It wasn't sexual abuse

[Lilac98]

@Sideways the counsellor I saw before was specialised in sa and autism she said me thinking a lot about things is completely normal and I'm just trying to make sense of what happened then she gave me the guide about sexual abuse that I posted a picture of here referred to me as a survivor cause I apparently survived what happened to me. Said the nightmares are just normal processing of trauma and that sometimes abuse can come back through nightmares.

 

[Lilac98]

@OliveJewel sexual abuse and sexual assault can both be one incident or multiple incidents

 

[Lilac98]

@Chris-duck see the post I said to sideways about what my old counsellor thought and I thought about things as much before I joined this site. Talking about it doesn't make it worse people just know about it

 

[Sideways]

referred to me as a survivor cause I apparently survived what happened to me.

Sorry, what?

You survived...being touched on the backside while a total creep hugged you, and him brushing his crotch against you as you walked past...

Quite honestly? Those are uncomfortable experiences, but it's a stretch to call it 'traumatic'. Gross? Yes. Creepy? Definitely. Sexual abuse worthy of seeing a sexual assault counsellor?

Nope. Not even a close call. They have genuine victims of sexual violence that they need to dedicate they're limited resources to.

If that's causing you distress to the point where you're dysfunctional, then you need to see a specialist, but it ain't because you've suffered some horrendous type of trauma.

If it's not distressing you to the point where you're becoming dysfunctional, then you're wasting everybody's time.

I recommend you see a mental health specialist. There is definitely something going on for you. Good luck with figuring it out.

 

[Lilac98]

@Sideways i trust a sa counsellor and what they say. anyone who has been abused is a 'genuine victim' many things can be traumatic for different people. Abuse is abuse. There is no hierarchy. I would put you on ignore but you can't do that with mods.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm saying the following whilst being in a bit of a difficult place emotionally. Sensible me wouldn't respond right now, but here I am....

I wonder if 2 things are going on.
Firstly, I wonder if your autism and/or yours ways of communicating/using words mean that how you have described those two incidents are perhaps leaving things out or causing others to misunderstand. As how you describe them, I kind of agree with Sideways. But equally, I see your distress about them and your previous therapist, who I am assuming you have spoken more and shared more detail with about this has said it is sexual abuse. So I wonder if a communication thing is going on?
Secondly, whether or not you or others think it is sexual abuse or not, it is something you are holding and you experience as traumatic. And maybe moving away from labels and more to feelings might help with resolving them? However, you are autistic and that means you have your communication and neruoligical ways of processing. And moving away from concrete certainty and labels may be more challenging for you as a result?

 

[barefoot]

What were you hoping for with this post @Lilac98 ? You’ve posted in the core beliefs/cognitive distortions section and the title is ‘It wasn’t sexual abuse.’ But in your posts on this thread and your responses to others here, you seem very certain that you were sexually abused by your grandad in these two incidents?

I know you have written in other threads about feeling confused about what has/happened happened, what your dreams mean etc. But you seem pretty clear in this thread that you believe you were sexually abused in these two examples you’ve shared.

Are you looking for validation? ie are you posting with the hope/expectation that people here will reassure you that they were sexually abusive?

If that’s what you are seeking at the moment, I think it may be worth making a separate post about that where you say what you are looking for from us. As it is, you’ve posted in a way and in a section that kind of invites a discussion around whether people think you were sexually abused or not. And it looks like some of that is landing as invalidating to you…? Which, I imagine, doesn’t feel brilliant/helpful to you.

I know you’re fairly new to the forum and, from my own experience over the years, I think it can take a while to work out how best to use it/how and where best to post in it, especially when feeling emotionally dysrefulated and distressed. If you don’t want people to express a view on whether they think something was abuse/assault, or if you don’t want people to challenge your thinking and beliefs, perhaps don’t pose the question?

I thought there was also another incident with your grandad where he was holding you down on the bed and then your duvet was pulled away? I think you’ve said you had a flashback about this a few months ago? Curious about you not mentioning that here and only mentioning the hug with your grandad and your grandad in the doorway?

If you had a flashback about your grandad forcibly holding you down in your bed, that’s something that actually happened, right?

Or are you not sure about that? Because, calling it a flashback, means that you are re-experiencing something that happened, rather than simply having a thought/daydream/fantasy about something. It’s a flashback because it actually happened in the past.

