Inquiry About "Episodes"

[Dylan]

Hello again,

I was reading through posts and read one about "episodes". I would
like to know if others go through these? By "episode" I mean a spin out...becoming extremely symptomatic again, unable to get a grip on it, etc.

Recently, reviewing my life in light of this dx, I realize that episodes have been a pattern - although each time it happened always seemed like some freak accident happening to me - I certainly didn't see a pattern then. Now, in attempting to integrate the dx of CPTSD, it does make more sense.

-Are episodes inevitable?
-Are they internally driven, or does some external stimulus act as a catalyst?
-Have you learned at what level of stress you can operate without triggering an episode?
-Have you acquired, in your toolbox, methods to prevent or circumvent an episode?
-If you do get caught up in the tornado, what is your "secret weapon"? When all else fails, what do you keep in your arsenal? Basically, what is your EMP blast?
-And, lastly, do you find that PTSD is more like a condition (rather like diabetes) that will always need to be taken into account?

Thanks,
Dylan

 

[lilred924]

episodes

I have found that I just never know. There are brief times that I feel fine, but then out of nowhere I get heat up the back of my neck and down my arms. It is very scary. I have no idea what triggers it and have been trying to place it for some time. I wish I could answer your questions in full but I have the same questions. I want to feel normal and not worry about it and be able to go to sleep at night without worrying about my health or other things around me. I know that excersing helps and keeping my mind busy with other things. I think so often we focus on it that it causes us a problem when if we were just moving forward to do normal everyday things it wouldn't happen. I've noticed when I'm focused on work or something of that sort that I feel good. Could it be phsycomatic??

 

[Dylan]

Hi Lilred,

RE: I've noticed when I'm focused on work or something of that sort that I feel good. Could it be phsycomatic??

I'm sure it could be a body-memory, or body-stress manifesting. Physical symptoms can definitely be disconcerting...like my body is going off in a crazy direction that has nothing to do with what's real/present....I guess that would be, what? A body flashback maybe??

I, too, have found that trick of getting my mind on other things. I told my counselor, "It's not that I just love math so much, I just have focused on it because it....makes my brain feel better." I didn't know how else to word it, but she understood, and explained to me that really working a different part of the brain gives the ramped-up parts a break. So, intuitively, I seemed to have leaned toward behaviors that help, already -- like what you're saying works for you.

I love going on long, hard hikes, not only because I feel safe and more connected when in nature, but I also come down the mountain relaxed and calmer, having burned off all that excess dopamine and norepinephrine (hyper arousal chemistry) and boosting my serotonin (calming, reassuring chemistry).

-Dylan

 

[lilred924]

I'm sure flashbacks can be very disconcerting. I've known people that have had violent flashbacks and it's even scary to watch. They are very real and I have no idea what triggers them at all because I have delt with only the panic attacks and anxiety issues, like the heat and tingling up my back and neck and in my jaw, and down my arms.

I suppose it's true what they say about exercise, it really is good for EVERYTHING body and mind. It is hard sometimes to get up the strength/motivation to exercise for me because I'm just feeling down or want quiet. Which is strange for me because I'm a person that really works out and also has been very social most of life until now. I lost about 70 pounds, went from a 16 to a 6 and haven't seen the inside of the gym now for about three months +. I'm trying very hard to get back in there and get moving, if I could just get over the hurdle of getting in the door I know I would keep going. You would think I would being so scared about my health right now. Seems everyday something else tinglings, gets numb or hurts.

I like the idea of hiking. I have started walking some when I get home with my dog (whom I always love her company). I used to spend a lot of time in the woods hiking, camping etc. You have just given me a good idea. She could do that with me too and exercise is great for her as well.

 

[Brella]

Wow Dylan, you caught my attention there (touche). 'Episodes' is the word I use for them too. I seem to be through the worst of the latest bout - it kinda went like this...

I never really cried about much all through my awful childhood until now. I got triggered by too much interaction with my mom, then boom! Every 3-4 days I'd completely lose it. Like I had 30 years of non-crying to make up for. Each 'episode' would only last about 1/2 hour but it seemed like it would never stop. It would hit when I was home by myself and I'd feel totally exhausted just before it started.

I was so worried because I really thought I was unravelling and that this 'was finally it' - the point where I was no longer coping and my life would fall apart. But my therapist encouraged me to ride them out, without scaring myself by thinking they would never end. Now that I'm through the worst of them (so I think) I describe them like a pressure cooker blowing off steam every so often.

I can't tell from your post if your episodes are interfering with the rest of your life or not. Mine would 'conveniently' end just before I *had* to be somewhere.

Brella :Hug_emoticon:

 

[BassistKara]

I'm not really sure how to word my answer your question Dylan, so i hope this makes some kind of sense!
I've kind of learnt to recognise things that trigger me, and then i can say to myself "oh yeh, that caused it blah blah blah".
Othertimes i can cope extremely well with something that may or may not have triggered me off before.
Then othertimes, which have been happening more often recently, i for some unknown reason completely lose what little coping with life skills i had, and are just a blubbering mess! In my episodes it's like every little thing triggers me off, i can't watch tv because the news is full of different abuse based stories, and even plots for tv shows are the same. I can't even stand talking to anyone, even if they're one of the few people i really like being around. I just want to stay in bed and cry and disappear from the world and only come back after all my issues go away!
The only things that can only sometimes help me out is cutting(not the best i know, but i'm working on it.) and writing and listening too music and singing at the top of my lungs, which in fact doesn't hurt your throat as much as screaming, which can only be a good thing!

 

[Dylan]

Thanks so much for posting!

What you said, Brella, "I really thought I was unravelling and that this 'was finally it' - the point where I was no longer coping and my life would fall apart" could be, nearly verbatim, from my own journal. I have experienced this fear many times, but it's like this strange amnesia; when it happened it was always as if it was for the first time. I wouldn't remember the last time, so it was always new, always inspired such fear. Now, with really trying to integrate the dx, I'm hoping I won't "forget" and can recognize, "Oh, yes, this is just a spin...it's not the end of the world, or me."

This is exactly how I am feeling right now (from BassistKara): "I just want to stay in bed and cry and disappear from the world and only come back after all my issues go away!" I actually nearly called in to work today to LIE and say that my mother was in the hospital so I could take a few days off.

I relate to the cutting, as well. I was so proud, though, that I hadn't cut in about THIRTEEN YEARS. In this last episode, which went on for about 4 months, I ended up resorting to cutting which I am very disappointed about.

Thanks very much for your responses. I didn't realize how alone I was feeling until I related so strongly to your posts. I'm so very grateful for this forum...I just wish it were in-person!

-Dylan

 

[texaskitty]

Cutting is a problem for me as well. I didn't start until my early 40s which makes me different than most people. I go through cycles with it. Its sort of my last resort coping mechanism.

The scars are embarassing, but there they are, mute testimony to the pain.

I hope someday to not have to resort to self injury to copy.

TexasKitty