Is It Transference?

[Katwonderland]

Hello! I am a long time reader and poster from long ago. I'm using a new alias as I really don't want to revisit old threads and issues i previously posted about :ninja:. I've been struggling with an issue for a while now and am stumped.

I am a long time therapy client and have been seeing my current therapist for over 6 years at this point. I have attachment issues related to childhood trauma, it is very difficult for me to open up, make connections, be vulnerable and ask for help . Its a little frustrating as I still feel this issue is very present for me with my current therapist. In the 6 years we have been working together, I definitely feel that I have made progress, gained insight and am more able to manage symptoms. However, I STILL am unable to process in any great depth traumatic memories or express vulnerabilities I feel in relation to the therapeutic relationship.

I know that some of it is transference as he is male, which by virtue of my trauma makes safety an issue, but lately I have been feeling "insignificant" and not cared for in many ways. He has exceptionally strong boundaries which is great, but sometimes they feel a little to rigid and I take things personally. For example, I didn't attend my appointment Monday - total avoidance which I fessed up to, and he responded asking if anything had happened in the previous session. I responded , telling him that the increased frequency of our sessions was making me more symptomatic and making it difficult for things to settle down between sessions. Well, he never responded and I found it very upsetting. It's not the first time that something like this has happened - no response or delayed response, not rescheduling my appointment to account for missed ones due to holidays etc, mentioning a book or article he would email me and not doing it. I never bring it up with him as I do think a huge part of it is related to him being a little scatterbrained and forgetful at times, but truthfully it does bring up old issues of me not being important. In this instance, I was mad. Why ask if you can't take the time to respond?

To be honest, I don't feel like bringing this up with him. I know its because it exposes vulnerabilities but I also don't want to have to sit through an explanation of why. His strong boundaries and limited contact between sessions (for example, he would never email or call to ask how I was after a tough session, if we do correspond between sessions its extremely brief).

Here's the other thing.....I really don't feel like going to therapy anymore either. I feel like I've been wading through the wreckage for 6 years and that I need a break. We have increased sessions to twice a week to hopefully start to work through the bigger issues but I'm not liking how disregulated I am between sessions. I am also noticing other things are slipping that had improved - not eating, increased pot use, not exercising, isolating more etc.

SO- if you have read this long thank you thank you, and I guess I can get to the point now :laugh:. I am seriously considering quitting therapy. I would find another therapist that focuses more specifically on DBT skills and just try to "live" for a little while and really not try to dive into the wreckage anymore. I would focus more on all the things I know I need to do but am having a hard time with while so actively undergoing therapy. I have tons more work to do and I know that, but I am having a serious flight instinct right now.

I have so many issues and past trauma related to attachment and safety that I really don't know how to trust myself. Is all of this just clever defense mechanisms for me to avoid processing my trauma (because its hard! and destabilizing and terrible) or is it my therapist specifically and his technique that isn't working for me anymore? Maybe I need a female therapist that I can become more attached to? Or maybe I just need a break and need to focus more on the DBT skills that I find so useful?

Thank you so much for reading :)

 

[joeylittle]

Off-topic, on an administrative level - please contact me via the 'contact us' link (bottom of page, the envelope icon among the twitter, instagram, and facebook icons), so we can chat about your account options if you plan on visiting again more regularly.

On topic:

I responded , telling him that the increased frequency of our sessions was making me more symptomatic and making it difficult for things to settle down between sessions. Well, he never responded and I found it very upsetting. It's not the first time that something like this has happened - no response or delayed response, not rescheduling my appointment to account for missed ones due to holidays etc, mentioning a book or article he would email me and not doing it. I never bring it up with him as I do think a huge part of it is related to him being a little scatterbrained and forgetful at times, but truthfully it does bring up old issues of me not being important. In this instance, I was mad. Why ask if you can't take the time to respond?

I wonder if you see my therapist.

having been through this with mine within the last year, I can tell you that for me - it was worth it to bring it up. Yes, it was so hard, felt shameful, exposed, all of it. But in the end, it was worth doing. If yours is like mine, he does care about his job and he takes it seriously. I can't ever reconcile that with the slight scatterbrained-ness, but I do know that anyone can drop the ball sometimes. Talking about it was a two-part conversation: one very practical, where we could talk about expectations on communication and set some practices in place that helped (I don't expect him to send me things he brings up, I get the info to do it on my own; he always responds to an email, even if it's just to say thank you and we will talk about it next session. Things like that); and two, the vulnerability piece, which is still hard to work on - that didn't just go away, but it has become an important part of re-building the therapeutic alliance that was damaged by some of his behaviors and my silence.

Have you considered that if you do bring it up, and it doesn't go well, you still have the option of ending therapy? In other words, it's not either-or.

 

[Mim28]

I've taken breaks from therapy from time to time, when I just got so sick of talking about myself or other things got in the way, so it can be okay, but if you haven't been without therapy, I wouldn't make a total break. Maybe find a female as you suggested.
I have been blessed with a wonderful female therapist whom I completely trust. She totally gets me. I took a break but waited too long to put myself back on my "priority list" and I crashed. So, I am back to weekly appointments.
If you are being triggered by your T, then it's probably not a good idea to see him. Also, he should have replied. That's unprofessional.

