So....I've never posted online about my experience. I've only told people I thought I could trust. But this is anonymous so I guess this can help.
I was first sexually assaulted on May 28th 2012. The day is burned into my memory. It had been a few weeks since I'd turned 14 and my also 14 year old boyfriend had been my first kiss the day before my birthday so I thought everything was going fine, we had a safe pace, I was a good girlfriend. Then he started asking me over and over again for sex. I'd get "sex?" as a question over and over. It was haunting me all day every day. He would sit at lunch with me practicing fingering me by fingering my hand under the table and I was mortified and humiliated even though nobody else ever saw. I felt trapped and even when I'd ask him to stop and to lay off, he'd get aggressive and make me feel guilty.
Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke, and in tears I sent him the familiar "sex?" text. He immediately responded and it was worked out somehow that we would meet in a field by a park that was equidistant from our houses to do it. We had no protection even though I told him I wanted him to wear a condom. He told me he'd pull out and if I did get pregnant he could just hit me until I miscarried.
I was terrified for multiple reasons but for some reason I had it in my head that he was the best I would ever have. It may have stemmed from the years of bullying and verbal abuse I'd experienced in elementary and middle school, but I thought that was what relationships were like. My parent's hadn't been happy together either, they divorced two years prior, so I had nothing to compare to that would have made my relationship look abnormal.
I've suppressed the memories of that night and every night following. It went on every night until he left for a family vacation to Bermuda later that summer. Then when he got back he moved. He walked the extra distance a few times but eventually he found other girls. I did not know this at the time but he was also cheating on me.
I remember every month I would stress until my period arrived, usually a few days late due to my anxiety, and every time I was scared he didn't care. He never cared.
Everything was about his ego. He claimed he made me orgasm 27 times in one night, when really I was faking it and telling him it hurt, all the while hoping he would say he was done. He wasn't done until 3 in the morning most nights. We started at midnight.
There was also one time where he told me he had a fantasy about chasing me through the woods and raping me against a tree. He also told me, when I would beg him to stop because it hurt, that my pain made him want to do me harder.
I think I blacked out for most of the ordeals because we would start on one side of a 50 foot field and end up on the other side by the time he was done.
He always kept his shirt on too and it would often times get pushed inside of me. I kept asking him to please fix it but he ignored me.
I don't know why I kept going to that field. I guess it's my fault it kept happening because I kept going back every night but I never said yes. I don't know what to think anymore...
I'm sorry this is so broken up. This is my first post and I really just needed to get the most prevalent thoughts out. I saw the music video for Lady Gaga's new song about campus sexual assault and it triggered a massive panic attack. Please do not watch it if you are easily triggered. Or triggerable at all since I thought I would be fine. It had been several months since my last attack and I thought I was healed enough. Evidently not.
I hope I don't sound whiny. I don't think my friends should have to hear me cry about this even though they're still supportive. This is my fault so I'll have to handle it on my own. Thanks for reading. I'm sorry if this upset you.
I was first sexually assaulted on May 28th 2012. The day is burned into my memory. It had been a few weeks since I'd turned 14 and my also 14 year old boyfriend had been my first kiss the day before my birthday so I thought everything was going fine, we had a safe pace, I was a good girlfriend. Then he started asking me over and over again for sex. I'd get "sex?" as a question over and over. It was haunting me all day every day. He would sit at lunch with me practicing fingering me by fingering my hand under the table and I was mortified and humiliated even though nobody else ever saw. I felt trapped and even when I'd ask him to stop and to lay off, he'd get aggressive and make me feel guilty.
Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke, and in tears I sent him the familiar "sex?" text. He immediately responded and it was worked out somehow that we would meet in a field by a park that was equidistant from our houses to do it. We had no protection even though I told him I wanted him to wear a condom. He told me he'd pull out and if I did get pregnant he could just hit me until I miscarried.
I was terrified for multiple reasons but for some reason I had it in my head that he was the best I would ever have. It may have stemmed from the years of bullying and verbal abuse I'd experienced in elementary and middle school, but I thought that was what relationships were like. My parent's hadn't been happy together either, they divorced two years prior, so I had nothing to compare to that would have made my relationship look abnormal.
I've suppressed the memories of that night and every night following. It went on every night until he left for a family vacation to Bermuda later that summer. Then when he got back he moved. He walked the extra distance a few times but eventually he found other girls. I did not know this at the time but he was also cheating on me.
I remember every month I would stress until my period arrived, usually a few days late due to my anxiety, and every time I was scared he didn't care. He never cared.
Everything was about his ego. He claimed he made me orgasm 27 times in one night, when really I was faking it and telling him it hurt, all the while hoping he would say he was done. He wasn't done until 3 in the morning most nights. We started at midnight.
There was also one time where he told me he had a fantasy about chasing me through the woods and raping me against a tree. He also told me, when I would beg him to stop because it hurt, that my pain made him want to do me harder.
I think I blacked out for most of the ordeals because we would start on one side of a 50 foot field and end up on the other side by the time he was done.
He always kept his shirt on too and it would often times get pushed inside of me. I kept asking him to please fix it but he ignored me.
I don't know why I kept going to that field. I guess it's my fault it kept happening because I kept going back every night but I never said yes. I don't know what to think anymore...
I'm sorry this is so broken up. This is my first post and I really just needed to get the most prevalent thoughts out. I saw the music video for Lady Gaga's new song about campus sexual assault and it triggered a massive panic attack. Please do not watch it if you are easily triggered. Or triggerable at all since I thought I would be fine. It had been several months since my last attack and I thought I was healed enough. Evidently not.
I hope I don't sound whiny. I don't think my friends should have to hear me cry about this even though they're still supportive. This is my fault so I'll have to handle it on my own. Thanks for reading. I'm sorry if this upset you.
