Is T uncomfortable??

[loui50]

So...in my last session with T she asked me at what point intimacy becomes uncomfortable. We've been talking about mine and my husbands intimacy issues for a couple of weeks. It is a very uncomfortable conversation for me and T knows this. However when she asked at what point it becomes uncomfortable she giggled. She explained that she was thinking, "Are we going to play baseball here." Like 1st base is comfortable but 2nd base isnt. or something along those lines. It makes me feel like she is uncomfortable with the conversation. I mean, she's not sharing intimate details of her relationship, I am. So I feel like she shouldn't be uncomfortable. Am I wrong? Am I even making sense?

I didn't answer her question. I couldn't as it was just too personal at that moment. I have emailed her the answer as she told me to. But she didn't respond back which bothers me.

 

[Justmehere]

I’d suggest asking her if she is uncomfortable.

 

[grit]

I sensed at least three or four distinct and different issues and some are too far and too deep for me to get into right now:
Intimacy question - re baseball symbol
your feelings about you and your husband
You felt she is uncomfortable
she has not responded to your question

I can only share with you my reaction to your story and please take what resonates with you and leave the rest as my own spillage into your story.

It is my feeling that the baseball story is about you and her. I think there is some disconnection and she is trying to gauge your feelings about that. I think if you were to answer how intimate you are with her - you would probably say first base...but I could be wrong. Only you know the answer. The T is wondering though.

It is also my feeling your issues with your husband involving intimacy is similar to your issues to your T in such that for whatever reason you and your husband stuck also on the first base (I am not fan of baseball so I am using this bases assuming first base is like high five or kiss on the cheek). So in reality, the difficulty is your husband wants to go deeper bases or you do and the therapist definitely wants to go second or third or fourth base with you in terms of theraputic alliance like trust and safety and such...I am not sure if she is going about it the right way and maybe this is turning you off but she is trying in a humorous way.

You felt she is uncomfortable. I am going to be bold here and say you felt uncomfortable and you are projecting this uncomfort to her. Again if my spillage is too strong, please ignore me. I do not see why a therapist would feel uncomfortable about this especially since you also acknowledge she does not talk about her relationship. This goes without saying but do you sometimes give or assign your feelings to others?

The last point - she has not responded to your answer. I do not have feeling other than maybe that is good idea and she wants to share her thoughts in your next session but she should acknowledge the email but maybe she will and she has not had a chance to read it. Too many variables about this so I will leave it at that.

I hope my comments are helpful.

 

[loui50]

Thank you @grit grifor your reply. I often project my feelings on others. You might be right. I was really uncomfortable with the question. Maybe I'm projecting my feelings on her. Maybe she was just trying to give me a more comfortable way to answer her.

 

[FauxLiz]

@loui50 I am going to go in a different direction than @grit but I would say that you are on track with questioning if she is uncomfortable with the topic/discussion. You are both adults talking about a very sensitive and difficult subject. In my opinion just as with discussions about trauma, the discussion about intimacy issues with your husband are her responsibility to 1) show you it is not a shameful topic, 2) show you that it is possible to discuss difficult topics with someone you trust. Her use of the baseball metaphor to me is childish like teenagers discussion how far they went with their boy/girl friend but you didn't want to actually say the details.

 

[somerandomguy]

On the other hand, if your T sensed you were squeamish about talking about the details, then I think using the baseball metaphor was perfectly apt. It may not have worked for you, but I think it was coming from a place of respecting your boundaries.

 

[loui50]

@FauxLiz and @somerandomguy Thank you for your response. She has also made the comment that she "feels like she is prying" when she asked me a different question. I really don't know if she is feeling uncomfortable or if she is afraid of making me too uncomfortable to talk anymore. She is asking a lot of questions because I can't just come right out and talk about it. It is kind of our way. I suggest a topic and if I can't talk, she asks questions until we get a dialog going. In this particular situation I'm just not comfortable talking freely. Like I need to know what she NEEDS to know to help me. Our solution to the uncomfortable question was that I would email her the answer when I was ready before my next session. I did email her. Now I'm a bit scared to go tomorrow because its like this information is just hanging out there and I don't know if she is comfortable with it. I know I'm not. But I have started dissociating during intimate moments with my husband and if I'm going to have a healthy adult relationship with my husband, I have to talk about this. I just need her to be okay with it.

 

[somerandomguy]

I want to suggest that if you've had a good relationship with your T up to this point, there is very little chance that she'll suddenly be unprofessional about this topic. Therapists have to talk about sex and every permutation of sex literally all the time. Logically, she'll be totally fine with it.

But if it would help, why not just ask her at the beginning of your session "Hey, are you OK discussing this stuff?"

 

[loui50]

there is very little chance that she'll suddenly be unprofessional about this topic.

You are probably right. Thanks for pointing this out. I've been seeing her for over 2 years and we have a good relationship. She has been practicing for 27 years, so surely she has dealt with this before. If I have the nerve I might just ask her. I have a feeling her answer would be something along the lines of it doesn't matter if she is comfortable, It's my therapy. She has had to reassure me many times that I can talk about anything I need to, it's my therapy. Also, she is the one that said we need to talk about this as she thinks and now I know it relates to my childhood.

 

[piratelady]

I did email her. Now I'm a bit scared to go tomorrow because its like this information is just hanging out there and I don't know if she is comfortable with it.

I don't have a lot to contribute regarding the main point of your post, but I think there is some excellent feedback already. I do want to say though - when I hit a point where I can't really discuss something during my appointment, my therapist has suggested that I email him. He typically doesn't respond or the response is to simply say thank you. Then we discuss it verbally at the following appointment, except he can drive the conversation more since he has more information to work with. I guess my point in saying this is that I don't think you would worry too much about her lack of a response to your email, like don't let that add on to the worry you already have, if that makes sense.

 

[Justmehere]

However when she asked at what point it becomes uncomfortable she giggled. She explained that she was thinking, "Are we going to play baseball here." Like 1st base is comfortable but 2nd base isnt. or something along those lines. It makes me feel like she is uncomfortable with the conversation.

The way I read this is someone who is super comfortable with it, and if anything, might be trying to just work with the metaphor. I could be totally wrong, but my different reading of this just goes to show that there are many possible interpretations. For example, I have a hard time talking about a certain office. I call it "the Borg office," instead of it's real name. My therapist is fine with it. I'm the one who isn't. I could see her saying, "are we going to be Star Trek crew members now?" out of her being super comfortable with the subject.

Therapists often think differently than clients. That's why we hire them. I highly doubt she is uncomfortable with it, and you are right, that it doesn't matter if she is ok with it. The real issue is that you are uncomfortable with it.

But I think it's important to ask her about this, because it's affecting your process with it. I hope that she can reassure you that she has talked about all this stuff before. It really sounds like she actually wants to talk about it, and if anything, is gently trying to challenge you a little on your avoidance.

Btw, I have a super hard time with this stuff in therapy too. Keep up the good work to talk about it!

 

[loui50]

Thanks @piratelady. I've emailed her before and she almost always responds. I'm thinking the difference this time is that we agreed to the email in session and said we would talk further in the next session. It would have been nice to at least get and thank you or I recieved your email. But I know she is busy.