In-laws On Their Way Up For A Week Long Vaction

[Bookoffee]

My in-laws are on their way here to visit us for a week. My mother-in-law and wife are always bumping heads. Her mother tells her that she loves her but doesn't like her. My wife is going insane over them coming up.

It will be my 40th Birthday next month. we were going to celebrate while they were here. Because my mother - in-law birthday is this month and brother-in-law's girlfriend Birthday is a couple of days after mine, it has turned into celebrating everyone's Birthday at once.

My wife is completely upset over this. Her mother will text her daily about how she hasn't gotten a gift for her brother and his girlfriend.

It frustrates her because her brother is 10 years younger than her. They put him through college and he now lives at home and her mother will buy all his needs like clothing, food, car insurance, car payment, etc..

They didn't help my wife with anything. When she got her license, they had her pay for her car. When she went to college, they had her pay for it.

We both have been struggling emotionally and mentally for the past year. My wife is in a deep depression and we have lost each other. I make matters worse when I try to help.

She had reached out to her mother for support. They had once had a Sunday evening call set up. It stopped and my wife has been wanting it back for a long time now. When my wife would reach out to her mother, she wouldn't get the support she needed. I became upset and frustrated and texted her mother about how awful my wife is doing and how much it would mean to her for them to have some connection in life. She would like to have a family more than twice a year. We travel to them for Thanksgiving and they come up in May. Anything in between is not there.

After I sent the text to her mother to help us mentally, she texted my wife telling her she doesn't know what she wants out of her but she is what is and will never change. It broke my wife's spirit. She has been completely lost since. She will go to work and come home and sleep in her chair.

She finally started to go to therapy and the past week she started to write again. This is all she will do. I know how therapeutic it is for her and I let her be. She tells me daily how miserable she is and has never been this miserable in life before. She told that if she didn't start to write again, she would have died.

I cant help but think this is all my fault. She tells me that she would have rather stayed in a physical abusive relationship then to be living the way she is now. We moved into our apartment a year ago and haven't unpacked yet. Since we moved, we have been a stranger to each other.

Every time I try to reach out to her, she will push me away and let me know that I am acting inappropriate. Anything I do is criticized. She will yell at me not to be lazy and how gross our house is but will do nothing about making it better and when I try, she will yell at me to stop and that I don't need to do anything to please her.

I am scared and nervous about her family coming up and how they will treat her and how we will get everyone in our apartment that looks like a bomb went off. They rented a house for all of us to stay at. My wife told her mother multiple times that we would need a house that accepts pets because our dog is special needs and we cant put her in a kennel. Her mother rented a house that will not allow pets and if there is a pet is in the house, they wont get their deposit back and will be charged extra.

Everything is a complete mess. I don't want to move forward in life. I just want to let my wife go to a place where she can find happiness and the love she needs. I have lost all my empathy for her and everyone around me. I worry and talk to my animals more than her. Last night my dog started to cough while she was in my lap. I looked at my dog and asked her if she was OK and my wife answered. I felt like a complete ass caring more about my dog then what she is going through right now.

There are time I fear losing my animals more than her. I cant go on like this. I feel as though I am a problem to everyone around me and I am hated by everyone. My existence is ruining everyone around me, including my job.

 

[scout86]

Everything is a complete mess.

I honestly didn't read all the details. What I DID read sounds awfully familiar.

Having guests for an entire week is a huge undertaking, even if you like them, they're not too demanding, and can largely take care of themselves. What you're talking about there sounds like a nightmare and a really bad idea.

A couple things help when confronted with difficult guests. Pretty much limitations on time and space. So, they rented a house? Great idea. THEY stay in the house, YOU stay at your apartment, and you all get together for the occasional meal. Seriously, a week is a long time. You and your wife have lives too. I'm thinking these people weren't invited as much as they invited themselves? So you're "happy to see them" and will spend specified amounts of time with them, at their rented house, when it works for you. Period. Stand your ground. Your wife needs to stand HER ground too. Might seem like a daunting task, but accomplishing it is quite liberating. (Been there, done that. I highly recommend it!)

 

[Sam(antha)]

I second Scout, well said! I have limited time, sorry if a short answer is worse than no answer. and i don't know if we're allowed to refer to other websites/blogs here, but I have a family that seems to be (dude, frankly, I'm sure of it) cut from the same cloth. I should paste the link, but google "Anna Valerious" and "narcissists suck" (and "blogspot"?) and you will get this amazing blogger's site. She is christian, but if christianity leaves a bad taste in your mouth, don't worry, she's a hit with secular as well. I have never met a writer like her who has been able to articulate the madness that surrounds family set up's like this.

On a personal level, for whatever it's worth, I can identify with both the emotional and situational experiences in your life to an alarming degree. If it helps any, any comfort, I feel alone with you. So hopefully my alone lends company to your alone (yours did mine today, thank you).

 

[Friday]

We have very different problems, but reading your post reminded me of my life, because our problems are doing the exact same thing: bleeding into each other.

What's helping me, right now, is to parse it. Here's what I'm seeing (may not be everything, and may not "flow" correctly).

- Rental House No Pets
- Fear of bringing people to your apt
- Wife's relationship with Mother *
- Wife's depression &/or other mental health issues
- Your role as a supporter
- Your relationship with your wife
- Your relationship with your MIL
- Your PTSD
- Wife's role as a supporter *
- State of the Home
- State of the Union
* What you want these things to be as opposed to what they actually are

The easiest of all of these (not that any are easy), may actually be a blessing : No dog allowed? No dog = An excuse to escape! :sneaky: In two ways. If you bring the dog, you have an opportunity each and every single hour to escape the family-drama to go out to the dog in the car and go for a walk. Or, if crated for special needs / not ambulatory, to go out for loving on & checking food water etc. If you don't bring the dog than 1 or both of you has an excuse to show up for specific times -instead of open ended visits-, and to return home at night.

