Is It Possible I Have Ptsd?

[Kuve]

When I was 6 years old, an older boy(14-16yrs) who was my 'friend' babysat me. It wasn't really babysitting but when we'd visit our family friend he would always take me out to play. I only have two bad memories with him. I know I hung out with him but I can't remember. Anyways, one, when I was running around during my sisters basketball game playing tag with him an old women grabbed me roughly and screamed at us, but mostly me.

Then the sexual assault.
He brought me in a room and told me we were playing a game. He wrapped me up in a blanket and shut off the lights and was dry humping me. It probably went on for about 5/10 minutes, it's really blurry. I remember I was frozen in spot and my heart was pounding and I knew something was bad. I told him I didn't like the game and I wanted to go but he didn't let me. I feel like it's not bad enough. I'm kind of embarrassed posting this.

I suppressed the memory for 10 years. I'm 16 now. I just forgot. I remembered once about a year ago but then I suppressed it again. I erased it from my mind for months as if it never happened- I don't even know how I managed that... but then I remembered again about five months ago and it is haunting me.

Growing up, I was pretty affectionate as far as I remember, until he did that to me. I hated hugs, compliments, I didn't like being touched and pushed people away. I'm still like that. The thought of love scares me. If a guy gets too close behind me I get scared. If I pass a guy alone, I get scared. I can't trust people, at all. I startle so easily and I'm ALWAYS on guard for potential danger/sexual assault. When I thought I saw the guy who did that, I began shaking and my heart was pounding and caving in and I felt my breath weaken... I now wake up as if I'm choking, or heat flashes, and sometimes I can't sleep or wake up in the middle of the night. I have dreams about being sexually assaulted but it's not of that specific night but random scenarios- I know they're not real. I have bad concentration problems, which have worsened since I remember and self-harming came into the picture and suicidal thoughts. I was so close already but never tried. There was a point in my life where I blocked off all emotions, and I was extremely cold. I felt no guilt, no sadness, nothing... not to mention urges to fight people when they remotely get me mad and anger problems. Some times when I think of it I feel numb but other times it feels like my chest is closing. I can control it tho. I don't have flashbacks though. Just random thoughts about it. let's not forget the low self esteem, hatred, endless nights of crying, and I feel(as I'm typing this) nobody wants me. I also face pretty bad emotional/mental abuse which doesn't help.

Does it sound like I can be suffering from PTSD? Can PTSD even be possible without flashbacks? I'm going to my school counsellor on Tuesday but I want inputs.

 

[Avaf]

When I was 6 years old, an older boy(14-16yrs) who was my 'friend' babysat me. It wasn't really babysitting but when we'd...

Yes. It sounds like it to me, but I'm not a professional. You don't have to have flashbacks for ptsd. You're doing the right thing seeking help. The longer you wait, the longer it takes you to unwrap the issue.

 

[Wavu]

The only requirement to be diagnosed with PTSD is one Criteria A event. Sexual assult is one of them. So yes, its possible but the better question is do you need therapy. Yes, you do. PTSD or not, you are still suffering and still need to deal with your trauma.

 

[Eluma]

Definitely see your counsellor, because it's important that you get support with the symptoms you're describing.

No one here is qualified to diagnose you with anything and, unfortunately, neither is a counsellor. However getting support, regardless of labels, is really important.

There are actually a lot of different types of mental illness that result from trauma, not just ptsd. If you did see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis, it's possible (depending on your jurisdiction - this is a global forum, so I don't want to assume) they wouldn't diagnose a person with ptsd as a result of trauma that did not include sexual 'penetration' (which is a difficult term, but does oftentimes require the sexual organs of at least one person to penetrate the other), which would preclude the event you've described as a Criterion A trauma.

Criterion A trauma is the first of several 'diagnsotic' requirements for ptsd. Diagnosing ptsd is not simple, and a good pdoc will be open to the possibility of other disorders being present regardless of how 'sexual assault' is broken down.

But at he end of the day, this event has been traumatic for you, and you have symptoms that you just don't need to be struggling with each day. That's why getting support is so important, rather than the question of whether it's 'specifically' ptsd.

 

[Jewak]

The only requirement to be diagnosed with PTSD is one Criteria A event. Sexual assult is one of them. So yes, its possi...

Actually that's not true. There is more criteria but that's the only required criteria for it to be PTSD.

 

[Cefa]

Definitely see your counsellor, because it's important that you get support with the symptoms you're describing.

No one...

There does not have to be penetration to be assault, for one. I don't know where that idea comes from especially for a small child. see a trauma specialist. They are best equipped to help.

 

[Cibu]

Definitely see your counsellor, because it's important that you get support with the symptoms you're describing.

No one...

Where did you get this information?

The penetration part is completely false.

I hope no one has been lead astray from this information.

 

[Wema]

Where did you get this information?

The penetration part is completely false.

I hope no one has been lead astray from...

Agreed

 

[Agot]

There does not have to be penetration to be assault,

True. But the language starts to make a mess of the 'criteria A' definition.

An ordinary 'assault' does not ordinarily meet Criteria A, whereas as 'sexual assault' does. 'Sexual assault' in many jurisdictions requires a form of sexual penetration.

The consequence, in some jurisdictions, is (as pointed out), that some pdocs may decide that the event is an assault, but not a sexual assault, and may rule out ptsd on the basis that their reading of criteria A is that it hasn't been met.

It's a nasty area, and not one that responds well to individual circumstances. But the definition for criteria A is intended to give a definitive line to guide pdocs. Some are more flexible with their interpretation than others.

Personally, I find it really awful that the diagnosis of a mental illness would come down to the minutiae of the event details like that. But it is a very real possibility that this event, as described above, would be a straight assault, which falls outside criteria A unless the circumstances are life-threatening. I'm not saying it's moral, I'm just giving the interpretation in some jurisdictions.

 

[Cubazit]

True. But the language starts to make a mess of the 'criteria A' definition.

An ordinary 'assault' does not ordinarily...

You're invalidating the experiences of many.

Molestation doesn't require penetration yet molestation is definitely a criterion A trauma.

 

[Vijeh]

You're invalidating the experiences of many.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not trying to justify the definitions or the way they are interpretted in different parts of the world - in many places, the anti-victim interpretations are heinous. Frankly, I don't think the DSM or ptsd in particular does a very good job of validating suffering in sexualised situations. But knowing what a shitty job the DSM is doing to respond to situations like these is the first step in inspiring change. The DSM just ain't good enough - IMHO.

 

[Topahi]

DAN Criteria A doesn't make any mention of penetration being required to qualify, it's misleading to suggest that it does...

A. Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence

And from the PTSD Diagnosis article on this site...

Criteria A
Criterion A outlines events that are considered traumatic enough for a PTSD diagnosis, which include but not limited to, war as a combatant or civilian, threatened or actual physical assault (robbery, mugging, physical attack, childhood physical abuse), threatened or actual sexual violation (forced sexual penetration, alcohol / drug-facilitated sexual penetration, abusive sexual contact, noncontact sexual abuse, sexual trafficking), being kidnapped, taken hostage, terrorist attack, torture, prisoner of war, natural or man-made disasters, medical (waking during surgery, anaphylactic shock) and severe motor vehicle accidents.

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