 

[Eagle3]

My therapist is awful about emails...he frequently jokes about it in group sessions. I've sort of gotten used to the fact that I can send him a 3 page journal entry, and he won't respond unless I'm in some sort of crisis. I should probably bring it up with him, since I'm so used to being ignored and made to feel unimportant in my life, so this is just playing to that issue. Not looking forward to that discussion...

I love my T, couldn't do most of the stuff we do with any other person, but there is still things that annoy me and I know I'm going to have to bring it up at some point. Its part of the therapeutic process.

 

[Mim28]

I've never spoken to my T about email. I assume that if I need to see her or give her some info, I have to call or bring it in with me for the next session. I have her cell to let her know if I need to cancel/etc.

 

[Tinyflame]

Not sure if I'd call that transferance or just reacting to the responses/ lack of responses, & assigning your own meaning to it.

I do wonder though, in regards to any relationship, personal or professional, people can run the gamut from caring to harmful, and their actions from unintended to not caring, or dismissive.

I just wonder, would it be a bad thing to have stability, continuity, clear communication, & to feel welcomed, believed & not imposing..?

 

[Sideways]

Seeing the same person regularly to talk about heavy personal stuff is a long haul. Maybe you just need time out? Maybe you'd both benefit from that?

I agree with @joeylittle that this isn't an either/or situation. There's different options.

In the past, I've found that both me and my T benefitted from time out occasionally. Maybe you could use that time to do a dbt course, or just experience life. But come back after an agreed period of time and see if you feel differently?

Taking time out, for me, gave my brain a break, but it also showed me that usually, my position has changed and the things I want to work on had moved. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

Needing a pause from someone you see that regularly, rely on, have to confront all these big issues with week in, week out...If you need a break, that kind of makes you sound human...?

 

[Sandstone]

have been seeing my current therapist for over 6 years

However, I STILL am unable to process in any great depth traumatic memories

We have increased sessions to twice a week to hopefully start to work through the bigger issues

the increased frequency of our sessions was making me more symptomatic

I am also noticing other things are slipping that had improved

Is all of this just clever defense mechanisms for me to avoid processing my trauma (because its hard! and destabilizing and terrible)

I'm biased, because I know how my mind works, but reading your story I thought it was most likely to be the increased focus on traumatic memories that set off the rest of the problems. I think the increased difficulty in trusting and communicating comes along with the spike in symptoms generally. It makes sense that as you get closer to addressing childhood trauma you would also get closer to the lack of trust and sense of unreliability.

If I was in your position I would want to spend a little time on unpicking how much was based on your T's real failings, which as a human being he must have, and then push even harder to continue that focus on the trauma. I say I would want to do that, but I know how hard it would be, and I don't honestly know If I would manage it.

 

[Katwonderland]

Thank you all for your replies!

two, the vulnerability piece, which is still hard to work on - that didn't just go away, but it has become an important part of re-building the therapeutic alliance that was damaged by some of his behaviors and my silence.

Yes, I'm not sure why it feels so shameful. Or I guess I know why but am surprised at how deep it runs for something that I feel is pretty basic and human. If a friend ever came to me and said they felt hurt there therapist didn't respond , I would completely validate those feelings. But for me? Nope. I guess its because I have always been the person that doesn't need people. You also hit the nail on the head with the behaviours + my continued silence. I silently stew and add them to my wall of grievances .

In the past, I've found that both me and my T benefitted from time out occasionally. Maybe you could use that time to do a dbt course, or just experience life. But come back after an agreed period of time and see if you feel differently?

Good advice, and I think the key is an agreed upon period of time. The fact is, is that 6 years into this I actually have developed a lot of skills and if no new stuff is being overturned can manage my symptoms relatively well. I took a DBT course and I loved it. I started eating properly, my pot use decreased significantly and I started exercising regularly. I just cant manage to do those things while actively digging through my past.

I'm biased, because I know how my mind works, but reading your story I thought it was most likely to be the increased focus on traumatic memories that set off the rest of the problems. I think the increased difficulty in trusting and communicating comes along with the spike in symptoms generally. It makes sense that as you get closer to addressing childhood trauma you would also get closer to the lack of trust and sense of unreliability.

If I was in your position I would want to spend a little time on unpicking how much was based on your T's real failings, which as a human being he must have, and then push even harder to continue that focus on the trauma. I say I would want to do that, but I know how hard it would be, and I don't honestly know If I would manage it.

Yes, to everything you wrote. Especially "It makes sense that as you get closer to addressing childhood trauma you would also get closer to the lack of trust and sense of unreliability". I had to type it out, so it sticks in my brain :)

Ugh. I know I should bring this up, and especially talk about how much is based on his actual failings and how much is my own defense mechanisms trying to avoid and stall doing the deeper work. This stuff is so hard sometimes.

Thanks for all the feedback as it has certainly given me the alternative perspective I was hoping for. Prior to posting this I just wasn't going to show up for my next appointment....! But I'm going and will gingerly tip my toe into addressing these things. I leave in a couple of hours , wish me luck!

 

[Tinyflame]

Good luck to you.