Is This It?

[Loveneverfails]

There is something wrong with me for not being able to do those things.

Yes, there is something wrong with you. You survived trauma like Shellbell said. It wasn't your choice to be hurt. It wasn't your choice to have the biological make up and the set of circumstances that caused your PTSD. It isn't your choice now to deal with things that have you hating yourself for struggling. More than that, to a certain extent it isn't your 'fault' for how you act. You have a disorder, a mental illness, and that means you aren't at fault for some of the things you struggle with. It isn't a question of being a better person. You are sick, every bit as much as a person with a physical illness, yours just hides itself in the brain rather than in the body for the world to see. It's just as difficult to treat, just as painful, but deceptively disguised.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

And actually, you have it backwards. The nice me is when I can fake it. The horrid me is who I am underneath it all, when I don't give a damn about appearances.

 

[Mary Black]

There really is no reason to stay.

Most likely some part of you knows that what life is all about is love and that when a person kills themselves they deny love to others and to themselves. I will be your friend if you want. People blow me off most of the time too so I need friends badly. I'm sorry because I know how much that hurts.

 

[Abstract]

. So yes, I am being selfish. If I wasn't selfish I wouldn't be a burden to my family and I wouldn't be taking handouts.

I do not know the history of what your family has been to you or your relationship but I have seen here how you got into a place where you cant accept peoples care on here. It is like you put a wall up to stop any of that getting to you. That is not a judgment in any way at all and is merely an observation and I say it with care. :)

There is also a lot of black and white thinking about your relationships with others. If they fail in any way then then they would be happier with you dead and with the knowledge that you took your own life.

If you do this here with those that are not in your physical world I have no doubt you do it with people in your physical world too. It makes me sad as it seems to me that maybe it is too risky or frightening to let in the possibility that others can care about you or mean well. I hope you dont mind me saying that.

Patterns of thinking like these and all that comes along with it are things that can change. Have you done proper long term DBT before? I am not talking about a week or two and rather the year course. I know for most that have entrenched thinking like this it can be necessary to do the course twice so two years.

I am speaking to you directly but I hope it doesnt make you feel attacked as there is zero of that in my intention and only concern. Noone should feel so excluded from life.

 

[Shellbell]

You are being way too hard on yourself SOL. I want you to have compassion for the woman you are, who has survived trauma you never ever deserved. And you are normal for what you have been through.

And you are not horrid, it is pain that we all struggle to contain. I've been horrible to my friends recently, shutting them out and I didn't mean to be. I was hurt and scared they would hurt me. I'm not judging you for your pain and how that is expressed. All of us here understand that. And we are with you, caring, wanting you to give yourself a chance to let this dark time pass and to live for you, you do absolutely deserve that.

 

[Abstract]

:hug::inlove:

I just want to add that there is a lot of it that I relate to as well and you are far from alone here.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I know I'm at fault for being needy! That's exactly my problem. Nobody wants to be around someone who is pathetically needy!

And I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but I really don't think that anyone here would miss me if I was gone. I was banned for like 6 months earlier this year and nobody cared. Well the person who reported me noticed but he was happy to see me gone.

 

[Mary Black]

Actually, I would love to know someone really needy. Because I'm very giving, and lately very needy, it would be ideal.

Nobody wants to be around someone who is pathetically needy!

 

[Abstract]

((((SOl))))

I dont find you needy at all. And I dont profess to have a relationship with you as I have only known you a short time. But I like your clear voice about things and I would miss seeing you around and more than that I would be deeply genuinely saddened by someone valuable cutting their life short and not giving themselves the chance to claim a better life for themselves. You acting out does not mean that you are not valuable or that others cant value you. I know that there are many here who genuinly care about you.

It is not a black and white thing. Your "bad" bits dont cancel out your worth just like others doesnt either. Splitting is an awfully hard thing to get past but it can be done. If you hang onto anything "bad" about yourself or about others then you cant see yourself or them as you really are - a person with both good and difficult sides. And we can work on and improve the way we act out and you obviously have as it seems you have not been banned in the last 6 months or not for long.

How about answering that DBT question?;)

 

[Loveneverfails]

There is nothing wrong with having needs! Everyone needs something! That is one thing abusers love to pin on their victims, that they shouldn't want or ask for anything and if they do, they are selfish for even breathing the same air. I didn't know you before, I didn't spend much time here then, pretty much only in my diary, but I will back up what Mary said as well. You have a friend now, whether you like it or not and I can tell you this much, I will never think ill of you for being 'horrid' or not giving a damn. I think you'd probably find a lot of people here who feel the same way. None of us can make you accept our help or our friendship, we're just letting you know it's there. You don't have to do this alone, not anymore. None of us do.

 

[Abstract]

Just an added thought. Needs are normal. Not having needs is not normal. Being traumatised and having needs is the most normal thing in the world.

 

[tll]

It is not your fault for being needy. I've thought about this a lot lately... Even though I'm an adult I feel like I need help with so much because of the PTSD and the depression. Then I feel so guilty for needing the help. It's a desperate nagging feeling and I feel like such a burden sometimes. If it was my arm broken or my legs I would need help though and people wouldn't think of me as needy. PTSD is the same thing, it's just our hearts and heads that our broken. When we start shutting out people because they could hurt us, we're also shutting out the people that could help us the most. If you ever need anything we are all here for you, and that's an awesome thing. You have soapy people at the touch of a button that know just how you feel and have ways to help. What really made me start feeling better other than a lot of medicine changes, therapy, and this forum... Was the book the courage to heal. It gave me a chance to work on myself without needing so much help. I hope you stick things out and have brighter days- I hope I do too even. ((( hugs)))