm not really sure I want to get married again anyway? We have bought a property together and we don't plan to have children together. The law in our country will treat us as if we were married after we've lived together for 2 years. There's no reason to get married. Sigh!

Maybe he feels like I know he wants to marry me one day and that I want to marry him one day and that's all that needs to be said about it?

 

[Sweetpea76]

We're in our late 30s and both divorced as well. I'm wondering if other couples our age just have these many issues without PTSD lol.

 

[Sighs]

I suspect that they do! They say getting married for the second time is a triumph of hope over experience. I guess a third marriage would make me a really slow learner!

I think having his, mine and ours children complicates things a hundred fold. I've done the blended families thing before. Thank goodness in my current situation his children are adults, mine almost is and none of them live with us. I don't think he could cope with the stress of children or teenagers in the house.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Teenagers make things interesting. I'm trying to figure that dynamic out. I do not want to stress him out, or put the kids into a situation that may be too challenging for them.

 

[Sighs]

My 17 year old has high functioning autism. Think Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory. Someone said to me once "Wow - that would make life interesting - you've got one person who functions almost entirely Left Brain (autistic) and another who functions almost entirely Right Brain (PTSD)" Its not fair on either of them to expect them to cope with the other's issues. So she lives with my parents in another state. Its not a great situation. But its better than forcing them into the same space.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My youngest is 14 and my oldest is 18. Everybody gets along great, but we don't live together. I am worried that the normal teenage girl drama and/or volume would get to him. A scandalous facebook post elicits the same squeals that masked ninjas kicking in the kitchen window would. She knows to dial it back when we are around my vet... but that isn't a 24/7 living arrangement yet.

I also worry about the break up issues... it seems like when we have issues as a couple, they are always "all or nothing." Like you said, a three hour break up. I don't want to have my kids be part of that instability.