SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
It's not mount Everest, but I am kinda proud to be honest. I've been at a VERY low point. Still am. The depression eats at me. But I am still 50/50 close to eviction and need to work.
About 10 days or a week ago, there were days stuck inside my head when I couldn't work no matter what was happening. There was the lack of motivation and will to do anything, the lack of resources (less and less food), the tough life choices to make that were draining (frugality, moving, giving up things, creative cooking, free stuff), the guilt at any hour I lost to depression and the nausea at the pressure when I had to work or apply for work. Trying to figure my life out. I was dealing with a lot and still am.
But at the time I lost days, and when I did work I could barely concentrate 15min at a time and needed a break and barely strung a few hours of work.
Slowly kept pushing myself more and more every day, then I would give up again because I wasn't used to it.
Last few days I had to push paying rent for a last time. To make the deadline I've had to work morning til evening many days in a row. I go to bed later and later. I was shaking like a leaf at my prospects the first days. My back sciatica got bad again. My depression kept wanting me to stop.
I kept pushing and making a choice to tell myself that I can do more. That I need to finish more that day.
My focus has now increased to often working for 90min without stopping and then a break, and managing 8 to 10 hours per day daily. I've not managed to push myself this much while feeling so low, AND being in such a bad situation legitimately, EVER.
So I am proud.
I have no idea of how things turn out.
I am still behind on deadline I have to finish in less than 24h from now, my back hurts, not just from injury, but because it got used to me laying all day depressed. Everything hurts, from going from no work to this in this time period. BUT I am still pushing to finish.
So I am proud.
About 10 days or a week ago, there were days stuck inside my head when I couldn't work no matter what was happening. There was the lack of motivation and will to do anything, the lack of resources (less and less food), the tough life choices to make that were draining (frugality, moving, giving up things, creative cooking, free stuff), the guilt at any hour I lost to depression and the nausea at the pressure when I had to work or apply for work. Trying to figure my life out. I was dealing with a lot and still am.
But at the time I lost days, and when I did work I could barely concentrate 15min at a time and needed a break and barely strung a few hours of work.
Slowly kept pushing myself more and more every day, then I would give up again because I wasn't used to it.
Last few days I had to push paying rent for a last time. To make the deadline I've had to work morning til evening many days in a row. I go to bed later and later. I was shaking like a leaf at my prospects the first days. My back sciatica got bad again. My depression kept wanting me to stop.
I kept pushing and making a choice to tell myself that I can do more. That I need to finish more that day.
My focus has now increased to often working for 90min without stopping and then a break, and managing 8 to 10 hours per day daily. I've not managed to push myself this much while feeling so low, AND being in such a bad situation legitimately, EVER.
So I am proud.
I have no idea of how things turn out.
I am still behind on deadline I have to finish in less than 24h from now, my back hurts, not just from injury, but because it got used to me laying all day depressed. Everything hurts, from going from no work to this in this time period. BUT I am still pushing to finish.
So I am proud.
