Relationship Is It Ptsd Or Just Me?

[Carolina79]

Thanks for your perspective Scout86. I guess I should have done a better job of explaining. When he was in the hospital, I didn't automatically doubt him, and was very concerned. And I never ever accused him of lying to me about it. We had previously talked about his doctor visits and he always mentioned that it would be nice to have me there to keep him company. I offered to come down to be with him and he refused. I understood .. there wasn't much I could do there anyway and it is a new relationship .. he may not have wanted me there and that was fine. It's not like I bombarded the poor man with messages all weekend. :) But did ask every once in a while how things were going, like I said, I have always expressed great concern over his health issues.

Since then, he has pulled back a great deal and I have honestly felt that maybe I did push too hard and drove him away. I pulled back as well. It was just a little confusing to me since before, the contact was constant (and not just on my part) and to have it suddenly stop was hard. And I really don't expect constant contact all day every day, that's not really realistic. However, it would be nice to know if something is going on or if he needs a break. But again, I admit I didn't understand. I have never been friends with/dated a person who had served or had any sort of medical issue as a result. I can fully admit that I was being selfish and beyond being concerned for his physical health, didn't really stop to think about how it could have been impacting him emotionally. And I was wrong for that. I am trying to learn, and understand and not take things so personally.

I fear that I have run him off .. and I will be the first to admit I came into the relationship with a multitude of my own issues .. trust and otherwise that have nothing to do with him. He has always been understanding and says that he knew what he was getting into when he got into it. I guess I didn't, and hadn't dealt enough with my own issues, and that is unfortunate. I told him today that I wished he wouldn't just shut me out .. and I truly mean when I say that had he ever told me it was too much or he needed space, I would have gladly given it. I have asked him point blank and always get the response that he and things are ok. I see now though, that perhaps it is difficult for him to express. I have been totally ignorant and that is why I decided that it he was worth keeping I needed to learn about these things and try to understand where he is coming from.

I truly hope that giving him some space and time alone will bring him back to me. I do care for him very much and want to be there for him if he will let me. I just hope it's not too late.

 

[scout86]

My standard answer to any question about how I am, from anybody, is "I'm fine." It's almost a reflex, I don't even think about it when I say it. It's kind of hard to get past that, I guess. On either side of the conversation.

He sounds like a really nice guy and he sounds reasonably mature. I kind of doubt you've managed to "run him off" beyond all hope of repair. The whole "giving him space" thing is fine, but it can also be misunderstood. (:She's avoiding me, she's mad at me. I've screwed up, she hates me, etc.) I really think the best thing people can do is talk to each other honestly and frankly and also listen to each other and take what gets said seriously. I see nothing wrong with telling him you "fear that you have run him off". for example and explain why. Sometimes, maybe there's a lot of other stuff going on in your head and it's hard to stay focused for a long drawn out, complicated conversation. Most people still like to hear that you care and you're there for them. One of the things I like best about the people I consider my closest friends is that they are all open, direct, and honest. This might be mostly me, but I'm terrible at figuring out what others are thinking, I'm often wrong when I have to guess, and wondering what's going on kind of freaks me out. I have one friend in particular that others find to be a little TOO direct. I think he's great because I always know what he's thinking because he's darn sure going to tell me if I need to know. No game playing, ever.

What I'm saying is, don't make this too complicated. If you have something you want to say, just say it. If there's something you want to know, ask. One of the things I've learned from reading on this forum is lots of people complicate their relationships by trying to guess, read minds, and assuming everyone thinks like they do. Better not to do any of that, but to speak your truth. If the relationship can't handle that, it's not going to work anyway. Your last 2 sentences are priceless. I'd share that with him, if I was you.

Good luck to both of you!

 

[Carolina79]

Well .. I messaged this morning saying that I just wanted to know that he is ok .. that I still care and if that has to be just as his friend that's ok too. Got no response. Until yesterday he has never just flat out ignored my messages. It is very hard not to take personally but I am trying. I just wish I knew if he was alright. I really don't want to push him .. maybe once a day messages are too much. I suppose I'll give him a day or two and reach out again, just letting him know that I'm not giving up on him and will be here when/if he needs me. I really appreciate all of your advice.

