Is this ptsd related?

[Acaw]

Males and females naturally communicate much differently to begin with. Then add years of tragic and traumatic events and the communication gets even more scattered and tattered. I really dig the chicken pecking explanation, as a sufferer, it truly does feel like being pecked at, at times, to try to help others better understand. I simply don't have the energy and resources to pull from in order to support myself at times, much less find enough for everyone else who is supposedly higher functioning than I am yet still claims they just can't "get" me. A friend once suggested checking out a book called The Five Love Languages and it really opened my eyes to how different every individual's needs are. Be it romantically or otherwise. We think we can pick up what another is feeling, but we're really only picking up on our perceived understanding based on how we've always felt about things in our own circumstances.

 

[Ijot]

The male female thing is another aspect. So true! I'll check out that book. Sounds like a good one.

 

[Remiwo]

Do you tell your partner you need to reboot whatever and to give you some space or time?

Honestly he usually figures it out before I do these days, but we have been together a long time so he knows the signs. I'm notorious for just taking off, so it took a long time for us to come to a place where I could stay home and still isolate.

You do need to set some ground rules, but you have to wait for him to be ready. As I think you have gathered by the responses, you can't have a rational conversation when hes like this. Once he is grounded again you can have a talk about what you BOTH need when things get to be too much and what you want that to look like. But -- He may not know what he needs other than "leave me alone.' I never do. I just know I can't breathe and need space. So our agreement is that I'm able to take off, but I have to call him at least once a day to tell him I'm safe.

Also, if he's not in counseling you may want to rethink the whole thing. You CANNOT fix him. It takes the help of professionals, the sufferer has to be willing to do the work, and it takes a long time.... .

 

[Fava]

It depends on how deep the isolation needs to be. I am the queen of putting on a happy face at work because I refuse to...

I'm so glad you shared this. It applies to me and my sufferer.

 

[Usah]

what about your other responsibilities if you have them? Work and the like?

Speaking just for myself, work saves my life. I love what I do, it's totally absorbing, and it means I don't have to think about anything else. If it doesn't require too many people skills, that kind of thing is a great place to hide.

 

[Itib]

You have so many questions. And there is no set answer to any of them. People in ltr with PTSD in the mix learn from trial and error.

Read around the supporters forums most if not all of your questions will be answered. But not always to your liking.

I do know one thing though if your friend is isolating you need to let him do it without blaming him or making it about yourself. It's his way of coping with his stress. If it's not something you can deal with you may want to rethink this relationship.

Use the "search forums" feature, you can look up any topic you may be dealing with.

Best of luck.

 

[Ijot]

Haha, so funny you say i have so many questions. That's what he said! :)

Yeah I have been around this forum quite a lot over the past several months and I have learned so much, and seem to learn, or maybe understand a little better, every week.

And at this point I am rethinking this relationship. Turns out a fair amount of communication skills are a requirement for me. :woot:

 

[Kiwe]

Turns out a fair amount of communication skills are a requirement for me

That's a totally legitimate need.

 

[Ohozi]

That's a totally legitimate need.

Agreed. This is not an easy road. Knowing if it is or is not for you is a really good thing

 

[Olaf]

The responses have been awesome and I've learned so much about my own self reading them. A lot of the time I don't know what's happening, I just am, but everyone else has explained it so well.

I think what the first responder said was valid. It really doesn't matter why he's doing what he's doing. The question is "Can you live with it?" If you've told someone they're hurting you, and they don't change the behavior - either because they don't want to or because they can't - it still boils down to "Can you live with it?" Your guy might be isolating as a way to punish you or he may be isolating because of his PTSD, but either way his isolating is how he copes in your relationship. It's his go-to coping strategy. It's what he does to be ok in the world. Since you've asked him to change, and he hasn't changed, you can only assume he's not going to change and work from that information.

People using the "selfishness" argument automatically puts me on guard. What I've found in my life is that someone is usually calling me selfish when I'm refusing to give in to their selfishness. When 2 people have actual needs that are in conflict, either it's not selfish for either person to focus on meeting their own needs or it's selfish for both people to want their needs met. Your boyfriend has a need to be alone. You have a need to talk. If he's being selfish, you're being selfish. You can talk to other people. Hopefully you have a life that dosen't revolve around him so you can talk with friends and family until he's in a better space. However he can only meet his own needs by not talking to you. That's the only way he can be ok. So I don't think he's being selfish for trying to save his own life, anymore than you're being selfish trying to make him meet your needs.

You're just two people with conflicting needs.

 

[Uwupo]

^^^Love love love!!!

If someone is meeting a need, it's never selfish. It's called self preservation. Big difference!

Selfishness only comes into play with wants.

IMHO.

 

[Jejes]

These last two posts have been eye-opening for me. When my ex abruptly vanished from my life, she said that she NEEDS to be alone, to not have the pressure of a relationship, to not be accountable to another person. I have interpreted that as selfish, akin to someone just wanting to be singleeeee woooooo! Maybe I should think of it more in terms of a need. That was the word she used anyway. By thinking of it as a need, something that she absolutely had to do for her survival, I don’t take it as personally and can feel that vice around my heart loosen justtttt a bit.