Relationship Is It Ptsd Or Just Me?

[Carolina79]

Hello all .. I am new here and in fact, pretty new to this whole thing. I really hope I can get some perspective from someone who has been where I am because to be honest with you I have been living the past 2 weeks in agony. About 3 months ago I met a wonderful man at a benefit held for my dad who had just passed away. We live about 3 hours apart, but struck up a fast friendship anyway. We seemed to really connect and for the first 2 1/2 months, talked via text off and on, all day, every day. It didn't take long before the conversations turned intense. We both admitted we had crazy feelings for one another, wanted to be together, missed each other badly, etc. He was so sweet and affectionate. He helped carry me through the loss of my father and it wasn't long before I fell for him completely. I could tell him anything, including the fact that he had my heart and he said I had his too. I knew going in that he was a combat vet, who served 3 tours but then learned that due to a TBI, he had been discharged and is now disabled. After the first month of separation .. which we both agreed felt like years when all we wanted was to be together .. we made plans to see each other again. It was wonderful! He made me feel so cared for, so adored, and I truly felt like I had found the one I was supposed to be with. He agreed he felt the same. After that, we made plans to see each other every other weekend and each time was as wonderful as the first. Until Valentine's Day, everything was wonderful. We made plans for him to come to visit but he was suddenly admitted to the hospital and spent the weekend getting treatments. He hasn't opened up to me much about his injury, only saying that he is in pretty constant pain and his brain is still swollen. Honestly, I didn't handle it well at all. I didn't understand. I have never dealt with this type of thing before and the distance hasn't helped. During that weekend, I feel like he completely shut me out. We still talked every day, but his messages were short and few and far between. At the end of the weekend, I honestly was so hurt I was ready to accept the fact that this was his way of telling me he no longer wanted to be with me. Even though nothing leading up to this would have painted him as the kind of person who would treat me that way, or be so cold as to just stop talking to me. He eventually (after a lot of pushing on my part I am ashamed to say) told me that we were fine, it was all medical stuff and nothing to do with me. Ever since though, he has seemed to back away more and more. Not knowing the first thing about PTSD, and since we had never discussed it, I assumed I had pushed him away and that he was trying to just gradually blow me off. I don't know why it never occurred to me that he could be suffering even though he had never come out and admit it.

Since then, we have seen each other once and things felt fine .. but as far as talking goes, we barely do at all anymore. There hasn't been a day since we met that we haven't talked .. but today he only said a total of 5 words to me. He did open up yesterday and admitted that his head was possibly getting worse and may require surgery. He said he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want me to worry. This week, he has told me I am important to him and that he does still want me. But to me, it feels like the opposite. I am trying to be understanding and realize that he is dealing with a lot right now. Which is why today it finally dawned on me to research PTSD and thankfully I stumbled across this site. Reading through some other threads, it's like I was reading everything I have felt the past 2 weeks. It has been so hard not to take things personally, since we have gone from being so affectionate and discussing moving closer to be together .. to barely speaking. I have been beating myself up thinking I did something to ruin this seemingly perfect opportunity. In my heart, I feel that if he is still telling me he wants me, misses me, and that I am important to him, he really means it .. even if it is only a once a day message. But my head is screaming at me that he is gone. And that thought kills me. I know we have only known each other a short time but I really care for him. I want him to know I am here for him and not going anywhere .. and I have told him as much .. but I also don't want to overwhelm him and truly push him away. Since we have never discussed PTSD I am just at a loss as to how I should handle this. Do I just leave him alone and let him come to me?

If you have made it this far through my rambling, thanks so much! :) Any advice would be so appreciated.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He has told you how he feels, now it is up to you to trust that what he says is true. (Usually I say this to supporters who come here saying the opposite---that their sufferer has said point blank that the relationship is over, they need time alone, etc---and the supporter just wants to blame it all on PTSD and not believe the sufferers words). You are REALLY lucky that he is being honest with you and saying that things are fine. Please please please believe him and find a way to give him space.

