• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Increasing focus and work time while depressed and in a bad place

It's not mount Everest, but I am kinda proud to be honest. I've been at a VERY low point. Still am. The depression eats at me. But I am still 50/50 close to eviction and need to work.

About 10 days or a week ago, there were days stuck inside my head when I couldn't work no matter what was happening. There was the lack of motivation and will to do anything, the lack of resources (less and less food), the tough life choices to make that were draining (frugality, moving, giving up things, creative cooking, free stuff), the guilt at any hour I lost to depression and the nausea at the pressure when I had to work or apply for work. Trying to figure my life out. I was dealing with a lot and still am.

But at the time I lost days, and when I did work I could barely concentrate 15min at a time and needed a break and barely strung a few hours of work.
Slowly kept pushing myself more and more every day, then I would give up again because I wasn't used to it.

Last few days I had to push paying rent for a last time. To make the deadline I've had to work morning til evening many days in a row. I go to bed later and later. I was shaking like a leaf at my prospects the first days. My back sciatica got bad again. My depression kept wanting me to stop.
I kept pushing and making a choice to tell myself that I can do more. That I need to finish more that day.
My focus has now increased to often working for 90min without stopping and then a break, and managing 8 to 10 hours per day daily. I've not managed to push myself this much while feeling so low, AND being in such a bad situation legitimately, EVER.
So I am proud.

I have no idea of how things turn out.
I am still behind on deadline I have to finish in less than 24h from now, my back hurts, not just from injury, but because it got used to me laying all day depressed. Everything hurts, from going from no work to this in this time period. BUT I am still pushing to finish.
So I am proud.
 
i don't much like sugar-coating my struggles, but i have found great strength in the positive affirmation of accentuating the positive. yes, i still have all those gnarly problems, but somehow it all works out. just keep on doing your honest best with what you have to work with.

for what it's worth
the math still doesn't add up on how i survived my startup years. loaves and fishes?
somehow it all keeps working out.
 
I have occasional back pains and daily walks and just raising to stand up between sitting periods have really helped me with it
That works for the back pain from depression layng down... but sciatica.... shoots like electricity from my lower back through my left hip all the way to my ankle if it gets bad. And then literal sitting and literal walking are the most painful things ever. Any other exercise, and sitting at a 45 degree angle (propped on pillow on couch for example) are the only tolerable options.
It was so back that I only got through 2020 on painmeds so I'm lucky I don't get addicted and I'm not super sensitive.
Also lucky that my sciatica now is still only until my hip, so I think after few workouts it will get back to normal, it's happened before.
just keep on doing your honest best with what you have to work with.
I'm starting to learn that. As a perfectionist it's always been either or. Either you're depressed, inactive therefore ruining your life OR you are better, productive to the max and therefor at your best. I'm just now learning that pushing through depression and being productive anyway can be my best at the time and should be celebrated and repeated if needed, not be ashamed of.
somehow it all keeps working out.
Thank you for that. I avoided a big personal storm, biggest in a while, but I have a month to prevent another one.
So I have to somehow have faith, which is a hard concept for me- but possibly needed right now.
 
Back
Top