Hello all. I honestly don't know how to write down my feelings so please bear with me.
For a while now I have been feeling as if there was something wrong with me. I've had depression to the point where I can't even get out of bed in the morning and it makes me feel bad about myself and is the reason i wont be able to graduate highschool on time. (I miss a lot of days) My anxiety is so bad that I can't even ask a stranger a simple question, or in recent cases had to quit my job because I couldn't deal with people. I also had an anxiety attack the day before my first day of school this year because I am afraid of tomorrow.
I recently was researching anxiety and depression and came across some other mental health tests and decided to take them just for fun. My first assessment was a for mania, then ADD, then bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. When I was informed that there is a huge possibility that I could severe mania, a severe bipolar disorder ADD and borderline personality disorder I was shell shocked. My world felt like it flipped upside down. I felt as if I was having an out of body experience. As if this wasn't real and the girl i see in the mirror isn't me. How could this be? (I know that these tests are not 100% accurate but even the thought is scary)
I was very confused. I didn't understand how or why I would develop all these issues being that I am still so young (18). But as I thought about it, I came to one solution.
When I was younger, I was sexually abused by two older boys at different times. I didn't realize it was so wrong and at first i didn't think it was bad. To me it felt good. we even got caught. When I realized how wrong this was, I wanted to stop. But I couldn't say no. They kept saying please, its okay, we wont get caught, don't worry.I don't remember why or when I stopped talking to these people. One was my favorite cousin and the other was my best friend. All I remember is one day being friends and then today where we are not. I avoid them like the plague.
Even as I am recalling this I feel numb. As if this didn't happen to me, I think my way of coping was to lock it up and pretend it never happened, and I lost my whole childhood due to it.
I realize now that after this my life changed. I went from the friendliest person (I often have people who knew me when I was young say things like" you were so friendly you always said hi to me", and are now upset that I don't.) I barely spoke to anyone and stopped caring about my appearance and hygiene. I gained so much weight as well. I used to like talking to everyone and being everyone's friend but now I can't even go to work. I quit the one true love which was softball. Just thinking about it makes me feel so disgusted. I shouldn't have let them touch me in that way. Why did they have to take advantage of me? Why did i let them? My family is so disappointed in me for quitting my first job and failing school but I couldn't do it anymore. They don't understand and just think I am a lazy good for nothing. I just want to be my old self. My happy self.
Sometimes I feel as though I will never be normal. These thoughts haunt me. I have dreams of going to school and being somebody but it is so hard I fight with myself daily. I go through periods of me being here physically, even talking to people, but not being here mentally.
I have also gotten to there point where nothing bothers me anymore. Friends? Who cares. Why try. They just think I'm weird. School? What's the point. I'm not graduating. I know these thoughts are toxic but I can't help it.
Do you think that my social anxiety, general anxiety, depression, ADD, BPD, etc are nasty by products of PTSD? I feel so ashamed posting here about my problems when I feel as a lot of you are in much worse situations than I and I hope everything works out for all.
I know I have to see a therapist and I want help so bad but am too afraid to talk to people or a stranger. I am slowly starting to speak to my mother about my issues. She thinks I can tackle them on my own, but I cannot. She says I remind her of herself.
I want to be like my old self, the one everyone has nice stories about. Or maybe I am just being naive.
Thank you for being so kind to read my story. Also, if you are wondering why I haven't told my parents is because it could either a) ruin my family due to one of the boys being my cousin or 2) it could be that my parents already know, as I did mention that we had gotten caught, but never did anything about it which would make me very upset.
Again thank you so much for reading. If I posted this is the wrong section I am sorry. Also, please ignore my spelling and grammar as I typed this whole thing out on a smartphone
I will upload my evaluation scores just in case you are curious . I screen shotted them because I was so alarmed.
For a while now I have been feeling as if there was something wrong with me. I've had depression to the point where I can't even get out of bed in the morning and it makes me feel bad about myself and is the reason i wont be able to graduate highschool on time. (I miss a lot of days) My anxiety is so bad that I can't even ask a stranger a simple question, or in recent cases had to quit my job because I couldn't deal with people. I also had an anxiety attack the day before my first day of school this year because I am afraid of tomorrow.
I recently was researching anxiety and depression and came across some other mental health tests and decided to take them just for fun. My first assessment was a for mania, then ADD, then bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. When I was informed that there is a huge possibility that I could severe mania, a severe bipolar disorder ADD and borderline personality disorder I was shell shocked. My world felt like it flipped upside down. I felt as if I was having an out of body experience. As if this wasn't real and the girl i see in the mirror isn't me. How could this be? (I know that these tests are not 100% accurate but even the thought is scary)
I was very confused. I didn't understand how or why I would develop all these issues being that I am still so young (18). But as I thought about it, I came to one solution.
When I was younger, I was sexually abused by two older boys at different times. I didn't realize it was so wrong and at first i didn't think it was bad. To me it felt good. we even got caught. When I realized how wrong this was, I wanted to stop. But I couldn't say no. They kept saying please, its okay, we wont get caught, don't worry.I don't remember why or when I stopped talking to these people. One was my favorite cousin and the other was my best friend. All I remember is one day being friends and then today where we are not. I avoid them like the plague.
Even as I am recalling this I feel numb. As if this didn't happen to me, I think my way of coping was to lock it up and pretend it never happened, and I lost my whole childhood due to it.
I realize now that after this my life changed. I went from the friendliest person (I often have people who knew me when I was young say things like" you were so friendly you always said hi to me", and are now upset that I don't.) I barely spoke to anyone and stopped caring about my appearance and hygiene. I gained so much weight as well. I used to like talking to everyone and being everyone's friend but now I can't even go to work. I quit the one true love which was softball. Just thinking about it makes me feel so disgusted. I shouldn't have let them touch me in that way. Why did they have to take advantage of me? Why did i let them? My family is so disappointed in me for quitting my first job and failing school but I couldn't do it anymore. They don't understand and just think I am a lazy good for nothing. I just want to be my old self. My happy self.
Sometimes I feel as though I will never be normal. These thoughts haunt me. I have dreams of going to school and being somebody but it is so hard I fight with myself daily. I go through periods of me being here physically, even talking to people, but not being here mentally.
I have also gotten to there point where nothing bothers me anymore. Friends? Who cares. Why try. They just think I'm weird. School? What's the point. I'm not graduating. I know these thoughts are toxic but I can't help it.
Do you think that my social anxiety, general anxiety, depression, ADD, BPD, etc are nasty by products of PTSD? I feel so ashamed posting here about my problems when I feel as a lot of you are in much worse situations than I and I hope everything works out for all.
I know I have to see a therapist and I want help so bad but am too afraid to talk to people or a stranger. I am slowly starting to speak to my mother about my issues. She thinks I can tackle them on my own, but I cannot. She says I remind her of herself.
I want to be like my old self, the one everyone has nice stories about. Or maybe I am just being naive.
Thank you for being so kind to read my story. Also, if you are wondering why I haven't told my parents is because it could either a) ruin my family due to one of the boys being my cousin or 2) it could be that my parents already know, as I did mention that we had gotten caught, but never did anything about it which would make me very upset.
Again thank you so much for reading. If I posted this is the wrong section I am sorry. Also, please ignore my spelling and grammar as I typed this whole thing out on a smartphone
I will upload my evaluation scores just in case you are curious . I screen shotted them because I was so alarmed.