Read and memorize (lol) the stress cup concept. It will explain a lot.

Give him the space he requests, but it is ok to check in with him every so often to let him know you're thinking of him. Try not to get upset if you don't get an immediate response.

I am a sufferer myself.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi Carolina -

What Solara said is good advice.

What he probably needs more than anything right now is a friend who will be there for him.

It is possible he is going through PTSD. It is also possible that dealing with a head trauma is hard for him as well.

I know from personal experience that coming back to civilian life after being a soldier is hard even without PTSD or an injury because you will never see the world the way you did before you went in. You are no longer innocent. You will never be able to get the images and experiences out of your mind even if you can make peace with them and that can tend to alienate you a bit from the rest of the world - even from those you care about.

For me, you just being there as a friend who can listen to him and like him for who he is and be strong can go a long way to heal him during the times he is dealing with the things he is dealing with. And then as the friendship grows so will the love. At least that is what I have experienced.

Wishing you much peace and hope it works out well for both of you

Namaste - Laurie

 

[Carolina79]

Thank you both so much for your responses. I am happy to hear that so far things are still positive. He hasn't come out and specifically asked for space, but he has backed away so much I feel like it's what he needs. Like I said, I am trying to be understanding and can't even begin to imagine what he is going through. I have told him as much and each time the response I get is, "I'm ok". It's really hard not to take things personally when suddenly contact just stops. There hasn't been a day in 3 months that I have not heard from him and had I not reached out yesterday I don't think he would have at all. I am going to try to give him the space he needs today and just stay away from my phone so I am not tempted to contact him. I have never felt this way before and my head is telling me all sorts of crazy things like, he is not being truthful, he's just saying these things so he won't hurt you and hoping that his distance will make you walk away so he won't have to. It's crazy! I feel like I am going crazy .. but I have been praying a lot for God to just keep him safe and help him work out whatever he has going on, and to help me to trust what he is saying and focus on me in the meantime. I have learned from reading some topics here that it is normal for a person who suffers to stop communication because they think it will be better for the supporter, not realizing that not knowing hurts worse than knowing ever could. When we met, I was the one suffering a loss and dealing with a lot of stress. He was right there for me and I am the type that doesn't hold back. So it's hard for me knowing he has all of this on his shoulders but chooses to shut me out and not let me be there for him. I guess I have a lot to learn but he is worth it so I will make the effort. Thank you again for your words of wisdom.

 

[Chris516]

It sounds like he is putting up a wall. The closer it got to Valentines Day, the more fear he had. Despite his being a combat vet, his telling you that his brain was swollen sounds like a terribly convenient excuse.

I am saying that from indirect personal experience. I had several brain surgeries as a child, for two congenital health issues. I would never use my medical health as a way to get out of something that was already pre-planned.

If his brain was actually swollen, it could have been a serious issue that could have existed for some time. But if that was the case, he had been keeping it a secret.

 

[Carolina79]

I honestly wondered if it was an excuse too .. but to be fair to him, he had disclosed from the get go about his brain still being swollen, and that he had to have scans every month or so to make sure it wasn't getting worse. Almost daily in our talks he would complain of headaches and at least 3 times a week would say he was going to lay down because his head was bad.

The week before Valentine's Day, he said his head was really bad and that he was going to the VA to be checked out. The day before, he messaged me that he was still planning to come, but had to go to the VA for some tests earlier in the morning but would be on his way afterwards. Then a little later in the day, I got word that they had admitted him and that he would be receiving hyperbaric chamber treatments.

Because of the distance, of course my mind automatically went into doubt, but it seems like a lot to make up just to get out of spending the weekend with me. The Sunday before, he was close and asked me to meet him for the evening and when we parted the next day, it was with a kiss and promise to see me in 3 days.