Apologies if I am getting mixed up and confusing dream content you’ve shared with something that happened.

 

[Lilac98]

@barefoot i guess I was hoping for validation.
You're the only one who says the flashback is something that happened. It just happened one evening, I had been stressed for no obvious reason. I had felt really uncomfortable with down there, so I cut it. It was only a tiny bit but it started running and I panicked. It stopped bleeding pretty quickly so there was no reason to panic but I'd not cut that area before and I was told it bleeds heavily. After it stopped bleeding I was still really stressed and anxious so I tried to visualise myself in a safe space which was me in a nice cosy double bed floating about in space. I got a random image of grandad floating past which I just pushed away it came back so I just ignored it cause it was just my imagination but then a video started playing in my head then I could still see it in my room when I opened my eyes I heard things felt things and I didn't see the duvet being pulled away but it just disappeared when the video kept stopping and starting cause I was trying to stop it cause I didn't want to be watching it and my brain was making me.

 

[barefoot]

i guess I was hoping for validation.

Ok

You're the only one who says the flashback is something that happened.

To be really, really clear: I’m not making any comment or giving any kind of opinion about whether the situation in your flashback happened.

My understanding was that it HAD happened - because you have consistently referred to it as a flashback.

A flashback is a vivid re-experiencing of a traumatic event. In other words, it is something that HAS actually happened in the past, and then we flash back to it and experience it again as if it is happening again now. By its nature then, what happens in a flashback is real and has actually happened - it must have already been lived in order to be re-lived in the flashback.

So, it’s not me saying that what happened in your flashback is real. By describing it as a flashback, you have been putting it out there that it happened.

If you’re not sure whether that content actually happened, I don’t understand why you have labelled it and are repeatedly posting about this ‘flashback’ you’ve had?!

 

[Lilac98]

@barefoot not all flashbacks are things you have a clear memory of. I've heard flashbacks can be false just like memories but I believe it to have happened and it was like it was happening which is what a flashback is.

 

[Jade-]

@Sideways i trust a sa counsellor and what they say. anyone who has been abused is a 'genuine victim' many things can be traumatic for different people. Abuse is abuse. There is no hierarchy. I would put you on ignore but you can't do that with mods.

I know this post was meant for sideways but I wanted to comment.

Not all professionals are right or even ethical. I had a therapist before that during group therapy said she had been raped a few times because she was sending out subliminal messages that she wanted to be raped. That, along with many other things made me fire and report her.

I had said in another thread that those 2 incidents would not warrant a PTSD diagnosis. They wouldn't. They just simply wouldn't. But they were definitely traumatic for you. It's not your trauma and how it's affected you that's being challenged here, it's that it's not the level of trauma that would get the PTSD diagnosis.

I really feel bad for you. I'm sure you must be feeling invalidated. If you were posting this stuff on a different site you would be getting different responses. This is a PTSD site specifically, where people have endured severe trauma. Not many are going to have much empathy if we just go by those 2 incidents and your dreams and maybe one flashback. I'm sorry if that sounds hurtful, I'm just trying to be honest and save you more hurt and invalidation.

As a SA survivor myself I must admit that what you're calling SA and wondering if It's PTSD feels a bit invalidating to what I've endured. To me it would be like someone going to a cancer site and saying they had a cyst once and expecting the same kind of empathy, concern and support.

And that's why I feel bad for you. We are all trying to be so kind and say these things in the most gentle way to you as to not hurt you.

Nobody is saying you weren't traumatized by those 2 incidents. Nobody's saying they were nothing and no big deal. But what we are, and have been trying to say is they weren't anything that would warrant a PTSD diagnosis. There's many sites where people do talk about those types of traumas and I do believe you would get the validation you want, and need, there.

I'm sure you're feeling ganged up on. But I do believe you would do much better and feel much better if you maybe found some place where others have gone through the type of stuff you have. Cause here, this PTSD site, doesn't seem to be what you need and may be doing more harm than good. I suggest you check out some other sites. You don't need to leave this one or anything, just do a Google search, find one, join and start posting. I think you will be amazed at the difference in empathy and support you get.

 

[Lilac98]

@JadeB. I found a new forum today. I have already had so much more support and not people invalidating me.