Its A Very Accurate Thing

[reddevil1111]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0bZtf5MCzY

I sat for over 2 hours today just listening to this over and over. I even went over to Johnny Cashs version but the NIN version was where I am today. I may not have the needle issue but it IS my PTSD.
You can have it all ...my empire of dirt. What have I become? I will let you down in the end....

I keep cycling. I am trying to shove this shit back down its little hidy-hole and it keeps popping up.
The meds were making it worse. The therapist was so full of shit. And the doc was a complete ass.
I am positive I was a nice guy.

The town I live in has no other options. So f*ck it, f*ck them and f*ck me.
Your only sick if you lay down and say so. Drive on. Be a man. Time to grow up.My new montras.
The only time its obvious that I am full of shit and in deep kimchee is whenever I talk to people.
Thats easy. I just dont talk to them anymore.
Back to my song.
f*ck it-im even ranting in the wrong spot.

 

[James McDonald]

There is never a wrong spot for a rant....its a common thread...and it "goes away in the end"! Dont worry im there too man....its not only you. my therapist said to me today...so you think your the only one that feels this way....and i told her straight up...my real brain that knows the truth that im not but this brain is being taken over by my ptsd brain which gives me panic attacks,anti social behaviour, guilt, severe depression,anger, suicidal thoughts and conversion syndrome.

me and probably everyone else on here is trackin your thoughts and feelings! You never fight alone, we got ya covered!

 

[Ted Moen]

My favorite song in that mood was "Born to Lose", especially LeAnne's version. Every dream I ever dreamed has turned to naught.

That mood includes a pretty deep spiral of depression in addition to the PTSD symptoms. Depression is just anger turned inward, and intense anger is part of PTSD. At the bottom of the spiral all that is left is suicidal or homicidal behavior, depending on which way the anger turns at the moment.

You are a nice guy, a good person. You wouldn't be having these feelings if you didn't have a good value structure that has taken a severe beating in the process of surviving the hostile environment you had to survive. By definition PTSD occurs when a normal person is forced to survive an abnormal situation.

Thing is, after the hostile environment you're still a nice guy, a good person, but a nice guy with these intense feelings that keep interfering with behaving appropriately in your current situation (like the nice guy would behave if the feelings weren't interfering).

So, the challenge is to actually behave the way the nice guy inside would in our current situation even though the intense feelings are raging in the background.

A mild dose of an antidepressant can take away most of the spiral, allowing you to feel sad without it spiraling into depression. An a therapist can help you sort out the old stuff and your current situation. Therapists are generally good at helping you through your challenges, but unable to fix you, in the sense of returning you to the nice guy without the intense feelings you once were.

Ted

Still learning to live a little better with PTSD each day.

 

[James McDonald]

I like pink floyd the wall 1 and 2. its just like me mood swings every 5 mins!

 

[Sarg]

Quit reinforcing your own pain!!! I know the power of music. I was raised with it, played it in bands starting when I was about ten and my Dad shoved a guitar in my hands and told me to learn how to play. It's a drug, it's Jack Daniels when you've already hit the bottom. The wrong kind music can take you places you don't want to go.

I also believe music has curative powers and should be used in therapy. But like any drug, one must know how to use it. When I was a kid and would visit my relatives in the deep south, my cousins and I would sneak out of the white church and go over to the black church and just listen to the music. Damn, it sweet, uplifting, stomp your feet and dance in the aisle music! When black people left their church service, they were happy, smiling, ready to have a good day. When white people left their church they were frowning and sad face. Hell, no wonder, they were singing the wrong damn music!

Deep, dark "slithering" music has it's place. But not now and not in the place you're at. Stop feeding the beast! It makes him stronger and you weaker. When you're stronger, when the beast is in chains, you can listen to that kind of music for it's artistic content, not to drive you to self destruction.

"The time is nigh",
shouts the beggar
his belly in hopes to fill,
While the rich man
his head held high
and says, "I never will"
And time and wounds
Steal from the warrior
his pride but not his fear
and a continent and time
so very far away
A child picks up the spear

your's truely

Sarg

 

[Ned]

Hey Dan. If you are after a sound-track, you know this one -
Tom Petty , Running Man's Bible
Use it!

 

[reddevil1111]

I have and do. Love it Ned. I use music like medicine. Sometimes I feel dark or depressed other times real mellow and I listen a lot to petty. I connect a lot with his music. Same as some other big names from the same time.
But the times I am down and low...I listen to the dark stuff. Most of the time I lift back out with playing more and more upbeat stuff. like a lot of ups and downs. But sometimes I stay low down and mean. And depressed.
I am stuck in a real catch-22 with the bi-polar and the PTSD and anxeity. I cant work on one without the others getting worse. Added to that I am no longer in treatment. No more talking about it, no more meds. The works.
Crazy as that sounds, I have hit some highs and lows to be sure but I feel better and I think I might be able to advance by docusing on internal development. Alone time can be useful if you stay focused. I sure hope I can. Today was a much better day.

 

[Ned]

I cant work on one without the others getting worse. Added to that I am no longer in treatment. No more talking about it, no more meds. The works.
Crazy as that sounds, I have hit some highs and lows to be sure but I feel better and I think I might be able to advance by docusing on internal development. Alone time can be useful if you stay focused.

Tell me about it, you put one bastard's head down and someone's had a dig at you while you were off-guard.
I can understand it feels better. Because you've got to a stage where you're doing it for yourself.
Sometimes we cock up, but it's all learning. (and self-development).
Sometimes I look at people around me and wish I was as lacking in self-awareness as they are. But there's no going back. We've got to learn to live with ourselves, literally.
It's a hard road, and it's uphill. But I'd rather that than be beaten. Stay sharp mate.

 

[Wagon]

As said, there is no bad place here for a rant. Wish we all lived in some kind PTSD frindly village where when the need arose we could meet in the pub and share this stuff real time.

I've got a sea bag of anxiety on my bag as of late and it's like I'm walking in circles around another sea bag of depression just kind of waiting to pick that one up too.

I understand about the music. It seems we always are attracted to that music that matches our mood. Happy, Bob Marley takes you higher. The depressing stuff falls flat and vice versa. Don't know the answer there. But happy music I just can't bear right now. ALmost painfull. So the depressing stuff it is becaause it matches the mood.

Wagon

 

[Sarg]

Guitar blues, Stevie Ray. Was cruising through Amazon.com looking for a double album of I forgot who and came across A Janis Joplin Album. We had her cuts on the Cheap Thrills Album, but this was the first I've seen with just her. Have listened to it once and there's some cool stuff I've never heard before. Requires more study.

What I have to avoid: Sting, Fields of Gold Album," They dance alone". Damaging. Alison Krauss, "there's a ghost in this house". Will have to get up and leave the room with that one.

Sorry, I came on so strong, Red. If you have the strength to "pull out of it" while you're listening to the dark stuff, that's o.k. I can't do that, I keep going down into very dangerous territory.

Wagon, hang tough, Bud. We're listening.

Sarg

 

[william]

My song this past week or so has been Angry again by Megadeath.

 

[Wagon]

Hanging tough Aye. Feeling a bit more grounded today. Trying to make some plans. Plans are direction, direction is movement, movement is life.

Wagon