I have wondered if he may have had some fear that we were getting too close and started to pull away. He has mentioned that he isn't used to having someone who cares and that he will need to work to get used to it. I, never having had any experience with this, don't understand why if that's the case, he wouldn't just tell me so. We are adults and I have told him that if there is ever anything he needs to say to just say it. I'm a big girl, I can handle it.

I would much rather know he is moving on so that I can do the same .. instead of being strung along by being told he still wants me/us. I'm just so confused and hurt.

 

[Mouseshadow]

Hopefully one of the ladies can come on here and give you a little better perspective. I have been seeing a woman with PTSD and have had similar experiences. You have very good instincts and you're very intuitive. There is probably more than meets the eye here. One of the hardest things for people with PTSD is a relationship. The relationship itself becomes stressful and at some point you might become a trigger as I currently am. One of the things you'll experience is isolation and that may be what he is doing. My sufferer and I were officially together for about a month and we became really close and became intimate. We broke up last week because the relationship itself was too much for her to think about. She felt so much pressure to be a good girlfriend and she withdrew from me emotionally. Just like you described she went from affectionate to extremely cordial with short texts and responses. Now that we are not "official" she is not stressed as much anymore and she chats with me often and has even begun to say "I miss you" which is huge for her. The bad news is after we became intimate and got close she has become terrified of my presence as I am a man and her PTSD stems from sexual abuse. Now all I can do is support her and be a friend to her. It's sad because she wants to be with me but she is currently incapable of it. What she needs to do is focus on herself and get therapy. My story is similar to what you will see on these forums. If you want to be with this man know what you are in for. You will have to grow as a person and learn to deal with your own insecurities when they isolate from you. You will have to be patient and kind and in the end it may still not work out. I hope this helps.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm not sure why you keep re-posting the same post ? In the same forum? (The ladies have already replied---yesterday;) Are you looking for different answers?

 

[anthony]

Threads merged. Please cease replicating content, otherwise your account will be banned.

 

[Carolina79]

I posted in a different section but it was moved. Sorry for the repeat. Was just hoping for various perspectives. I apologize.

 

[anthony]

I posted in a different section but it was moved.

Which also isn't allowed. We don't replicate content in different areas, thanks.

 

[scout86]

You're really excited about this great relationship. He's told you he had a traumatic brain injury that gives him severe headaches and that he's still being monitored for, he gets bad enough that he has to be hospitalized and the first thing you think of is "Maybe he's making all this up"? Has he given you reasons not to trust him? If you can't trust him, why would you want to be involved with him?

From HIS perspective, do you suppose he might actually be in so much pain that it's really hard to communicate with you? If I was in his position (I have PTSD) and my "significant other" had a come apart because I was IN THE HOSPITAL and couldn't text him, I'd be seriously asking myself how involved I wanted to be with a person like that. A good friend, who "gets" how my mind works, told the last guy I went out with that the thing he had to remember about me is that you have to "prove up" every day. That's not quite true, but it's close. I want to know if I can trust someone, if they can be depended on, and I'm always looking for evidence one way or the other. Someone accusing me of lying would be a deal breaker. Someone freaking out because I didn't respond to constant messages would be a deal breaker too. Someone one who professed to care about me and wasn't worried because I was in the hospital......?

Maybe I'm misinterpreting your reaction. It sounds to me like there's a real possibility that the guy has a serious medical issue. I think a more appropriate response from someone who truly cares about him would be concern for his well being and recovery. Beyond that (and maybe this is a generational thing) someone who wanted me to spend all day every day texting them would get a little hard to take too. And I don't think that's a PTSD thing. That's a "it's possible to be too clingy" thing.

I just reread that and tried to figure out if it sounds excessively harsh. I honestly don't know. (Sorry!) It's just my opinion. For all the well intentioned supporters who get upset about people "isolating" I'd just like to say that sometimes that's a reasonable reaction to being suffocated. Sometimes, perhaps, out of concern and a desire to help, you can go so far that you'd chase ANYONE away. In this case, I think there's an excellent chance that the guy is really sick and I hope they can help him recover.