Pakadlangitok
Silver Member
For those who have been following my posts, you know on the 11th things got really bad and I almost checked out. Then I wandered around in a daze Tues and Wed. asking God for even one kind soul to help me.
He sent me St Augustine who is beseaching the violated women not to kill themselves. That was very compassionate, but I still needed a human being to connect with me.
Not a single person. Not one.
I went to church and the pastor went on about his lack of compassion, how guilty he is of no compassion. It was after the shootings and all and he way saying he is part of the trouble.
That made me cringe! I have way TOO MUCH compassion and the preacher is saying he basically has none?
Then I went to a religious study group to try to tell someone, to take away the intensity because it kept building. AGAIN, they are saying they have no compassion, too, that the stuff in the world does not affect them. They were into being honest and I appreciate that and I like them! But it made me feel so unsafe.
Then I tried another group and no one told me it was cancelled. I go there SO HARD TO GET THERE with all this and door locked.
Then I go to my sister and tell her I am going to do it and she just looks at me. She is way older (lots of age difference there) and is tired. She was my caretaker when young, when I "only" had the disability before the pedophile, the DV, the accident.......now she is beat.
So I came home so very suicidal and just punched myself so hard in the face.
I kept doing it until the pain beat out the thoughts. I have not done that before. In this world on no compassion people will laugh at the that and think that is funny that I punched myself in the face. It is not funny. It hurt and left a (small) mark you would not notice unless you knew. But I know.
So that is how it is.
So last effort I call suicide line and a very nice person talks me down. Wondering how long that anonymous voice can talk me down
Yes I have a T. She is always so mortified about my life.
I am soooo alone.
He sent me St Augustine who is beseaching the violated women not to kill themselves. That was very compassionate, but I still needed a human being to connect with me.
Not a single person. Not one.
I went to church and the pastor went on about his lack of compassion, how guilty he is of no compassion. It was after the shootings and all and he way saying he is part of the trouble.
That made me cringe! I have way TOO MUCH compassion and the preacher is saying he basically has none?
Then I went to a religious study group to try to tell someone, to take away the intensity because it kept building. AGAIN, they are saying they have no compassion, too, that the stuff in the world does not affect them. They were into being honest and I appreciate that and I like them! But it made me feel so unsafe.
Then I tried another group and no one told me it was cancelled. I go there SO HARD TO GET THERE with all this and door locked.
Then I go to my sister and tell her I am going to do it and she just looks at me. She is way older (lots of age difference there) and is tired. She was my caretaker when young, when I "only" had the disability before the pedophile, the DV, the accident.......now she is beat.
So I came home so very suicidal and just punched myself so hard in the face.
I kept doing it until the pain beat out the thoughts. I have not done that before. In this world on no compassion people will laugh at the that and think that is funny that I punched myself in the face. It is not funny. It hurt and left a (small) mark you would not notice unless you knew. But I know.
So that is how it is.
So last effort I call suicide line and a very nice person talks me down. Wondering how long that anonymous voice can talk me down
Yes I have a T. She is always so mortified about my life.
I am soooo alone.
