Is This As Good As It Gets?

[Ed Norton]

Very interesting, it makes sense to me. Also I've read that delusions are more frequently observed in combat related PTSD.

 

[anthony]

I should add... this is exactly where spouses like @dimplesg520 become innocent victims in all this. It isn't the military, it isn't PTSD, it isn't even really the veterans, fault in all this... it's purely that doing that type of work has this inherent risk involved that none of us really understand going into the job. We all think this won't happen to us, but statistically we have something like a 30% chance of getting PTSD, or close enough symptoms, from going to combat zones.

Spouses just get the rough end of the pineapple, innocent and have to deal with the aftermath. I have two ex-wives as a result... this stuff isn't a game, or made-up in a persons head... circumstances are what they are.

I'm really sorry @dimplesg520 that you're going through this. It is a nightmare for all concern... one minute you have the man you love, the next a monster appears. No rhyme, no reason... PTSD and combat trauma equal chaos to the extreme.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@anthony thankyou for the insight on combat related PTSD. I see these symptoms expressed by so many supporters, and it is really heartbreaking. War sucks.

 

[The Albatross]

Is this as good as it gets? Not for him perhaps in the longer term. But for you? Maybe. It is up to you to determine what you will and will not accept and provide for your own well being in the longer term. Boundaries, get some. Evaluate the commitment and there is no shame in ditching out if need be for your own stability.

Only you can define what or where the line is. Love is not the cliche' "never having to say you're sorry", it is a partnership bond. Where one partner is injured, the other can stabilize or propel or maintain... but it is not a permanent fix. It is a fine line between enabling and being a loving partner.

 

[Sighs]

@anthony - thank you for your articulate insight into combat PTSD. I struggle with my vet's anger every day. He honestly doesn't see the difference between "Well sweetie if your horse is playing up why don't you lead for a while?" and "If you can't control your f*cking horse you f*cking lead! Useless stinking civvie c*nts!". Sigh!

 

[anthony]

You're welcome. It takes time for a combat veteran to change behaviours that have basically been psychologically instilled within him. Again though, they have to want to change, and that starts with recognising when they use a negative method, stop themselves, think about it, and change their output to something toned down and not so hard core military, as though talking to soldiers or such. It takes the military a short amount of time to program a soldier, even shorter once practical application is applied in combat... and then years, decades even, to undo that programming.

Psychology is at play in soldiers, and we're talking the best psychology in behavioural manipulation there is, is at work in training soldiers. It's not natural for a person to run towards bullets, bombs and such, but military training reprograms you to do just that, and it works. You have a better chance of survival seeing what is coming at you, then taking appropriate action, than running in the opposite direction. Very hard to break that psychology out of a combat veteran.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm not saying "STAY!" but I want to question if things really aren't getting any better on any fronts? I ask this because I notice that many people expect changes in leaps and bounds. They expect us to go to therapy and come out with highly visible improvement. Sadly, this is rarely the case. Changes are usually very small. So small that they are hardly even detectable in the moment, but if you look at all those changes over a year, then they are perceivable.

I'm not saying "STAY!" because after all that you've said, it doesn't appear that he is ready for a relationship yet.

In my own experience, things can get a heck of a lot worse before they get better. I think I'll leave it at that for now. But, that doesn't mean you should stay.

 

[dimplesg520]

First of all, thank you all so much for all of your advice and input. I haven’t answered right away because I have been taking the past few days to think about what you all have said and really let it sink in before I just answer right away. I definitely agree that the relationship is abusive and that I need to distance myself from him. It is difficult right now as I am not able to work because I am disabled and have been relying on his income. But there are social services that can help with that and I can also start saving money on the side so that I can get my own place. It won’t be immediate but I can start doing it now so that hopefully soon I can move out and keep myself safe. In the meantime, I am always on alert anyway. He found out yesterday he will be transferring to a post in Virginia on November 12 (I’m not allowed to go because we aren’t married), so at least then I will feel safer knowing that he can’t just show up and surprise me (it’s about 7 hours away) and I will be able to regain some sort of sense of safety and peace of mind.

