Insight: I'd Rather Be Hopeless Than Sad

[Chava]

It seems I'm moving beyond fits of panic and more into fits of hopelessness. But they come shortly after I am feeling sad or dejected and since I can't manage those feelings well at all, I morph unwittingly into hopelessness. And then I can numb out and not care. So this is a pattern I noticed. The key would be not giving up for long (giving up on connecting with any humans...I just don't think I have anything to offer and nobody likes me....and I'll always have to get by all by myself with nobody I can count on...all that b.s.).

Hopelessness is like the worst thing...so interesting I go there as a way to give up and numb out. For me, sadness is the worst. And so, I have to practice being sad in manageable pieces.

Anyone experience anything similar? How our potentially worst feelings of resignation let us shut down and end any potential flood or overwhelm by more vulnerable feelings? I also find myself stuck in survival mode very often, and I can't be bothered with relationships. I sabatoge relationships from every angle because I never want to feel sad, rejected, or any of that. I will crumble. Every little rejection, neglect or forgetting about me that shouldn't matter forms into a mountainous pile reminding me that I am subhuman and can only be friends with rocks. But now I'm getting off track....

 

[darrenS]

I can relate almost word for word - and then i see a stop light - and i grasp any opportunity to try and crawl out of it - I hate every part of it , but it always comes back to visit

 

[Fadeaway]

Hope is the worst thing. Actually unfulfilled hope. Being let down when you made the mistake of hoping. Not allowing myself to hope is easier. Yes, lack of hope helps lead to indifference. It is a form of protection. If you don't hope, you can't be let down.

 

[Whirlwind]

I can relate. Its how I am feeling anymore. I used to get anxious and bottled everything up but pushed through life with some ferocity my past was there but it didn't haunt me.

that felt far better than my current apathy, this sadness and bouts of ....disinterest in everything. I have picked a goal ...something to look forward to and I realized today that I can't enjoy even the idea as it seems so many times my hopes are dashed. I've been let down so often I am not sure I can rally anymore.

Sorry I can't offer anything other than commiseration.

 

[Chava]

@Whirlwind I like the idea of picking a goal (sorry if things didn't work out with the one you picked). It sort of reminds me of my trying to do some sort of yoga, Pilates, or gentle strengthening every day. Maybe a year from now it will all seem meaningless. But I'm trying not to think so much of results, but just stick to it because it does make me feel a little better, even on an otherwise crappy day. It's maybe not hope but a sort of faith in this kind of stuff to help me along, and I can keep that without having to rely on others or external events. I maybe need more stuff like that, but then it could also become really comfortable to isolate myself.

It's hard to know what is being hopeless and what is just accepting myself and the world as it is sometimes (like I don't understand what can change or what can't change). It's probably supposed to be some mix of both and I'm not tolerating it well. But I do not like apathy too much...I can handle it if I still stick with a couple things I personally enjoy and just take a vacation from everything else, to the extent I can.