Is This a Veiled Threat?

[sara soda]

Hi. I hope I don't have the completely wrong forum for this. I'm not sure if I have PTSD, but my therapist I just started seeing seems to think so. For the past few years I have kept to myself for the most part. Less anxiety that way. But now that I'm going back to therapy and thinking about trying to make real connections with people I'm feeling some anxiety. In particular, there's been a guy I've been emailing. I've enjoyed our conversations, but sometimes he says something or just uses a word that either triggers something scary from my past, or else I am seeing through him and realizing he might be dangerous. I can't tell which. I feel embarrassed writing this because I'm afraid I'm blowing things all out of proportion. This is what he said that triggered something:

seriously, if your life is so much shit right now, why not work and get a small boat, and set sail like so many other people have done. you might be lost at sea, but you could get run over, or murdered tomorrow - probably safer at sea! if you come back, you will come back a different person guaranteed!

Now, we had been emailing alot about sailing before this. He knows how to sail and I am possibly interested in learning to sail in the future. So that is the context of this excerpt. Maybe there is not near enough context for you to be able to tell if there's anything ominous here.

I've been obsessing on the word "murdered". Like, why did he use that word instead of killed? The word killed I don't think would have scared me as much. A person can be killed by a natural disaster, but they are not murdered by one. Only a person willfully and unjustly murders another person. Murder is a stronger, more personal word. Was he making some sort of veiled threat or insinuating something harmful? Then I thought that maybe he might have used that word because he is British. Maybe murder is readily used instead of the word killed in British English.

Anyway, I'm driving myself nuts. I've enjoyed conversation with this guy, but I've backed off lately because I've gotten a little freaked. Do I sound completely paranoid or obsessive? Or can anyone relate to what I'm saying?

There have been other things he's said too that have caused little concerns or triggers. I am so used to listening for tone and anything that feels irregular. I just don't know if this is just emotionally flashing me back or whether I'm really sensing something.

 

[upstream]

At first glance it looks like sarcasm, but at second glance like possible manipulative language... but I don't know him, you, or your situation well enough to comment on his intent.

Communication experts estimate that over 90% of communication is non-verbal... meaning body language, tone, etc. The difficulty with written communication is that it is often difficult to convey intent. Friends of mine banned themselves from instant messaging because the misunderstandings it caused did damage to their relationships. Poke around this forum, you'll find single statements that cause misunderstandings and result in pages of debates and apologies and people getting accidentally offended. I have been guilty of mis-interpreting others emails on plenty of occasions.

In my humble opinion...

If this is a single incident, might be wise to let it go or call him and ask what he meant by it. If this is not an isolated feeling or incident with him... if there has been a pattern of allusions and misunderstandings and manipulative language (telling you who you are, for example) in face to face communication... it would warrant further analysis into the relationship to determine if you are being manipulated or controlled.

If it's just his emails bothering you, I would recommend the phone...

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

He did say you could get "run over" meaning 'killed' before he said murdered. He could have said killed instead of run over, but I think it's just his way of communicating. He used 3 analogies of what could happen; Lost at Sea, Run Over, Murdered.

IMO it does sound a little sarcastic like upstream stated, but I don't think he intentialy meant anything by murder because he also used two other types of incidents.

If he is going to be sarcastic I would back off a little bit just to see if he was having a bad day or if he is abusive. Time will tell, but take it slow if you really want to know him.

Peace
Tammy

 

[upstream]

Good point Tammy. He could simply be trying to convey "Sure life at sea is dangerous, but then again, so is life on land!" in a clever and witty manner.

He could have the best of intentions, just giving you fun advice as to how to get better. After all, he does know you have an interest in sailing.

 

[Deleted member 541]

IMO...It just sounds like something someone would say that isn't quite clear with what PTSD is all about, and doesn't know how it might have upset you. I don't think he meant harm, intentionally or otherwise. Just a statement that anyone would make.

I think it's your paranoia working overtime.

 

[sara soda]

I've been afraid I've been blowing things out of proportion. I can see that it would be difficult for any of you to know with just this little information I've given. Maybe I reacted so strongly to that word because of some other things he said. He told me that life was a game and that we needed to learn how to play it better. I told him I did not agree. But maybe he did not mean it as strongly as I took it. Maybe life is in a sense a game, like a lawyer trying to win their case, not in the sense that a sociopath means life is a game, and people are their playthings.

This kind of fear is a fairly common occurence with me. Usually I don't say anything, but often just go away, because I get scared. Many times I able to just rationalize it until I'm able to get away. Now I think I know why I mainly take just temp jobs, because I do not have to fear being trapped. I wonder how many people with PTSD are temps.

One big incident I had was in my early 30's I think. I was working in this office. There was this guy there, and I don't know why, but some way he moved or talked triggered something, and I got EXTREMELY scared. I had never had any run-ins with this guy. In fact he seemed like a nice guy. But this fear was potent, and I thought I was foreseeing the future, and I thought I'd better pay attention. I was positive he was going to come in the next morning with a gun and try to shoot everyone. After being off work and home for awhile, and the feeling not going away, I looked up my boss' phone # in the phonebook and called her telling her of my fears of what I thought he was going to do. She tried to reassure me, saying that she had known him for many years and that he would not do anything. I knew I must have sounded ridiculous to her, but I still had that fear. The next morning I came to work before anyone got there and took all my stuff out of the office. I never came back. Maybe a year later I saw that guy in the library, and he saw me. We made eye contact shortly, before he just hung his head as if in shame. I felt SOOOOOO bad. He did not seem angry at me, but ashamed of himself. I didn't mean to hurt him. I just had that feeling so strong back then that something violent was going to happen.

