Is It All As Simple As Believing In Ourselves?

[cyndi]

Hi all. For those who haven't read my posts yet, I have complex PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, escaped a very abusive relationship 1 year ago and my Dad passed away a few months later, then I graduated from college. I did amazingly well last fall with all that going on, the police at school even taking me to my classes at their insistance of the description of my ex, living in hiding, being medical POA for my Dad and finishing school.

The spring/summer has been much harder as I lost my purposes and I began remembering the abuse, still coming back in waves. I am in therapy (have been most of my life), about to try a new variation of EMDR called ETT. Anyhow, I went back to work at Starbucks as a barista because I knew the job and it would be easiest during these hard times. I've moved back up as a supervisor and they are talking about training for assistant mgr. :occasion: I wouldn't do all of this but I'm not making ends meet financially, especially adding my school loans to the pile of bills. Before the abusive relationship trauma, I was in retail mangement for @15 years, ran a store doing at least 5x the $ a Starbucks does. I was so different then from the shell I feel I am now. I just decided that going through the training for assistant manager is silly when I've already done so much more and did it well, so I am applying for store manager postions as I am qualified to do so and feel like I'm holding myself back by not doing it. Sometimes my head says, "YES!!! You can do it!!!" and other times I am terrified because although I know that old me is in there somewhere, I can't always find her. I can do this, right? Mind over matter? Putting on a brave face to try to recover myself.

I could use some support. Outside I keep my head high but am trembling inside. Am I doing the right thing pursuing this before I feel ready or is it exactly what I need to do to get my life "running" again and revive my faith in my abilities? As the title to the post says, is it all as simple as just believing in ourselves and sticking hard to that belief? :think:

 

[cyndi]

I forgot to capitalize the right things in the title. Went back to try to edit but it was too late. I'm sorry. I got all caught up in what was on my mind. :( Embarassed.

 

[TLight]

Hi Cyndi;
I go through the same thing. I'm trained as a Biologist, have two degrees (I hid out in school, all I had to do was study and take tests----not deal with life). Currently I'm on disability and working PT at a nursery. I wonder if going back to work will ever be a possibility.

I think that we, above all, need to be very gentle with ourselves. Especially in the customer service, responsibility positions, people can be very rude, mean and the stress can be overwhelming. Might not be a good thing to push yourself.
As far as the loans, I have the same thing going on too. I have an MD 'certify' that I'm disabled every 6 months, a pain and somewhat demeaning...........but I've come to feel that I deserve to have a life not filled with distress. If the rest of the world doesn't respect that, screw them. I also have had fibromyalgia for 16 years. I've been through enough.

There are gentle ways to make a living and manage our distress. Consider your decision very carefully and talk to your T. Backsliding into our symptoms will only serve to move us back from our healing.

Hope this helps. T

 

[UmightKnowMe]

I don't know if anyone can tell you if it is the right thing or not. I guess you have to ask yourself if you have the support you need in place when you need it and some skills under your belt. I think it sounds to ME like you should go for it! But I am just me and I barely know you or your situation or anything about ptsd...I am new to all of it. But what a boost to you to get out there and do something for yourself and believe in yourself and succeed! It is like the exposure therapy...yeah its scary but you do it anyway and stick with it til it isnt so scary anymore.

 

[Nicolette]

I forgot to capitalize the right things in the title.

Fixed :smile:

 

[Marlene]

I do think that it's as simple as believing in ourselves and it's the biggest part of accomplishing anything. Otherwise, to me, there's no point in doing it. That said, asking the question 'Should I?' can only be answered by you. Since you have to live with the consequences of whatever decision you make.

My final, gut-level answer to just about anything is do what you can live with.

Lisa

 

[cyndi]

First and froemost, thank you guys for all your support.

I'm going for it!!!! My first interview is in two days, working up final draft of resume and trying to learn more of the Starbucks internal 'lingo' to use in answering questions (come on memory, make this stick) I'm so excited and nervous. Even getting this far makes me feel like less of a bump on a log and I am excited at the difference I can make on a larger scale in people's lives in this position. I realized my potential and am NOT going to let a diagnosis hold me back from pursuing my dreams. I have good support systems in place and am being gentle on myself meanwhile. I CAN do it. (yea me!) I'm taking back my life from this disorder. I know I need to be sensitive to my needs while I move up, but noone tells me I can't do something. (I'm baaaack!) My therapist is pleased too, says I'm "high functioning" with CPTSD.

Gotta get off of here and finish that resume although I'd rather post on here. lol

 

[void]

:hello: I am proud of you! May your future be even better than you hope it will!

:Hug_emoticon: Void

 

[UmightKnowMe]

Oh yeah!!!! :clap::clap: I'm over here cheering for ya!!! Way to go for it! Whoohoooo!

 

[fallout]

I'm in awe of what you've managed to do, by all means believe in yourself! Just remember, if you try it and it's too much, you can always stop and make different plans. There is no reason to count yourself out early!

 

[midi]

i hope it turns out!

...i don't know if just believing in yourself is enough--but it's certainly the right mind set to be in!

 

[cyndi]

Thanks so much all:smile:
I had my first interview yesterday with the DM. I did great! I'm in awe of how far I've come. Even making it to the grocery store was a panic attack just months ago. *doing a little happy dance* It seems I'm at least (unofficially) in for Assistant Store Manager and still maybe being looked at for Store Manager. The Assistant position is only temporary in our company anyhow, training and waiting for a store. It took a lot of meditating, preparation, deep breathing and I did it. I did it. (tear in my eye) Baby steps, one thing at a time. Not to say I wasn't sooo nervous, but I released as much as I could in meditating.

Here's a quote to leave you all with:"Do not let your fire go out, spark​ by irrep​lacea​ble spark​,​ in the hopel​ess swamp​s of the appro​ximat​e,​ the not-​quite​,​ the not-​yet,​ the not-​at-​all.​ Do not let the hero in your soul peris​h,​ in lonel​y frust​ratio​n for the life you deser​ved,​ but have never​ been able to reach​.​ Check​ your road and the natur​e of your battl​e.​

The world​ you desir​ed can be won. It exist​s,​ it is real,​ it is possi​ble,​ it is yours​.​ "

-Ayn Rand

If you read this,​ belie​ve it. Thing​s like this don'​t only apply​ to some,​ to few, to the lucky​,​ the stron​g.​ Belie​ve it, belie​ve in yours​elf and watch​ your dream​s unfol​d,​ doors​ open you didn'​t even reali​ze were there​.​ Befor​e you know it, you'​re liste​d in there​ with the the few, the lucky​,​ the stron​g.​ (see how many you can bring​ with you along​ the way) Take your life back from whate​ver is stand​ing in your way. Life is too short​ and preci​ous to waste​ and we are ALL capab​le of pursu​ing our dream​s.​ Do it, do it now. :)