Is Guilt Normal?

[skeenr]

There was a period of quite a few months recently where I had dissociated from everyone. I was getting triggered nearly every couple days. So I started to withdraw from the only two people in my life, my girlfriend and our roommate. My roommate and I constantly were arguing because she was triggering my ptsd, I also have anxiety disorder and am constantly paranoid that people are talking about me behind my back. It just so happens that my roommate vents on tumblr and I followed her blog. Whenever she would say thing about me on there I couldn't accept that she was just venting and didn't mean what she said. We got into a huge argument a couple months ago and now she is afraid of me. I don't know how to fix this when I can't stop getting triggered by small conflict. My girlfriend is pulling away because she doesn't understand or really believe that she should educate herself on my problem to understand what is happening that causes my outburts.

My ptsd was caused by years of emotional abuse at the hands of my step-dad. My therapist even suggested that it was there clear from infancy when I suffered from shaken baby syndrome from my biological father. My mom's first husband was also physically abusive. I was also molested by my older cousin when I was in elementary school. So my problems are from years of emotional trauma, and part of me feels odd saying I have ptsd, because I have always been told it was associated with people who had been to war, I feel like in comparison my issues are nothing compared to what others have been through...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Your supporter....well if she wont even try to understand ptsd, i don't think shes much of a supporter. I think that most of the long term relationships you'll read about here on the forum have a supporter who takes the time to try and understand whats going on.

Most PTSD isn't caused by war. I cant remember the exact statistics, but yeah... Try not to compare yourself to others.

Im not sure what you feel guilty about as you don't bring up guilt in the body of your message.

 

[Dee Morris]

part of me feels odd saying I have ptsd, because I have always been told it was associated with people who had been to war, I feel like in comparison my issues are nothing compared to what others have been through...

I was once told that I couldn't POSSIBLY have PTSD because I have never been in the military. Ignorant people will be ignorant. Sometimes I feel like by comparison my issues are nothing as well even though the physical, mental and sexual abuse was extreme. There is always someone with a story worse than mine and there will always be someone whose story is only a small fragment of the abuse I dealt with. There are always variances in the degree of trauma and one is not more or less deserving of recognition.

 

[skeenr]

My guilt is how low I had to go before I started. My friendship with my roommate is in ruin. My girlfriend spent almost a year believing I was fine since getting away from my step dad, only to later learn it was more severe than ever. My grades in college are trashed and I am at risk of not being able to come back next semester. This is ruining my life, and I am struggling to learn coping methods in time to control my triggered episodes...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you in the USA?

 

[skeenr]

Yes. I am.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I had a lot of false guilt that I thought was real guilt. I felt so bad about surviving the ways I did. Now I have more compassion and understanding for myself. But it has taken so many years in therapy and hard work on my part.

Looking back now, I surely wish I had not been so hard on myself and forgiven myself for surviving.

I do not know if this helps you or not. I wish I could take your pain away and you would feel better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you registered with disability services at your school? If not, do this ASAP as it will have leverage in whether or not you get kicked out of school. Every school has services to help those with a disability, and since you have PTSD, you qualify for their help. I know this is a bit off topic, but you mentioned school and I thought I'd bring it up because it could possibly help you, and a lot of sufferers in school don't know that these services are available to them. If you have any questions about it, you can ask or even do a search here on the forum as others have posted about disability services as well. If you're already registered and using their services, then I hope they're helping you through this rough time!

 

[skeenr]

I had no clue that such a thing existed. My counseling center is free and through my college, otherwise I would not have been able to afford it. I however cannot get in to somewhere and get further care because even if the office visit is free I could not afford medication and my state has not expanded medicare to cover broke college students. What all do these disability services entail?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'll tell you a bit about the services I receive. My disability plan allows me to take my exams in the testing center, which really helps since I get so incredibly distracted during exams. (Gotta love that hypervigilance!) I am also allowed time and a half on exams, which helps keep my anxiety down, and I sometimes completely blank out and it takes me a few minutes to re-center myself so that I can continue. It also mentions that my anxiety may cause me to be late, take a break from class, or miss class. I don't get a free pass to miss as many classes as I want, but my instructors do give me a bit of leeway. I'm allowed to have my laptop in every class, but this is one accommodation I don't ever use. There are a lot of different accommodations available depending upon your exact needs. You will need to get your psychiatrist or doctor to write a letter (or fill out a form) stating what your struggles are and what accommodations are needed and why. (You only have to do this once, not every semester.) But, the first step is visiting or calling the disability center at your school so that they can let you know how the process of applying and receiving accommodations goes. Oh, and I will mention that my accommodation plan does not mention PTSD, it only states that I am dealing with anxiety. You have the right to approve your accommodation plan (the plan that you'll actually give to each of your instructors), so no worries that it will say too much about your particular situation.

I hope that you call them soon. Most schools don't want to kick out students who are struggling because of health related reasons. It takes a little bit of work to get the accommodations, but it is very much worth it.

Another person who receives accommodations is @Ayesha. (I am tagging her so that maybe she'll wander in here) She has posted about receiving disability services as well. (She is a moderator here on this site.)

Disability services on campuses don't help with medical bills or anything like that. Well maybe some have programs that have those kinds of help, but in general the help is mainly academic in nature. My school also has tutoring services, as well, but I've never taken advantage of that. So, at a minimum, at least you'll be able to get help for your studies.

 

[skeenr]

Honestly, my problems in school are mainly withdrawal, or distraction based. I have problems focusing when I'm down, and I am becoming more and more detached from my job and school and, well, life really.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you're registered, you get more leeway when symptoms arise. If you don't register, you end up getting kicked out like a stoner frat boy who doesn't go to class just because he doesn't want to. You are actually struggling and deserve help.