The other "easy" one has already been sorted... You don't have to bring anyone home to the apt., because that's why the house was rented. It's "just" practicing how to smile and say no. ;) Assuming people ask to see your home. Oh, no, sorry. That's why we rented this place, our home isn't set up for visitors right now. // Oh, thanks, no... I appreciate the offer, but I can get home on my own. // Nope, let's keep things here. // No, nope, nah, no thanks, nyet, nein, thanks anyway, another time perhaps, next visit maybe, now isn't a good time, no.

The rest of these range from moderate to really, really big issues. The impending visit has highlighted them... But they existed before, and will continue to exist after.

 

[seedling]

You are aware of the poor treatment your wife gets from her mother. Your wife, though, continues to reach out to her mother in hope of support even though her mother has told her it's not going to happen. She continues to look for support there, at the same time pushing away the support that you are truly willing to give (and continue to offer to her).

Take good care of your animals and maybe your wife will see that there's an opportunity for her to get the same kind of TLC.

All the best.

 

[Bookoffee]

They will be here shortly. My wife is at work. I am full of anger and really hating who I am. I don't want any part of this but I can't bare the thought of my wife facing them alone.

I feel as though I can't go on with life. There no meaning for my exsement. I was conceived out of betrayal and was punished the entire time of my life. I keep wondering when the end will come and the deepest darkest comes back and takes over me.

 

[The Albatross]

Bring yourself back around to "I can't bare the thought of my wife facing them alone"... and put your best foot forward. Try to do what is helpful and supporting of your spouse and both of your mutual needs and leave them to the rest. This too will pass. Allow yourself to withdraw and take a break if it means the difference between keeping it together or losing it.

 

[Bookoffee]

I just talked with my wife. We have completely lost each other. Our marriage is as fake as my life. She wants me to leave her alone and for me to figure out how to calm down and face this.

I wanted to hear her voice over love but she wouldn't believe me and told me that I am only freaking out and I need to pull my shit together and let her do her own thing.

The thought of a gun to my head is more relaxing than the thought of dealing with this day

 

[seedling]

Can you excuse yourself and spend time with your animals, take a walk? Anything that you know would be helpful to you?

I'm sorry she doesn't want to let you in. I'm sorry she doesn't have more support for you.

You are not fake. There is no "only" about freaking out, there's no shame in feeling as you do. If she leaves it up to you to "face it," she will have to accept the actions you take to face it in your own way. Take care of yourself, small steps.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. I think I'd likely withdraw from the entire scenario based on the spouse's piling it on rather than partnering. But that's sort of who I am... leave it to her to face them herself and take good care of yourself as you need to. This whole thing snowballed... and I think I'd table my birthday til next month.

 

[Bookoffee]

Yesterday was difficult. I was separated from myself all day and my wife could tell. She felt like she had to excuse my behavior and explain about my medication.

We went to a small pub for dinner then went to food shopping for the week.

I can't remember anything after that. I don't even remember waking up this morning.

We went to their house for breakfast than run my dog at the beach. The family is out side of New England in the middle of now where and oil factors that have been shut down. No lakes or water around them without traveling a full day to get there.

While we were making plans over breakfast, we were trying to figure out transportation. They have known for a while that works still needs to be done on the only car we have. They didn't make any arrangements for us to all travel together. Her brother yelled at her about the transportation and her parents tried to calm him down and told my wife she was overacting.

I wanted to stab her brother and her mother. I could not believe how awful they had treated her. I wanted to run after her but I knew she needed her time to calm down.

Her mother was completely unreal. I am still fuming over the way they treated her.

We spent the day in our car with them following behind in their car.

As we drove past all of our spots and landmarks that has interesting history, we would point to them through the window and yell in the car what we were pointing at as they trailed three cars behind us.

We took them the ocean and they saw a sand dollar for the first time. They felt the coldness and sinking feeling of the ocean moving below your feet. That is only the dog beach, they haven't been to the forts and light houses.

We went through the city in separate cars to all the shops they have always heard about and go.

We go back to their rental and we had a lobster boil. Their first fresh out of the sea lobster. I was enjoying their reactions being introduced to something new and amazing.

I had to use my cane today to get around. I can't afford physical therapy for my knees. I have a blood disorder that has stopped the blood to go to my knees. The tissue and bone are dying.

As I am enjoying the moment with everyone, her brother's girlfriend started to compare her sprained ankle to my knee.

She almost couldn't finish the last two weeks of college because it was to hard to walk around the campus. She complained to her mother and she was claiming that her insurance paid for a knee scooter for her and how I should do it.

I explained that my insurance wouldn't approve one. She continued on about how much it hurt and had to show me how her knee was now rough from moving around campus with it. I wanted to stick her with my fork.

It just continued to get worse. It was watching a mother with her grown son still suckling. It was disgusting.

My wife and I came closer together. We enjoyed our time alone in our shitty car shaking our heads over the ignorance and trying to keep the fire burn inside.

When we left, they told her they would pick her up sometime at 11. She had changed her work hours so they could be together. I couldn't get the time off.

We are just going to go on with our daily routines and deal with them as they come.

The best part of the day, I felt a small connection with my wife. It was so refreshing and beautiful.

 

[The Albatross]

Glad you got through it and felt partnered, you really went above and beyond in my opinion.