@shimmerz I have been concerned about getting secondary PTSD and am constantly doing self-awareness checks on myself. It’s easy to fall into that and let what he says about me become what I feel about myself. Luckily I have a strong support system who constantly tells me otherwise. I am looking into getting therapy because you’re right, I need someone to help me through this and just to re-affirm from a professional standpoint the things I need to do.

I do agree with all of you who have said that me staying and just sticking it through is enabling him. He doesn’t seem to have much, if any, motivation, and me staying and just putting up with it certainly doesn’t provide any, either. Maybe by leaving he will see that hey, what he’s doing is wrong. I have tried time and again to set boundaries and he treats them like they’re a joke. I hold up my end of the boundary and either stop communicating or walk away or whatnot, but he just rolls his eyes or plays the whole “blah blah blah” thing. So obviously, he doesn’t take it seriously.

@Solara I certainly never expected a magical poof! of change when he went into therapy. I understand that years and years of combat won't be fixed in one years' worth of therapy, and I agree with what you are saying about looking back being the best way to gauge the progress. The only thing that I can see that has changed is that he is having less drunken outbursts, which is because his command put him in AA and is making him take a shot that makes him not crave alcohol. Other than that, I think he is actually worse/the same. His temper is the same, lack of patience, money spending, etc. In between then and now, he actually improved.. and then got worse again. I know about the relationship thing with therapy, but we had been dating a year and a half before he started his therapy... I guess we thought that basis would make a difference.

@anthony Thank you so much for your insight. It's so helpful to have people like you on here because I certainly would never be able to get that information out of my boyfriend in the calm manner you provided it, but its so insightful. From the time he deployed until now, I have read over 100 books about PTSD and memoirs soldiers have written about being in battle (mostly the Iraq/Afghanistan wars) and watched every educational documentary on them that there is. I wanted to do my best to learn what it was like for him since I have never gone through anything similar, and won't. I know that his behaviors are "typical" of PTSD, and I know that they are based in the way that the Army trains you. From the minute you step into basic, they take all civilian remnants out of you and mold you into what the Army wants you to be, and it is so far from the mindset we civilians are used to. Because of that, it makes it so hard for them to integrate back into society, and unfortunately, the Army (or any branch) tends to just leave them hanging when it's time to go back and they're struggling. It's almost like they need to go to a civilian boot camp, where they can unprogram the Army mindset and reprogram into the civvie mindset because it's so different. I have read so much because I want to understand and see where he's coming from, and I try very hard to. I don't expect immediate results, and I never have. That's why I have stayed through all of this stuff that many others would have left long ago from. I know it's not his fault and that something else is controlling his brain. I know it takes a LOT to get that undone.

My problem is that he doesn't seem to be trying, and the attitude he has with it. He misses his appointments, his meetings, doesn't go to therapy. He knows the tools -- he can recite them to me. But he doesn't put them into action. If you want what you've always gotten, you have to do what you've always done... ad that's what is going on. The problem is that "always" is full of bad things, and he lacks the desire to change those things. I don't know how else to motivate him because he has lost so much already from the toll of PTSD, but maybe leaving him is the push he needs to help himself.

 

[anthony]

He misses his appointments, his meetings, doesn't go to therapy.

He avoids these things because his cup is already full / overflowing. If you want to help him get to therapy, then you need to help him identify any and all stressors in his immediate surrounding and remove as many as possible. You need to get him to understand alcohol only numbs the pain, it doesn't remove it, same with drugs, and that he needs to get rid of any such bad habits now so he can feel things in order to deal with them. If you can't feel the feeling, you can't resolve it... and that is hard for most veterans to understand as military training dictates to push that down and use it to get angry at the enemy. The problem... is that the enemy is now created by whoever is front of you.

If you leave, you must do so for the right reasons, not the wrong. Thinking it will change him is the wrong reasoning... leaving because you need to feel safe, whilst hoping it kicks him in the backside to improve, is the right reason. It may, it may not make him change. Chances are it may make him worse, more destructive... and again, that is not an excuse for you to stay if the case, but to seek safety and security, time alone to ponder and see what happens.

Well done for being so proactive in learning how to help him... though what you have to do is help yourself first, then what is left within you, help him with. It's like an oxygen mask in an airplane... you first, because if you go down, you can't help another when passed out.