Is It Excusable For A Therapist To Not Discuss The Patient's Memories If There Are Too Many?

[greenleaf]

I agree with the folks who are suggesting that your therapist not being a trauma specialist is an issue here... I'd also add that she doesn't really understand trauma work, whether or not she's a specialist. Just my opinion, and I'm not a professional... but no therapist claiming to do trauma work should tell you not to say what you're saying because it is "gruesome". Totally inappropriate. She can't deal and wants to stuff it under the carpet. (As a mistress of under-carpet-stuffing myself, I'd advise a different approach..,.)

 

[Tei-Saji]

I asked my T why she never discussed my bad memories.

I don't remember what reason she gave, but somehow, the conversation led to those very memories. She added that some of these memories had to do with some of the guilt I've held onto. This week, she's advised me to write a letter to myself (my 2012 self) and apologize, then forgive what it was that I had done.

 

[NovemberStar]

@Tei-Saji Do you feel you are any further ahead in understanding her approach to your trauma? I do think it's important you ask directly and clarify what her beliefs are, so you know now, if its worth continuing on with her or not. Personally, a lot of further harm - trauma - can be unwittingly done if you are in the wrong hands. She might be a lovely, kind, caring person, but if she really REALLY doesn't know absolutely, how to help someone work through trauma, you will be wasting your time with her, and could end up worse off.

 

[Hashi]

@Tei-Saji I agree with @NovemberStar

I'm not clear how your therapist is going to help you with PTSD/trauma. If you're clear about that, then that's good. I'm not getting that impression from your posts though. Do you feel confident that she's the right therapist for you to see?

Do you feel that you have enough understanding of her training and approach, to be able to decide about that?

 

[Sarah2732]

Many T's CLAIM to 'have experience' in 'dealing with trauma' (like my previous T) but are NOT specialized in trauma care and therapy.

This is SO true!! So many think that because they've had a few clients who disclosed trauma they have "experience". The truth is that's totally different from being attuned to it, knowledgeable about it, and skilled at helping people process it and recover from it.

I have actually worked with two therapists who went to the same masters program and have been practicing the same amount of time. Basically, their educational background is the exact same- but one is so, so, so much more knowledgeable about trauma and skilled at dealing with it. The other doesn't seem to understand trauma, dissociation, how triggers work, etc. I find that kind of fascinating, and wonder how much of that is a T's own interest in reading to continue their education and how much is just an innate skill at working with it.

 

[NovemberStar]

I think what the difference is probably comes down to experience in helping clients with trauma in which there was one incident and / or it happened to them as an adult.

It's a different set of skills needed I think, where the client has had prolonged trauma during childhood. I think the presenting relationship difficulties are very differnt.

In the case of prolonged abuse / trauma as a child, the T needs to be a LOT more attuned to the particular sensitives the adult survivor will have. It's also very different because the adult survivor of child abuse can often have trauma that was pre-verbal - and memories can be a lot hazier. It can be so much more difficult to explain your experience when you were a child going through it, because you didn't have the cognitive development to be able to put words to what happened and the feelings you had. Being an adult now doesn't help that because the trauma is 'stuck' back at the level of cognitive development present (or not) when the trauma occurred.

The other big difference (and where I think Ts get it wrong if they don't know better) is the effect abuse on a child has with forming attachments. These problems carry over into the relationship with the T. A T has to be very attuned to this in particular.

My last T really didn't know. This T - can't compare - it's different to anything else I've ever experienced. She just doesn't 'talk the talk'; she 'walks the walk' - with me.

@Tei-Saji - I hope this T is very attuned to what it is you need.

 

[Tei-Saji]

I'll try asking her directly about her approach this Saturday.

She also works with drug addicts, if anyone's curious.

 

[NovemberStar]

@Tei-Saji that's good - if you did have complex trauma (i.e. prolonged trauma in childhood), it would be even more important to know if she has experience with working with clients with those issues. Having 'experience' with trauma is one thing, but as i posted above - there are3 different needs and a different approach needed to work with trauma that was 'complex'.

 

[anthony]

She would sometimes talk about how my day was, irrelevant to my memories.

She is trying to keep you in the present, which is where your aim should be.

Does she not have time or the energy for my memories?

Again, she is trying to get you to stay in the present, and stay out of your past. Talking about your past over and over without resolution within the context, is a pointless and useless act in itself. You talk about it to get it out and to find resolution, you don't talk about them for the sake of it, because it keeps you in the past and thus symptomatic.

Does she think I'm unfixable because there are far too many experiences to discuss than there is time in the world?

You have to accept that most of your memories and experiences are in actuality irrelevant in the scheme of healing. There are only key memories that will be keeping you symptomatic and dysfunctional... and those are the only ones you should be focused. Saying that... you need that resolution loop, otherwise you're just chasing your tail and living in the past.

If lesser memories become more significant once you heal the current significant memories, then that is then, not now.

Does that make sense?

 

[Tei-Saji]

@anthony

Thank you. It does.

 

[Seasounds]

I understand Anthony's point of view.

And as there may be different approaches to trauma, from your experience, decide what is best for you, now. Do you feel like you are getting better? Are you less anxious, less depressed, and more hopeful?

I tend to agree with Hashi.

Your therapist may only be making your problems worse, by not encouraging you to talk more about them. Some therapist wrongly believe that a way to deal with trauama, is to just forget about it, and to diverge you from it.

I had such a therapist. At first I thought it was me. I asked my therapist to change, to talking about trauma-from bullying or early childhood; it only made their trauma avoidant behavior worse, and I got worse. Finally, after I left, and started to work with a trauma therapist, I got better.

I have been bullied, plenty, and have many traumatic memories. There is so much to gain from talking about your traumas, and getting support, in therapy.

Your anger and anxiety decline, and self-confidence grows. I think, that the client naturally shifts their focus, once they feel heard, and heal, from the event.

Good luck!

 

[greenleaf]

I actually agree with @Hashi and @change here; there are many approaches to working on trauma. I recently switched from someone who used the exact words, "bringing everything to the present" and had some (complex) trauma training, but not a huge amount (??), to someone with specific dissociation and trauma training. The new T is taking a different approach and may be more "parts" oriented. I hadn't been making much progress with the old T in some ways important to me.

One can interpret that "bringing everything to the present" in a lot of ways!!! Yes, it's the end goal, but there are a lot of things one can't shortcut if the present is being chronically influenced (sometimes very negatively) by old stuff. When we dissociate, we can bury any understanding of the dynamics of how the old stuff is influencing us, so it can take a ton of mental un-knotting in addition to the emotional/body aspects. Good mental understanding really helps me personally feel safer with the truly bizarre emotions and stuff that pops up.

Also, for me, straight verbal work isn't as good as work that somehow includes how I've stored stuff in my body.

I like the word "stuff" by the way.