Introduction, Trafficked Child

[Mercy]

I am diagnosed with PTSD and DID. My earliest rape, when I was a baby. They ruptured my uterus and made two unguial hernia incisions to sew my uterus down the middle. This was documented by a gynocological surgeon. Her pathology report recorded this after I had a total hysterectomy at the age of 26.

My mother was Bipolar and violent when manic. She tried to kill me at least three times after which she was institutionalized for many months, sometimes years. She was also emotionally abusive. But sometimes she reminded me of a deer caught by the headlights of a truck.

I was trafficked as a child during the times my mother was institutionalized.

I didn't remember anything of this but I had always had some strange reaction to things. I went into therapy 20 years ago beginning with Art Therapy and gradually went to talk therapy. I took some time out but was badly triggered by Abu Grab and needed to find a really experienced PTSD Therapist.

I have worked with the DID and I am not 'integrated'. To the best of my knowledge, I am co-conscious. My system consists of children who had been frozen in time, and a doorkeeper so that the appropriate child would be present for events that required her particular experience, eg. child bride. I have a Pollyanna type child who grew into adulthood. She was the part that went to school, church, the store. She also held a mountain of denial. You know the type. My name is Cleopatra, Queen of de Nile.

Thanks for listening. It will be good for me to be on this part of the forum. I'm guessing we all have a lot in common

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Mercy, and welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you had a dreadful childhood, But I guess the most important thing is that you survived it, and are here to tell your tale. You must be a very strong person.

I am afraid I am not familiar with Abu Grab. Here I show my ignorance, - is this an event, a place or a person?

I find DID fascinating. I have not been diagnosed with it, but my T gave me 'Stranger In the Mirror' to read, and I certainly relate to many of the difficulties. I know there are many who disregard the diagnosis, or question its validity, but I for one believe in it 100%.

Anyway, I hope you find comfort and support on this forum. Take your time and read it as you are comfortable to do so.

Regards
Lucy x

 

[CarrotHead]

Abu Grab may be mispelled, but it is the torture camp we Americans held some of our terror suspects in. There is a facinating albeit, very triggering documentary on it.
It is spelled Abu Ghraib.

 

[Lucycat]

Ahh, Thank you Web Vixen.

 

[Mercy]

Thanks for the spelling correction. I wasn't ever a good speller.

The reason I was so badly affected was because from my experiences what they were doing, aside from water boarding wasn't much. I listened to Sen Macain about what constitutes torture and what the Geneva Convention said about proper treatment for prisoners of war and it sounded so much better than what I knew.

I was also triggered because it was American service men and women and my abusers were Americans too. I had hoped so hard that the kind of abuse and misuse of power had stopped. I haven't really faced up to my torture other than to narrate two instances when what happened was clearly torture.

 

[CarrotHead]

I remember hearing other peoples traumas in inpatient or rehab before and thinking, "My God, if they are such a mess with that, shouldn't I be utterly decaying?"

Or I would actually trigger because everyone would think my story was so devastating, and it made me mad that I was always the 'example' or pity case in the room.

The fact is there are people who have had it worse and there are people who have had it better, and there are people who have grown up without any trauma at all.

It's kind of like in Africa where whole villages are being slaughtered like animals, including rape and torture, whereas there are more civilized countries that aren't war torn and we don't see this stuff happening.

It's like being born into money or not.

Some of us get it more and some of us get it less.

This is a distraction from doing your work. Triggering on this in my opinion is a distraction.

The reality is, you have your own work to do. It doesn't matter that it is more or less than someone else. It is yours, you own it and it will always be yours. It is what you do with it that counts. You can always seek out worse stories if it is soothing to you, and though it may sound a bit sick, I have to admit that I sometimes do it. But, in the end, your past is still there, waiting for you to deal with it. And what someone else went through won't do a damn bit of your work. It won't effect the process really.

I hope I haven't hurt your feelings. This is something I can definately relate to. Abu Ghraib, serial killers and rapists, sci fi horror movies, apocolyptic movies, these are all things I am drawn to. But it is a distraction.
My perfect world has always been one where only a few people have survived a nuclear holocost or viral epidemic.
I am drawn to the morbid.

I hope you can make some sense out of these ramblings. There is a point but I am not sure that I have been clear.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Hi Mercy , I hope you find some comfort in this forum.

 

[Mercy]

This is a distraction from doing your work. Triggering on this in my opinion is a distraction.

The reality is, you have your own work to do. It doesn't matter that it is more or less than someone else. It is yours, you own it and it will always be yours. .

I can see where you are coming from. I was saying that being triggered by the TV news is what got me back into therapy. Before I had heard about anyone else's experience, I didn't know that this would be a issue for me to deal with. We use measuring language all the time. She is tall. He has big feet. That's not right.

 

[Nyx]

Welcome, mercy. I hope you find the support you need here.

Take care.

 

[Mercy]

Thank you Potter and Nyx for your welcome. I'm still scared but will be here even so.

WebVixen, I forgot to say that pain is pain. There is no reason to use comparisons about pain , fear, or suffering. Each person's pain is more than enough for them.

I sincerely hope that I didn't make anyone minimize their pain by my introduction. I respect the person with one abuse episode just as much as I do a person with many abusive episodes. Pain is pain .

 

[Lionheart]

I am diagnosed with PTSD and DID. I was trafficked as a child ...I'm guessing we all have a lot in common

I am so happy that you are here Mercy!!!:)

I have PTSD and have a fragmented personality (so that I never completely split, but my personality did begin to splinter off into several child-selves); like "tiny' the part of me that had no words for the abuse experiences because I was so young, the 'beserker' that held all my wild rage, the "jester" who was always happy and joking (to hide the truth) and others etc. So I can kinda relate to your DID, although I am considered to be integrated now).

I too was trafficked as a child, but I was knocked out with chloroform for most of it. The one time they tried to traffic me without using chloroform, I got a gun and held my would-be-abuser at gun point until they came and took me home. I wish you could have seen the guys face. lol :bounce:

Anyway, thank you for being here and for sharing your story, you certainly have my support and I encourage you to keep posting.

hugs if you want them....:hug:

lionheart

 

[Mercy]

You bet I appreciate your hugs!![DLMURL="http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/javascript:;"]:bounce:[/DLMURL]

I know about cloroform too. For me, it was mainly used for transportation. I was curled up in a small suitcase and just carried out of my grandparent's house by a 'forgetful' valet.