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Childhood Is it possible he sexually assaulted me and I don't remember?

J

Juniper

I've always been really uncomfortable with my grandad touching me. I've always been a bit iffy about physical but it's worse with him, to the point that in most family gatherings I avoid him to stop him from touching me. He's also been really weird about it in the past, with him grabbing me and not letting go when I try to get away or that one time he held both sides of my head so I could make eye contact with him. He's gotten better last time I saw him though.
About one or two years ago, I've had the thought in the back of my head that there could have been a deeper reason why I hate him touching me, specifically the idea that he SAed me.
When talking with friends about it, the idea only got pushed more. I don't remember most of my life until I was about ten. I moved from the state that my grandfather lives in to my current state when I was 9 turning 10.
I'm currently visiting him now and have been sleeping in his house for about two weeks. Most of the time I'm around him sense I started thinking about this I've felt this constant dread and anxiety. I was almost certain something happened until last night. I had a talk with him because I would be leaving tomorrow and he's been missing me. I could feel a sense of genuine love coming from him and that he truly cared for me.
But idk things still feel off. Could this all be in my head? I'm so confused and I don't know what to think. What are your thoughts?
 
First off, trust your brain and your body. Maybe he did or maybe he didn't. But there is a reason your brain and body respond as they do. I've found, if you let it, the answers come with time. They may not be exactly what you think.

I started therapy because of PTSD and I'm still learning my own story in many ways. I am at a point where I trust my brain regardless of if I know it's true or not because I've seen how my brain is leading me. It's crazy and I had memories come that I don't totally remember..but I also see that as I deal with them, I'm changing and feeling slowly better. So my brain us doing it's job. It's leading me. I had to learn ( and still am) to trust myself. It doesn't matter in the end if I get all the facts straight...it's all there for a reason.

All this to say, trust there is a reason your body is sending out signals. Why? If you aren't already, find a therapist and explore it. EMDR has helped me a ton but finding a good T can help!
 
this is my opinion and its based on my own witness to life. People who SA children and then dont have contact with that child any longer pr fpr a certaim amouny of time the child growns up and acts normal because they dont remember anything from being small and the perosn upon meeting up again im life had to relate to that child on a new plane not so cozy anymore or the oppertunity has not come up. Be safe and keep your guard up SA predators know when to pounce. If you freel some type of way then keep your distance. It’s all tactic for them and one may be that they genuinely love you. Im sorry ypu have to second guess your family and loved one. Worst case it did happen but will never happen again and things can be great but dont let em test you or be slick. Some have felt bad about doing what they did if he did he could at least apologize
 
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