 

[amethist]

Less is sometimes best Caroline, as sufferers cant always manage even the simple stuff of communicating.

You may now have to think, "How long do I wait. I have only known him 3 months and now he has disappeared" It's up to you how long you wait, but it could be like this, coming and going for years, can you cope with that and not knowing if he will come back.

Think about what you would say to a friend in this situation, then follow that advice yourself.

 

[scout86]

You know it IS possible that he's laying in bed with a splitting headache and his phone is turned off......

You may now have to think, "How long do I wait. I have only known him 3 months and now he has disappeared" It's up to you how long you wait, but it could be like this, coming and going for years, can you cope with that and not knowing if he will come back.

Amethist is right, though. For me, personally, I don't like making phone calls and I prefer not to text at all. (Too many people use it too much, IMO, and too easy to misunderstand.) My own idea of when someone might be ignoring me, or might think that I'm ignoring them, is a few days. If it takes me a few days to get back to someone, what that means, from MY perspective, is that it's taken me that long to get myself inspired enough to make the effort and it seems like a major effort to ME. One of the things I'm learning on this forum is that a lot of people have a much different standard. I could never be in a successful relationship with a person who expected immediate responses all the time. That would be too much to ask of a person where that was important to them. Everyone has to figure out for themselves what works and what doesn't.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My sufferer is a combat vet with TBI as well. The mixture of PTSD and TBI is not a fun one. They exacerbate each other. What I would suggest is giving him some space to deal with the stress of being ill. Keep in mind, stress can make them ill, and being ill will stress them, making some kind of heinous loop they have to work through themselves. You could text him something like "Hope you feel better soon. I'm here when you are feeling better, or if you need me," then just let him be, and let him contact you if he wants to.

My second suggestion is to educate yourself on PTSD and TBI, and how they work together. With TBI, the symptoms will vary depending on the area of the brain that was injured. Just to scratch the surface, there could be cognitive issues, memory problems, pain, physical coordination problems, and it can even effect how they deal with people emotionally or socially. Throwing PTSD into that mix complicates these existing symptoms, while adding it's own specific symptoms.

 

[Carolina79]

Wow .. reading back through my messages I sound so completely selfish. No wonder he chose to shut me out. It's probably for the best that he did. It's forcing me to take a good hard look at me and I'm not liking what I see. I'm really going to take this time to focus on making myself better so that if he does come back I am better prepared to be there for him in the way he needs. And if he doesn't? Huge lesson learned for future relationships.

 

[Carolina79]

I really think it's over and it's killing me. Still no word from him. I've left him alone .. until today.

You see, he is leaving for 8 months. Basically, going on a journey of self discovery. I'm very happy for him, excited even .. and truly hope that this will help him find what he needs, what he's looking for, or help him to heal.

I'm VERY worried about his medical issues as he's going to be alone in the wilderness .. but all I can do is continue to pray for him.

Today I sent a message .. after discovering that he'd be going sooner than expected .. letting him know know that I sincerely wish him the best and hope he has an amazing and fulfilling journey. I let him know I'd been researching ptsd and that I was truly sorry if I'd pushed or pressured him in any way. Told him I still cared and would love to be his friend if nothing else.

Also .. he gave me something before things went south .. something that is really important to him. I asked how I could get it back to him because I know it is very special to him. Nothing. No response.

I have seen photos of him out and about .. so at least I know he is feeling well enough physically to get out. Hes communicating with others. And that honestly makes me happy.

I let him know I wasn't expecting a response and really just wanted to wish him well on his journey. Is it wrong or selfish of me that it really hurts me that I don't seem to matter enough for him to even say goodbye to me? I feel kind of foolish because I am still holding on to hope. He hasn't come out and ended it .. and hasn't asked that his personal item be returned. Maybe as hard as I'm trying .. I still just don't understand.