General In The Beginning....

[A13]

This week I'd been struggling with my sufferer pushing me away, I had done a lot of reading!
I noticed Pattern.. each of us described all out relationships When we first met as 'the most incredible' 'soulmate' 'perfect' 'magical' relationship that we had ever experienced....

Which lead me to think... is it coincidence, do all relationships start like that? (In my experience no)
Or is it just a kind of 'incredible' relationship you need to be in to be a supporter in the first place. I have read so many threads just for me to relate. When I noticed that almost each supporter described their relationship in very similar ways! Are we just proud of being in love with our sufferers. Or Do you really think it's a special kind of relationship??

Just a thought....

 

[A13]

I'm sorry my phone autocorrected my title. I'd appreciate it if any of you lovely administrators could correct to 'in the beginning'

Thanks

 

[Justmehere]

Many couples experience a natural high of initial attraction, a honeymoon phase of sorts, when people are sometimes attracted the idea of each other, the best versions of each other, and sometimes and idealized perception of the other.

Then time leads to knowing a person better, including their flaws. Happens with and without PTSD in the picture.

There is also the pattern of people with preoccupied attachement patterns and/or people with abandonment fears (both a subset of supporters but not all supporters are this way) tending to feel super attracted to people who may be avoidant in their attachment style and likely to abandon them in some way (not all PTSD sufferers are this way) - thus subconsciously reenacting earlier wounding to try and solve it. That happens too.

 

[Tinyflame]

I saw this earlier, I wondered too.

But then I thought maybe it's unequally represented- that the people who come here feel more strongly or committed about their relationship than those who don't. Or just the nature of the people who come here?

 

[Buttercup]

Funny, each of you are correct in my opinion!

I have that preoccupation subset thing, but also, in my relationship, I've never experienced someone so affectionate and loving who I also felt amazing chemistry and attraction. He was so attentive and into me and I felt the same way. Calling and texting every day, going out of his way to see me. I felt very confident in myself and the relationship.

Then the pulling away started. I do think all relationships start out with that honeymoon phase. At least that's been my experience. But this one was different for me. I really felt a strong connection and that "soulmate" attraction.

@Junebug, I agree with you too. The people who come here must be more intent on supporting, finding answers, and making the relationship work.

 

[feetfirst]

I too have thought about this exact topic. Multiple times I've considered creating a thread. There does seem to be a stereotype of the typical Sufferer/Supporter of PTSD relationship. It's a topic I'd love to explore further, especially in terms of attachment styles and how to work toward a secure attachment relationship when PTSD is included in the mix.

 

[Newtoptsd]

This thread has really made me think .... it's been four months, the first month was a dream and now we're in the fourth we are no longer together!!

I think the inherent nature is that for a glimour of time our sufferers feel that they might be able to do it - they've found someone amazing and they hold onto it so tight that when PTSD rears its head they let go so quickly. Too afraid, too much to handle, too much stress, can they really allow themselves to drag someone into their ups and downs and highs and lows. This is me taking a stab in the dark here!! From then on they push and pull, one day then can, the next they can't.

I'm now in a stage of worry as my sufferer contacts me when he needs me, when he's hungover and in a bad place and I don't have the balls to say no because I care too much. Even though I know he won't commit to taking things day by day anymore, even though I know he's messaging a girl he met the night that gave him the hangover while I'm nursing him, even though I know there's no hope of a relationship in the near future. I do it because I care and because he needs to see people don't just up and leave.

So yes it's gone from 100 to 1 in the space of a few months :(

 

[Buttercup]

Good point @Newtoptsd (also good description...100 to 1 in a few months!).

My guy was very excited about finding me and our prospects. To the point that I thought he was moving a bit too fast.

Then stress...to include me when I would get concerned about something and add to the stress...started the distancing and he thought he couldn't do it. Then the back and forth and shutting me out started.

When the shutting out starts, that triggers my anxiety and preoccupation and I have to fight against constant texting and calling. It's exhausting, really.

But the good news is it has helped me to see my relationship style and the work I need to do on me to be in any relationship.

It would be great to know if there is anything out there that speaks to this specific relationship dynamic. I'll look around.

 

[Buttercup]

I too have thought about this exact topic. Multiple times I've considered creating a thread. There...

I like that...working toward a secure attachment relationship. Just gotta get him on board with me! :)

 

[feetfirst]

I like that...working toward a secure attachment relationship. Just gotta get him on board with me! :)[/QUO...

Yeah, that's the tricky part...

 

[Sweetpea76]

There is a reason why it's called the "honeymoon phase". I don't think it's specific to PTSD relationships. I think that after a few months people start to relax and be real.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think they say the honeymoon phase is 18-24 months or less for most, a very few 1 or 2% it lasts a lifetime (my parents were like that).

I think the inherent nature is that for a glimour of time our sufferers feel that they might be able to do it - they've found someone amazing and they hold onto it so tight that when PTSD rears its head they let go so quickly. Too afraid, too much to handle, too much stress, can they really allow themselves to drag someone into their ups and downs and highs and lows. This is me taking a stab in the dark here!! From then on they push and pull, one day then can, the next they can't.

Yes. Or 'shouldn't ", for the sake of the other.