Since that incident, if I ever have such strong feelings, I don't say anything to anyone (with the exception of my last boyfriend). I just go away so I don't get hurt in case I am right. Seems better to stay away so that I am not hurt, and so that I do not hurt an innocent person by not trusting them, and accusing them of things they have no plans on doing. I don't want to confront them with my fear either, because if I am right, and they were at all on the fence about committing violence, the confrontation might just help them decide to be violent.

My last boyfriend (he died) had PTSD worse than I have it, and he used to hurt me badly by accusing me of what I considered completely outlandish things, saying I thought everything was just a game to me, which our relationship absolutely was not to me. But when he felt backed into a corner or trapped, he could get really scared. I've been able to forgive him. Maybe I can learn to forgive myself. I know it is not my intention to hurt people with accusations. I'm just trying to keep myself safe.

 

[2quilt]

I don't know, i would not want to talk with this person. he triggers me.

My 2 cents.

 

[Damiea]

Hello, I don't have PTSD but am a sort of carer.

Just to give you a different possibility and another perspective... He could be telling you that bad things can happen at any time and any where. So why worry all the time about what could, might, possibly happen. If he enjoys sailing then I am guessing he thinks of sailing out into the open ocean as very relaxing and his way of getting away from everything.

I'm thinking he isn't all that worried about getting lost at sea because he is familiar with the ocean and sailing and knows how to navigate and find his way back. Like when he said.. You might set sail and get lost.. then said.. if you come back. In a way this sounds more like something he has done to get away from it all.. or like how some on this forum have talked about running away when upset. Just a different life style.. at sea.. or on land.

But again.. this is an online relationship. And there really are strange and dangerous people online that do look for someone they can use or manipulate or even victimize. I would be careful.. and if you are getting triggered then no matter what I would tell him you don't like that kind of talk and won't keep talking to him if he continues in this way.

Stay safe and don't ever be scared to ask questions!

 

[sara soda]

thank you all for your feedback. i'm feeling ok about it now. i vaguely told him i had some ptsd stuff going on. i will just have to tell him when he says something that triggers me. we have been having a good conversation for the most part. honestly i think almost anyone (well, at least almost any man) could say or do something at some point that would trigger something. what a way to live. get close, run away, get close, run away...

i think i need to remember that this guy is not even in the US, and that if ever a time came to meet him, it would be in a public place until such time as i felt comfortable, if ever. he has a sailboat, and maybe i thought he was passively trying to ask me to come sailing with him. no way!!! talk about feeling trapped! and then you hear those stories about women being killed and dumped in the middle of the ocean. if i ever decide to pursue sailing i think it will have to be by myself or a whole lot of people.

 

[spiritofnow]

Sara-soda, I can totally relate!

I am British if this helps you - what I get from the passage is that he is talking from his perspective of enjoying being on the ocean. He seems to be using his passion as an analorgy for 'what have you got to loose' by making a new life choice, taking a new direction. He then seems to counterbalance that with the fact that yes the sea can be a dangerous place but so then is life in general, perhaps his examples of how that is, were not very thought through.

When I first read your thread I chuckled to myself - NOT at you - but because I too have tied myself up in knots over a word that someone has used etc etc and still do at times. It's amazing being on the forum and seeing all of these familiar reflections of my behaviour :-)

My issue was/is TRUST and my hypervigilance was not just in the physical sense of making sure my direct environment was/is safe, but also to assimilate how people would communicate in order to ensure that I was safe.

It's because we are so geared up into fight or flight mode that we make these connections. It's okay that this happens and you are not alone. The important part is that you are beginning to recognise this and soon you will understand why (if you don't already know).

It is sensible to protect yourself and perhaps chattng online is saffest while you feel vulnerable - no direct threat. But it is impractical to go through life and discount everyone who triggers you as that is not good for you - you need to understand why they trigger you and then work through the route cause.

I am learning to make these choices and I used to and still do at times drive myself nuts with whether I can trust people and not knowing how to , or being to afraid to trust.

You will get there!

Spirit x

 

[Grama-Herc]

Sara Soda

Please realize first of all that I have issues with trust. However, that guys would scare the hell out of me.

There is just to much uncertainty in the comments he has made to you. I would come right out and ask him what the hell did he mean by those statements? Ask him just exactly was he trying to tell you.

Then tell him if statements like that continue, you won't be. I know that sounds harsh, but there are a lot of nuts on the internet and you must be careful. Just sounds way to creepy to me. Have you asked your friends what their opinion is? That might give you some different view points to consider

 

[2quilt]

One of the problems with email and chat and written communication in general is that we can't see the other person's face or hear the voice so we can gather more clues to interpret sarcasm, humor, threatening tones, or otherwise be able to tell if that other person is sincere.

Many times I have made mistakes by misinterpreting what I have read because when we read, we have only that one form of information, and not the added convenience of visual and auditory like when we speak in person.

As I have learned recently, it's best to clarify and not assume.