It Hurts.

[Littlebirdy44]

I'm trying. I swear I'm trying to fight this horrible inner voice but it hurts. I'm there emotionally for everyone in my life. I'm compassionate and empathetic towards everyone..people even come to me when they need advice but when I reach out It's like I have some horrible sickness and no one wants to come near me. I don't understand? What's wrong with me? I go from feeling some what useful to a complete burden. It hurts. I finally had the courage to reach out to my friend about the sexual abuse from my childhood and about my current situation and she started this whole group chat with my other friends saying all I wanted was attention and how none of them believed me. One of the friends in the chat let me read it and seeing how they truly felt about me made me feel worthless and like a waste of space. I don't want this anymore. I don't know how to escape this inner voice and I can't find relief anywhere. I feel like I'm drowning and no one cares. Even writing this makes me feel dramatic and ashamed. Hmmm.

 

[Littlebirdy44]

I just wanna make it all go away

 

[Deleted member 38644]

Same happened to me a few years ago. I quit trying. I lost alot of friends but I learned that it's so many people that Is completely aware of PTSD and what can cause it. I rarely talk. Everything I have to say I keeps it to myself. People often find trauma made up and often use it against you. I find that people on these forums are more reliable than anybody. I have not been judged at all

 

[Fadeaway]

It does hurt. You are not being dramatic. Really glad you found us because we believe you and we care. I too know what it is like not to believed and to be filled with so much pain. If only aspirin worked on emotional pain.

I think you will find that a common theme around here is that trauma survivors like us tend to be more empathetic and compassionate as a whole. Then we get burned when we reach out, just like you did. This is the one place in the world that I know is safe to reach out to and that people will listen. We no one else gets it, the people here do because we have all been there.

 

[ladee]

You will be heard here. It does hurt when we feel no one understands or believes us.
Here we understand. Here we believe you.
Glad you are here.

 

[Jadie Rose]

I totally understand all you are sharing. I, too, have lost many friends over the years due to the same things you mentioned. I was such a positive person and would never gossip about any of my friends (I hate gossip, feel like it's a waste of time) so everyone knew they could trust me. What I personally came to understand was most had never been through any kind of deep trauma, everything they complained about was part of everyday life, usually (kid's friends' parents, school issues, work issues,etc.). They never had to worry about those things with me and sort of got used to me not having any issues. But, boy, when I did need them and had issues, they were cruel and would gang up on me and they just did not get it at all...they could not understand what was happening with me and why, all of a sudden, I needed them instead of how it always was, the other way around. I have to find even family does not understand what we are going through, at least in my case, and it hurts when we need those people and they do all the things to us they know for a fact we would never do to them. It sucks, while going through it, and it's not easy, I know...I have isolated myself because I only have a few really good friends left and I do not want to lose them so I just don't call anyone back, or I cancel when we make plans because if I in rage or irritated or very anxious or sad (which is often on all), I already know I am triggered and it's going to be a bad day. It is safe here and we can just be ourselves. I'm glad you're reaching out and dealing with this, it's just a part of our journey towards healing, is how I look at it now. Hugs!

 

[Littlebirdy44]

It does hurt. You are not being dramatic. Really glad you found us because we believe you and we care....

You explained it perfectly. We get burned when we reach out. It's such a calming feeling knowing I'm not the only one and that my feelings are valid. I won't lie I felt pretty defective earlier this morning but after reading your comments I do feel like I've come across a family of people who just understand. It's the best feeling. Thank you! (:

 

[Littlebirdy44]

I totally understand all you are sharing. I, too, have lost many friends over the years due to the s...

This. Ugh this is so me! It's so odd to me that people who care about me choose to gang up on me during difficult times rather than embracing me. Whether or not they believe me we're still friends and they should be supportive right? I couldn't imagine doing that to other person let alone someone I care about. I think maybe it's just their version of tuff love? Idk. I'm trying my best though not to isolate myself because that's when things go really wrong for me. (Even though I've been withdrawing from everything the past 3 months :0 ) I'm still trying. Thanks for making me feel less alone friend it truly means a lot!

 

[Littlebirdy44]

You will be heard here. It does hurt when we feel no one understands or believes us.
Here we understand....

Thank you friend From the bottom of my heart!

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

I'm compassionate and empathetic towards everyone..people even come to me when they need advice but when I reach out It's like I have some horrible sickness and no one wants to come near me.

For the longest time, I remember this happening to me. Not sure if it was a messiah complex for me, or just a desire to see people happy, because I was overly empathetic to the point were other people's problems would interrupt my day to day thoughts and affect my behaviors. I was so done receiving little to nothing when I wanted kindness and understanding that I kept giving more and more, as if somehow that would change the outcome.

I discovered over time that my lack of boundaries just lead to me being more hurt. Sometimes, a balance is needed. Sometimes, it's okay to seperate oneself from others, even if they are in pain. Because if you experience their pain, you're just adding the burden to yourself. You can't think properly sometimes. It's okay to not be emotionally available to people when you, yourself, need to heal and turn the focus of recovery to yourself. It's also okay to not be emotionally available to people who refuse to do the same for you.

It sucks, but I had to learn the heard way that being empathetic sometimes isn't the best solution. Sometimes, you have to be compassionate to yourself first and furthermost, above all else.