washedawayyears
New Here
Hi,
I moved to a new state a year ago. Before I moved I was receiving twice weekly therapy. I let it lapse for a year because I was exhausted from therapy - I was having multiple flashbacks and disassociating (let’s just say the one, singular, time we tried EMDR was a disaster) during sessions and just needed time out (I’d also been seeing B from 2011-2016, so the thought of starting therapy over was devastating).
Well, I’m back in therapy again because things are spinning out of control. I am really struggling with my complex trauma. My panic attacks are waking me from sleep, I’m zoning out more often (my roommate calls it me being a space cadet), I’m disassociating when I’m alone again. It’s inevitable that this will happen in therapy, and soon. I’m not even stable enough to do trauma work right now as I completely shut down and lock up when anything that isn’t the immediate here and now (I.e. I was able to talk about my acutely sick cat. I wasn’t able to talk about my terror that I’m going to lose her, for example). I could only talk about what is acutely stressing me out right now. Breathing exercises and grounding techniques often backfire spectacularly when I do them alone at home (In addition to complex trauma, I’m autistic and physically disabled and unable to work. Meaning I’m home alone a lot).
I’m just so frustrated with what my life has become and I’m hoping that I can find support here. My next session with my therapist will be my sixth and I feel like we’re going to be okay and work well together...I’m just currently dreading the inevitable soon to come flashback or panic attack in therapy because I don’t know how my current therapist will react (and since it’s not “here and now”, I lock up if I want to ask about it!)
Anyway, this was really hecking long. Sorry. As a result of locking up and struggling to talk, I talk a lot when I write.
I moved to a new state a year ago. Before I moved I was receiving twice weekly therapy. I let it lapse for a year because I was exhausted from therapy - I was having multiple flashbacks and disassociating (let’s just say the one, singular, time we tried EMDR was a disaster) during sessions and just needed time out (I’d also been seeing B from 2011-2016, so the thought of starting therapy over was devastating).
Well, I’m back in therapy again because things are spinning out of control. I am really struggling with my complex trauma. My panic attacks are waking me from sleep, I’m zoning out more often (my roommate calls it me being a space cadet), I’m disassociating when I’m alone again. It’s inevitable that this will happen in therapy, and soon. I’m not even stable enough to do trauma work right now as I completely shut down and lock up when anything that isn’t the immediate here and now (I.e. I was able to talk about my acutely sick cat. I wasn’t able to talk about my terror that I’m going to lose her, for example). I could only talk about what is acutely stressing me out right now. Breathing exercises and grounding techniques often backfire spectacularly when I do them alone at home (In addition to complex trauma, I’m autistic and physically disabled and unable to work. Meaning I’m home alone a lot).
I’m just so frustrated with what my life has become and I’m hoping that I can find support here. My next session with my therapist will be my sixth and I feel like we’re going to be okay and work well together...I’m just currently dreading the inevitable soon to come flashback or panic attack in therapy because I don’t know how my current therapist will react (and since it’s not “here and now”, I lock up if I want to ask about it!)
Anyway, this was really hecking long. Sorry. As a result of locking up and struggling to talk, I talk a lot when I write.
