Is This It?

[Deleted member 1860]

So if I were weak I'd be dead by now? Strength sucks.

 

[Shellbell]

As Loveneverfails said above so well, even if they don't care, you deserve to live for you.

Your measure of worth is not in other people's opinion of you, whether they be family, friends, society. You have succeeded in life, you have survived things no child/woman should ever have to suffer. In my opinion, you are an amazing success, to be here, alive, intelligent, articulate, coping with things most people never have to go through.

You deserve to be here and alive SOL, and keep moving towards further healing. I believe in your strength to do that.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

But that's just it. I don't want to live. I don't want to be here. I never asked to be born. I never wanted to be born. Maybe that's a foreign concept. I just don't want any of this.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Strength sucks.

It so does in times like these, but the alternative isn't any better. And if these feelings pass in time, then the alternative isn't actually a solution. Survival is.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

These feelings come and go. I'm never free of them. I fail to see why suicide isn't a solution. I have no future. This is as good as it gets. I'm not going to wake up one day and suddenly have friends or people who love me. I KNOW I'm hated. There really is no reason to stay.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I just don't want any of this.

I know the feeling. I can't tell you that feeling will change, I can only tell you that there may come a time when you realize what you don't want are the memories, the pain, the difficulty that life signifies for you because of what happened. And that someday, you may understand that and realize you want life, just not the suffering that has come with it. It may seem impossible now, but it can and has happened for others, it can happen for you. You may even remember other times when you felt like this and found a way to trudge on.

You need to find a reason, just one, no matter how big or small, and cling to it. No one else can find that reason for you, but you do need to find it, don't let yourself slip any deeper. You've worked too hard to let them win. They don't deserve anything at all, you deserve to give yourself everything.

 

[Shellbell]

SOL, we cannot predict what the future holds for us. Until recently, I didn't have anyone who truly cared about me and my wellbeing. My family never cared. It has taken me until I'm 41, to even start to believe people in my life now actually do care and only now do I have people who love me in my life.

If I had ended things in previous dark times, I would be have not given myself the chance for things to get better. Suicide would not have been the better option.

The future can be better for you than it is now. It is worth fighting for.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't have any reason to live.

Trudge on for what? I am a miserable person. I know this. Everyone around me knows this. Hell, everyone here even knows this. Nobody deserves to be burdened by someone with PTSD. It is SELFISH of me to stay...

I just found my motivation.... It is selfish of me to be here. It is selfish of me to be a bother and burden to my family. It is selfish of me to be a drain on society. I can't be selfish anymore.

 

[Shellbell]

You're not being selfish. You didn't ask for the trauma. It wasn't something you made a choice to have happen to you. You are in no way responsible for what happened, so you are in no way being selfish.

There are many people here who cannot work, me being one of them. We cannot work because we have been injured badly and just because it isn't a visible illness, doesn't make it any less needing of assistance in disability payments than anyone else claiming it.

And yes, you may be miserable at times, I am too. We have a right to be miserable and angry for the life we have endured.

But we don't know what the future holds, I want to believe it can get better, for you, me and everyone on here struggling every day.

 

[Abstract]

SOL,

I have not "known" you very long and obviously dont know you terribly well but I think I have seen some of the spectrum of who you are. I have seen you in this state of mind where you cannot believe that there is any good in you or in others and I have seen you be compassionate and understanding and intelligent and wanting to have relationships with others. I suspect the first place or space of being is a lot to do with trauma and less to do with who you really are.

Trauma essentially creates mud coloured glasses. I have seen it for myself as I have become more aware and have had moments of being a bit better. I know you will probably say that this is something that is always there but I think there is more to these things.

Y

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I didn't ask for the trauma but it is my fault for how I act. If I was a better person I would be able to work, I would have friends, I would be able to be normal for gods sake. There are lots and lots and lots of people who were traumatized and are just fine. There is something wrong with me for not being able to do those things. So yes, I am being selfish. If I wasn't selfish I wouldn't be a burden to my family and I wouldn't be taking handouts.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Firstly(and I'm sorry for the lengthy post), I think right now the people who should be supporting you have sent you the message that they don't care and that because they openly hate you, no one else will ever love you. That because they don't want to be bothered, you are at fault for being a thinking, feeling, needing human being. Whether you realize it or not, I think you've absorbed that message and started believing it. It isn't true. The possibility for friendship and love is there for you as much as it is for anyone else.

The people who hurt you try to tear you down and conquer you for their own purposes. Their intent is not to show you your worth, it is to try and assign you the worth they think you should have. Do not believe the people who hurt you. Don't turn to them for comfort when they are the deepest cause of your pain. No one here cares one lick if you are as 'miserable' as you claim to be. We aren't judging you. We've all been judged so much ourselves that we know how that feels. You are free to be you here, free to feel, think and need, just like every other human being who ever walked this earth. PTSD isn't selfish, it's a disorder that you didn't ask for just like you said. Who would?

It would hurt me and others here if you left far more than it would your absentee supporters if you stayed. If it really is a question of who cares, that is the honest truth. They say they don't care, WE DO. And although we are at a keyboard thousands of miles away, we are still human beings with breakable hearts just like you, who have stood in similar places and felt achingly similar emotions. We care and in my opinion, and I apologize for the bluntness, it would be selfish to ignore that.