Improvement?

[BrazenBull]

Today i was actually able to sort of open up to one of my best friends who Ive been hanging around with for half a year
I was still shaking like a leaf, stuttering ... alot, and we were sitting outside on the stairs so there was still no eye-contact (just me looking back and forth across the surrounding area like im looking for someone, but im just being all blehhh)
She said some stuff that i would usually get mad at people for mentioning, about stuff i f*cking hate to remember, but i talked slowly about it anyways (stuttering and shaking even more .__.)
just talking about how i would be alone in that apartment all day every day, sick and tired of being used, sick of being everyones punching bag, and literally sick and not being well enough to get out of bed and i would lay on the floor or on the bed for 4 days strait without eating or doing anything till i was ... sort of well enough.
also stuff about family dieing and how that made me feel even more alone, causing me to be restless at night.
talked to her about why i used drugs all the time

It was very hard i felt horrible while speaking ...... just wanted it to end
but i felt sort of better afterwards, like maybe I don't really deserve to be alone.
I do think that maybe im alone most of a time for a reason and everything that has happened to me is my fault.But ... IDK what to think now, and i dont know if it will last, I feel like something bad is going to happen if i become closer with people.

 

[ronin47]

That's wonderful! You've made excellent progress by being able to talk to someone besides a professional about your pain. I have the opposite problem. When I open up to someone it feels good at the time but then I feel akward afterward.

You didn't have control over losing your family. Death comes to everyone at some point or another, if there's one thing in the world that's utterly impossible to control, it's the perpetual reality of death. Often stress causes us to want to isolate. The fact that you can talk to people about your problems shows you are getting better and handling stress so you are a little more comfortable talking with people.

 

[The Albatross]

Hey, you took a risk. Eye contact is optional at first. (Been there, done that... people used to look behind themselves to see what or who I was tailing to when I found a voice again.)

Yeah it feels uncomfortable.. but risk taking is easier with practice, persistence, and patience (in another forum prayer although that's optional). I call it the 3 or 5 "P"s... it is a personal challenge for me to risk more and dare to be a little (or alot depending on what it is) uncomfortable. Great going. Take heart... one giant step forward today!

 

[caliaviator]

That took courage to talk to someone about what you're going through. I found that keeping in the pain only brings bitterness, and it hurts much longer than if you were to let it out. Letting it out is extremely hard, but in the end it feels much better. Just think of it as instead of spreading the pain over a long period of time, you're bringing it all out so that it doesn't stack up with other problems down the road. Good job brazen :)

 

[BrazenBull]

Thanks guys, I've been actually kind of looking forward to speak with her again
but last week i wasn't "around" because i was robbed and taken to an airport and it took me maybe 7 hrs to get home on foot
and I was back in the guidance office because my teacher noticed scars on my hands from punching walls repeatedly out of anger.
IDK maybe I should try and talk to her about it tomorrow, if she has time, i still dont feel comfortable with a group of people or if I feel like shes too busy for me, or if I might be in the way.
I dont want to push my problems and anxiety out on anyone.