Irritated By People Who Compare Your Trauma To Their Own Problems

[ams]

Do any of you guys get irritated when you're confiding in someone about a really bad experience, and they compare it to one of their own bad experiences? Instead of just listening to you and offering support or JUST an ear, they immediately talk about their own bad experience, that is not related in any way, and not even remotely similar?

I was talking about rape to someone and how the person lives on my street in my neighborhood, and the they turned it around to talk about how they were robbed and how they handle it and how they know the robbers aren't a threat anymore.

I'm so frustrated and wanting to yell at them. When I get this frustrated, I just shut up altogether and I know I'm going to blow up.

How do you guys handle this??

 

[gdf]

Hi ams,

I don't talk about the incident(s) that led to my PTSD with people in conversations yet but sometimes I will talk in general terms about things that are related and people then talk about their own similar issues or concerns as you noted above. I find myself engaged in a conversation that really isn't about my personal pain but only because I hide it with people outside my therapist's office. At this point in my PTSD experience I am still at the stage of wanting to guard my "secrets" and still feel a certain amount of anxiety when people talk about the latest case of some child being abused or molested.

When you talk to people is it in general terms or do they know it's about your own personal experiences? If they don't know they may be engaging in conversation about general, mundane events instead of connecting to you and your experience. If they do know how personal it is for you, they may not be equipped emotionally to handle what your saying or how to react to it. Our experiences are often intense and difficult for others to handle. Or the other possiblity is that they just may not be very good listeners and really are a little egocentric.

Gina

 

[Monarch]

Could it be that they were trying to give you relatable advice? Such as " I was not raped but when I was robbed it felt like this and this is how I dealt with it." etc.... I think that is ok. Being robbed is a violation as well, I wouldn't say it is the same as rape but there might be some stuff that one could learn on how to cope.

 

[Nicolette]

Instead of just listening to you and offering support or JUST an ear, they immediately talk about their own bad experience, that is not related in any way, and not even remotely similar?

Sometimes, when people don't know the right thing to say they tend to talk about something that was 'bad/traumatic' for them in an attempt to say they are trying to indirectly identify with your pain. This is the only way some know how to let you know they have heard you versus the saying the wrong thing.

I have found it very important that if you are looking for a specific type of support (eg just wanting to be heard and listened to) you need to spell it out before you confide in a person. Then the other person knows they are not obligated to respond as sometimes, no matter how well intentioned, someone will not say what you want them to due to feeling they have to say something in order to let you know they have heard you. Confusing huh? We are rarely taught how to listen to someone - only how to converse.

 

[ams]

gdf - it's about my own personal experiences. He knows my issues, and we were talking about my traumatic stuff. He literally said "I guarantee he's moved on. I know I'm still paranoid thinking the guys who robbed me will come back but I know they won't, and I know that guy won't come back for you" Then he went on talking in detail about him being robbed and comparing that to my stuff. I flat out told him it wasn't the same thing, and he said "It feels the same. I was traumatized by it"

UGH!

And yea, he is a bit egocentric. He builds himself up a lot. He'll say how he doesn't want to brag, BUT and then continues saying how great he is at something. It's good he has confidence, but I'm so frustrated.

Monarch - He was comparing the two. If he came off saying he didn't know what rape is like, but he was traumatized another way, trying to relate to me then I would have been a bit more understanding of that. But he just played down the fact that I'm scared of someone living so close to me when he's already done stuff to me, and said he's sure the guy has moved on by now. He thinks all criminals are the same, and if a robber has moved on and isn't a threat to him anymore, than a stalker/rapist has moved on too.

Nicolette - I've given him links so he can read up on ptsd and so he can learn how to handle this, and it just doesn't seem like he gets it. I guess I shouldn't just talk to him about stuff unless he knows how I'd like him to support me. I don't know how to even communicate that, and I don't know how I'd like someone to support me. I'm used to being on my own with everything like this. Hearing about his traumas, in detail, (violent parts included) doesn't help me. It just throws me back so I start thinking about my own stuff. Then I hear myself screaming in my head "get away from me!" like I just need to turn everything off and go isolate and calm down.

 

[Monarch]

Don't go there with him then, there are people I talk to about my heavy shit and people I don't, he would not be one of them.

 

[ams]

I know there are friends I wouldn't talk to because they would react the same way, but this particular guy is one I started dating, and I'm really considering dumping him now.

Even when it's just friends though, I get so irritated by them and end up writing them off or not talking to them again, because it seems like all the crap I'm going through is the only thing I have anything to say about, so there's not much room for any communication aside from it.