Insight From Ptsd "sufferer" Needed. Is She Ever Coming Back?

[GrapplingGrief]

Hi there,

I was wondering if anyone can give me some insight perhaps into what my ex is saying or not saying. We are still in contact because we train at the same gym in a specific sport where it's difficult to find a new high level training facility. Regardless, I don't wish to go "no contact" anymore. I still love her and she has admitted in a "troubled" hush tone that she still loves me. I drive her home, our former home, from the gym on the days I am there, and it is normal when we don't talk about anything pertaining to us. I foolishly use this opportunity to sometimes try and open up a dialogue about us because it's the only time she will talk to me (she doesn't text or email me anymore). I KNOW she is isolating and dealing with what I can only guess as the fallout from telling me details of her abuse before she was ready over three months ago.

She tells me not to wait for her; that she can't give me any guarantees; that she is working on the reasons we had a "falling out" (her words), and that I'm not making it any "easier" by talking about us. I love her. I'm trying my best to give her the space she wants (I even moved out to help her but then she ended things) but I'm obviously hoping we can one day try again. I've asked her if she is done for good and that it's okay if she is, and that I'll just leave the sport and move on so neither of us is "uncomfortable" (her words) and that I don't have to be hurt seeing her move on. She just stays silent. I don't know if she just can't say she's done, if she's still too triggered to think about this, or if she just needs more time.

I know there are no guarantees in life. I can't help but be loving to her for the sake of just being loving. I bought her a toaster because I knew she hasn't bothered to get one. If she doesn't want a future with me anymore, why does she accept rides home? Does she just want a ride home or is she trying to keep connected but at a safe distance? I do things like this to make her life easier. That's all. Am I just being foolish? Is she ever coming back (or can I ever go home again)? I'm going to try and give her 2 months of not talking about us. I have no idea what that will do. Thanks for any insight.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Hey, fellow supporter here.

As far as I'm concerned, here's how I'm interpreting it; she revealed something she wasn't ready to, and, as a result, recoiled away from it because she's batshit terrified and unsure how to handle the situation involving her trauma. Honestly, this is a normal reaction to stress in general, inhibited even in those who don't have PTSD: something stressful looming over you? Approaching due date? Nope, completely disregard its existence until the panic monster appears at the last minute and forces you to do it. Now take that feeling and increase it by fifty notches. I'm sure that it's different for a lot of PTSD sufferers, and the symptoms vary, but essentially, it is highly possible that she is still recovering from the situation, and being subjected to anything or anyone involving the stressful situation, even if it's just a very slight mention of it, is bound to bring a lot of negative feelings rushing in.

When she tells you not to wait on her and to move on, this is probably her way of telling you that she is still extremely shaken by long-term stress, and your (and probably others') expectations and pressuring for a clear answer on whether she'll "come back or not" is most likely agitating her. I think this goes without saying for probably everyone: not knowing the answer, and being constantly asked over and over "What's the answer?" and they don't accept "I don't know", is very stressful. It's stressful for me, anyway. Might not be the case for everyone, but still.

I know that you must be very, very heartbroken at the fact that you're away from her and that you still love her. Honestly, your idea of just giving her 2 months to not talk about your relationship might be the best. Right now, it's obvious that she seems to want your support, but more in the sense of keeping the stress off of her mind. Personally, I would reassure to her that you are not expecting anything out of her and that you understand that she is struggling, but that's what my sufferer likes to hear when she's feeling like this.

Meanwhile, remember not to get too codependant on her. Love her, but know that it is possible you won't get back together. Offer her kindness, but don't forget to take care of yourself and reach out to other people around you too. Branching yourself out and making sure that you have other people to talk to and relax with will help you during all this, I'm sure :)

 

[GrapplingGrief]

Hey, fellow supporter here.

As far as I'm concerned, here's how I'm interpreting it; she rev...

thank you so much for your honest and heartfelt response. I know you're right and I say the same things to myself. It's just nicer hearing it confirmed from someone else too. This forum is great because it keeps me from bringing these questions to her. Thank you so much.

 

[EveHarrington]

I doubt she just wants a ride home. I mean there were deep feelings between the two of you. I am guessing that she still cares and wants you in her life, but she is unable to handle anything more at this point.

What are your needs? Please remember that your needs are important too!

 

[GrapplingGrief]

I doubt she just wants a ride home. I mean there were deep feelings between the two of you. I am g...

I really hope she still cares. It's hard to tell sometimes. I just love her so much so I act the only way I know how to which is love her and support her so I spontaneously do things like get the poor girl a toaster because she can't muster up the will to go to the store (but she'll drag herself to the gym but I get it), or drive her home which costs me a whole extra 15 mins of my life. Big deal. I love her.

What do I need? A cuddle. What I miss most is her laying on my chest and just talking to me. When that person disappeared after we moved in together, I knew something was wrong. But she insisted that nothing was wrong and it just spiraled out of control. Her greetings when she came home became hollow. I think right now she's going through some trauma anniversary. This is when she must have decided last year to end her marriage. They've been separated since then (you have to be separated a year before filing) and I really really hope she can find the strength to get that paperwork done and free herself of that monster. I even said I would pay for it if money was tight.

I've come to realize that all we need in life is what she called a snug. A long hug. That's all we need as humans. I miss her snugs in the morning. That's when she used to come back to me for at least those first few minutes in the day.

 

[mary1979]

Its a tough one.

In my worst states I usually dont even know what it is I need.

I do the whole, come here, go away routine for months.

I desire comfort so I look for it, then I get it, and become afraid of what it may mean.

I'm incredibly independent physically but ridiculously co dependant emotionally.

If you can hang in there, give her some more time. Remain there for her.
But no one would blame you for quitting either, this is a tough gig.

 

[hangingon]

She may want your love and arms length attention without the stress and idiosyncracies that go into a full blown relationship.
Its difficult to guage by what she says or doesn't say because often people with or without ptsd avoid hurting someone we care about and do not plainly say exactly what we mean in a break up. Or she may want to avoid seeing you hurt or she may not want you completely out of her life but cannot handle a relationship. If there's one thing I have learned in life and in relationships it is that you cannot go by what things may be like in the future or possibilities of what could be. You can only deal with what is happening right now today. Things can change but you dont have sole control over that. So are you able to be satisfied with how things are right now today? Because thats what you have with no promises of better or worse. If you feel its not enough you can explain that to her and be prepared for the result. If you would rather be a ride home friend than nothing and are happy with that then continue without pressing.

 

[GrapplingGrief]

It's been almost like breaking up all over again. I realized she wasn't coming back after she finally wrote an email at least touching upon all that's happened for the first time. I now know there is no coming back. You would think that through all your efforts and attempts to show the person that you will go down this road with them and never give up, that they would see this as an inherently positive thing but they don't. I started thinking about my own sanity and asked her to either leave the gym (which I joined to be away from her and then she joined a month later), or let me at least take one of the dogs on the weekend since she wasn't going to spend much time with them anyway having talked about getting a second job. I explained that I deserved at least ONE act of kindness after all I've done for her to help me either transition to being a friend or giving me the space to heal and grieve. But I realize that she's just being selfish at this point. She has no compassion for me and I've never felt more used and discarded in my entire life. I've already left our home for her and I may have to leave the gym too now or quit the sport entirely. I just can't fathom how selfish she can be. She's a complete stranger to me now. I feel like I've been duped or conned. I've lost so much.

 

[Devastated 31]

It's been almost like breaking up all over again. I realized she wasn't coming back after she fin...

God I I think our lives are the same except it's my boyfriend devastating beyond belief